OM won't accept that it's over !!
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| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:52pm |
Abusive marriage for 8 yrs, separated 2 yrs. Had EMA right after separating from H. This was definitely a rebound/escape situation. It lasted for 5 months and then I ended it (or tried to). It was horrible at the end, felt uncomfortable with the whole scene, felt dirty, couldn't sleep, OM was smothering me, I was miserable. OM is/has been a close friend for many years. When I first met OM, I thought it was just a really good friendship, similar interests, hobbies, etc. Things worked great, given the abusive marriage I was in; I had a "buddy" to hang out with and do fun things that H would NEVER do. Now I think it was all just a set-up and that this whole thing has been constructed from the very beginning and I was just too stupid to see it. The whole "Prince Charming" bit. We discussed the EMA before it happened, and I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship. He said he understood. He even said things like "we'll try it out and see" or "if things don't work out...", but as soon as I tried to back away (even a little) he got jealous, angry, and started showing real signs of abuse.
That's when it really hit me that I needed to end the relationship right on the spot. That was seven months ago, and I've been "ending the relationship" over and over again ever since. It's like he thinks we never broke up! He tells me how much he cares about me and wants to be my "Mister Right", and I tell him that I don't want to date ANYBODY and I need to be ALONE. He always asks me or hints around if I'm seeing somebody else, and I tell him I don't have any plans to date ANYBODY and I need to be ALONE. I think we've had that same conversation like 20 times. I turn my phone off so he can't call me, but then he just shows up knocking on my door. Every time I see him I hear "what are you doing later?" or "Do you mind if I stop by?" "Can I take you to dinner?" "What are you doing Friday nite?" "Saturday nite?" "How about next week?" I tell him "NO" and he asks why, or asks if I'm mad at him, or if something's bothering me. The more I tell him NO, the more he keeps asking. He leaves me little notes like "I miss waking up to you" and "I miss your laughter" etc etc. It's sickening!!
I don't know if he's a friend or not anymore. It's really hard for me to just tell somebody to go away and never talk to me again, especially given the years of history between me & him, and the fact that he probably wouldn't do it anyway. It's like he really thinks we're going to be together again, or that we never broke up to begin with. I told him this situation makes me want to move to another state and change my name, and it didn't even phase him. Oh sure, he says "I don't want you to feel that way.." but then the next day he's right back to the same ol', same ol'. He told me if I decide to date someone else, just let him know and he will go. I don't want to lie about a new boyfriend just to get rid of OM.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get the message across to him? I'm pretty much blue-in-the-face, and it's getting me nowhere. Sorry so long, thanks for listening.

Get the Restraining Order, change or block his phone numbers, change your IM username, change your email address & block his addy.
In the past I had my exOM standing on my doorstep, hammering on the door for long enough that he asked to use my bathroom and even promised to go right back outside again afterwards! I called the police since he wasn't giving up. ExOM left after having a nice discussion with them and has not attempted to pull that particular stunt again because I made it plain that this was unacceptable.
You are as free as you wish to be Free. He intrudes in your life only as much as you permit him.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Please be careful. This sounds very dangerous. He is NOT your friend. If he had your best interest at heart he would respect your wishes, plain and simple. As you know, you need to get away from this man. He is bordering on stalking you, if he isn't already. Tell him very plainly, maybe on the phone so you won't have to see him in person but he can't ignore you like he could in an email, that you are not in a relationship with him and he needs to leave you alone for good. If he doesn't, you need to get a restraining order. This sounds very serious, but I think your situation warrants it. If he has abusive tendencies, you can't mess around.
Please keep us posted, and I urge you to see this situation as serious as it is. Abuse is not to be taken lightly, and I want you to be safe.
Lily
Does this man know that your previous relationship was abusive in nature? If so, I think it may be possible that he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. If he knows what you've been through and he is really a true friend, he wont want to pressure or worry you. After all you've been through that in the past.
If he cant take the hint, you should spell it out to him.
If he calls you 25 times and you get sick of it and answer on the 26th time what has he learned? That if he persists and pushes enough that you will eventually give in.
Surely if this is causing you stress and worry it must be a form of abuse in itself?
Please dont jump from one damaging relationship into another.
Hope it turns out ok for you,
m x.
I've read The Gift of Fear, and Anxiety's right...FreeFromHim, you really need to read it and learn to trust your instincts. The mind picks up hints and signals that we don't always recognize or listen to, so trust your gut.
Lily