Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!
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Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!
| Tue, 07-13-2010 - 1:36pm |
Calling Newbies, Lurkers, Tweeners, Super Tweeners, Super-Duper Tweeners, Vets., Single, Married, Divorced, Widowed (and those temporarily contemplating becoming a widow because SO left the toilet seat up or no gas in the car)…ok hope I included everyone…I’m calling all Enders!
Since there is more to ending an A then just well ending it, I have a question: What boundaries have you put in place to prevent yourself from ever taking a detour down the dark, unpaved,

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E1 -
I'm a newbie and single - so looking forward, the obvious first LAW for me is to only date single men. Period.
I've learned a lot about myself over the 7.5 year A. Good and bad. Past mistakes, my personality traits, etc. One thing that I admit is that I was a huge flirt while I was married. I was also very selfish. I never crossed the "big" line before my XAP, but in hindsight, I crossed a lot of little ones. It was not uncommon for me to have lunch with a man when it wasn't completely necessary for work, etc. I didn't take the feelings of my ex H into consideration at all. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.
So when I'm lucky enough to find that great guy and get married, my focus will be on us, with 100% brutal honesty. I think that communication and resolving problems before they fester and grow is very important. One of the keys to a good relationship is fixing the cracks. When a crack gets ignored, indifference and resentment set in - which can lead to looking outside the marriage for the answer. At least that's what happened in my case.
I'm broken right now, but aware of what I've been through and where I'm going.
Bodhi
E1 -
I no longer hide behind naïveté. I no longer consider any amount of flirting "harmless". I no longer engage in overly personal conversations with men. I don't play mind games with myself to justify getting ego boosts from the wrong people.
Btdt, and I'll never do it again.
Dee
I guess I'm still a Super Duper Tweener, turning official vet later this month.
I really echo what Dee said.
E1,
Im so glad that you threw this out to us and I have been wondering this same thing myself. I worry that I will put myself in a precarious position again, that I will catch myself saying...One little drink (flirt) wont hurt, One small visit to a bar for some drinks (lunch with a M friend) or Ive been stressed and ignoring my needs and deserve a little vacation break(Friday romp at a hotel).
All I can say in answer to all of it is right now..I am ALWAYS on guard. I am always making sure that I do not put myself in a position where I could end up closer than needed with a man who isnt my H. Im making sure that I come here to EAS each and every day and read. I may not have any wisdom to share but coming here reminds me that I am still an addict and like any other addict, I have to be sure watch myself closely.
I am trying every single day to work on my M and it can be tough. Money woes and daily life make it harder but my H is a wonderful man and I dont ever want to do to him what he would NEVER in a million years do to me.
Lastly, the lows I left during the A, well those were beyond bad..they were heart wrenching and painful beyond anything I have ever expierenced in my life. And that right there is enough to scare me straight. I have spent the last 2 1/2 months pulling myself back together, regaining my self esteem and respect, I have no intentions of ever handing that over to anyone ever again.
Thanks E1, I cant wait to see what others write as well.
GMLB
Great thread E1-
I think the most valuable lesson I've learned throughout this ordeal is that I have to be OK with myself and not look to others for validation. Happiness is a choice- my choice. So, I've done a lot of work on myself- assessing what makes me tick and what I can do to bolster my inner self beyond the need for external validation. Through this process I've learned patience and honesty. I don't know if I've ever been truly honest with myself, but this experience has forced me into it and it is liberating. I am also extra guarded like many others said. There is no such thing as harmless flirting these days. And working on my marriage to become the best W that I can be has been exhilarating. I listen to my H- really listen to him- and have found an incredible support system through him by doing so. Best of luck to all of us enders on this journey.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
This is a good thread. My knee jerk response is, "this will never happen again", but then again, I never ever would have guessed it would happen the first time, and it did.
For me, the first thing i remind myself is that being in the A was actually very painful and unpleasant. while i enjoyed my time with my AP, our time apart was awful. i was racked with guilt and felt tormented and unable to draw myself out of it. those are feelings i NEVER want to experience again.
i also recognize that i was in a terribly vulnerable place when the A started, and i was desperate for companionship, so i surrendered to temptation. im going to recognize taht vulnerability as a trigger, and do my best to address it in as healthy a way as possible to not resort to looking for salvation in somebody else, which as jane said, is just not possible.
additionally, if and when i feel that low again, i'm going to reach out to friends and family. i never told anybody how depressed i was and how lonely i felt, and i just started this A and continued to suffer in silence. now i'm in a position where i can't get any empathy for my depression given that my actions were so destructive (even though i never had a D-Day, i was a grade A lousy wife). so, i screwed myself, and next time i'm feeling that miserable, i'm going to get help.
i think i can learn from a lot of my mistakes here. i am already feeling so much stronger and coming to EAS has been very helpful. i think its goodto have a plan so we dont go down this road again!
Jane,
I loved and really connected with what you wrote. My need for validation is definately what drove me to seek it from XMM. I am trying every day to work on myself and get to the bottom of why I did what I did, why I lowered my self esteem and so readily handed over so much to a man who was just as messed up as I was.
I have come a long way in these 70+ days but I dont think I will ever feel like Im healed and I dont know that I ever want to feel that way. Im ok with being a "work in progress". I guess its like being a professional student....if you keep going to classes and learning then you never have to face settleing down into a career. Im OK in this "holding pattern" right now and I hope to learn much more about myself while Im waiting to land.
GMLB
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