OM Changed Tactics - Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
OM Changed Tactics - Need Advice
5
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 4:49pm
Well, after he realized that I had no intention of returning his many e-mails/text messages/voice mail messages, OM has changed his tactics in an effort to "get to" me.

I teach at a summer program in the school district where I work. Several of the other teachers at the summer program are mutual friends of both OM and I. Well, I found out yesterday that one of the other teachers (who knew that OM and I were close friends) had spoken with OM this week and that OM was asking about me and complained that I was "avoiding" him. This mutual friend then asked me if it was true that I was "avoiding" OM. I was so caught off guard, I am sure I looked foolish when I finally responded that no, I wasn't avoiding him, I had just been busy lately.

Then, I found out that OM invited himself along to an outing next week with all of the summer program teachers. From the beginning of the summer program, all of the teachers had said that on the last day we were going out for drinks to celebrate. The summer program ends next Friday, July 16th, so we have been discussing where to go afterwards. Apparently, another mutual friend was telling OM that we were going out and OM invited himself along! Now OM knows that I will be there, and the mutual friend said that OM asked if I was going.

I am not sure what to do now. Should I go out for drinks with the other teachers, like I had planned to do all along, or not go now that OM will be there. I am *SO* mad. I feel like he is invading my space now, asking people about me, inviting himself along, complaining that I am "avoiding" him (which I am lol).

Any advice on whether I should go or not? I would hate *not* to go, since we have all been looking forward to and talking about doing this for 5 weeks now. But, I don't want to get caught in a potentially awkward situation with OM. I worry that he will confront me about my "avoiding" him.

The only other alternative I could think of would be to go, have a drink, then leave shortly thereafter saying that I have to be somewhere. That way, I could make an appearance but not have to hang out with OM all afternoon. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:05pm
HI IC21

I seems you have three things you could do, go and put up with OM, perhaps take the oportunity to tell him to pi** off, Second don't tell anybody your not going and do not show up thus OM will be there and maybe get the point that you don't want anything to do with him, third go but ONLY if your husband can go with you, if he could that would be the bet option I think, if not I would suggest not going unless your REALLY REALLY sure you are prepared to tell XOM were to get off and mean it.

I have to tell you the xom is really disrespecting you by doing this, he must be a real power freak.

Good luck.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:11pm
Hmmm.... That's a toughie. On the one hand, the poor guy is just desperate for some sort of acknowledgement from you. And I can understand that, having just been in those shoes, sort of. On the other hand, how annoying that he is basically trying to *force* that acknowledgement. Well -- maybe you have to give him a little bit of what he wants in order to appease him -- as in, send him a brief message telling him you know what he's up to and asking him to please respect your wishes for no contact -- including asking him to not crash your party. Maybe just that little bit of contact from you will satisfy him for awhile?

Or, maybe that is a horrible idea. Maybe in order to get your point across, you need to skip the whole scene. But that is not fair to you, and may only make him even MORE desperate for some attention from you. So maybe your idea of going and excusing yourself quickly is the best idea, if you really think you can pull it off.

Gee, see why they call me "Maybe" Katie? ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:19pm
Thanks Free and Katie for your responses. Hmmm...both of you girls bring up good points to consider...

Free - yes, it struck me as sort of a power issue too, which is weird, because when the A was going on, he wasn't like that at all. Odd how you see a different side of someone when they are not getting their way...lol And playing power trip games with me is definitely *NOT* the way to my heart. I do not want to use the outing as a forum to tell OM to f* off, however, there may not be any other way to get the point across. If I do go, and it is a BIG if...I probably won't stay long enough to really talk to him, and I'll make sure I am not sitting near him so he can't try to corner me into a conversation. But you are right, it is disrespectful behavior, and to be honest, it kind of freaks me out a little bit...

Katie - You are right about the wanting acknowledgement part. I am positive he is confused as to why I suddenly broke contact with no explanation. I fear any kind of contact at this point will give him the wrong idea, which is why I have been reluctant even to tell him to back off. And you are right, it's not fair to me not to go to an event that *I* helped plan because of his childish antics. I am leaning more towards going for a short while, hanging out for one drink, then leaving. I don't see skipping the whole thing because of OM...but I will see what happens over the next week before I make my final decision. Maybe he'll change his mind, who knows?

Thanks again, girls, for the support!

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 9:55am

I suggest you go, have fun with your friends and give OM the cold shoulder.


You have nothing to gain by "caving in" to xOM's stalking tactics. Unless of course you

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 4:32pm
Thanks NRE :) I *definitely* do NOT want to move backwards. I feel that I have come too far to even take a baby step forward. OM e-mailed me again today, just a forwarded joke, but I deleted it immediately, then put his address on my "block" list. This was a huge step for me, since a lot of our contact was done via e-mail. I am not sure if hotmail will notify him if an e-mail is blocked, but either way, I won't have to read his e-mails anymore. He can still send me e-mails at my work address, I don't have any control over that, unfortunately.

But you are right, I gain nothing from giving in and contacting him. Likewise, I gain nothing by staying home while my friends are out having a good time without me. I will definitely go, but steer clear of OM, give him the cold shoulder if he does approach me, and leave early so he can't try to corner me in the parking lot (he did this once when I left a group happy hour).

And yes, there definitely is something "stalker-ish" about the behavior. I guess it's just hard to accept from someone you thought you cared about...

Thanks again for the support, NRE - I have gained strength from your words throughout this process.

:)

Circe