OM won't accept that it's over !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
OM won't accept that it's over !!
6
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi all - I'm new to this board, so here's a little history:

Abusive marriage for 8 yrs, separated 2 yrs. Had EMA right after separating from H. This was definitely a rebound/escape situation. It lasted for 5 months and then I ended it (or tried to). It was horrible at the end, felt uncomfortable with the whole scene, felt dirty, couldn't sleep, OM was smothering me, I was miserable. OM is/has been a close friend for many years. When I first met OM, I thought it was just a really good friendship, similar interests, hobbies, etc. Things worked great, given the abusive marriage I was in; I had a "buddy" to hang out with and do fun things that H would NEVER do. Now I think it was all just a set-up and that this whole thing has been constructed from the very beginning and I was just too stupid to see it. The whole "Prince Charming" bit. We discussed the EMA before it happened, and I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship. He said he understood. He even said things like "we'll try it out and see" or "if things don't work out...", but as soon as I tried to back away (even a little) he got jealous, angry, and started showing real signs of abuse.

That's when it really hit me that I needed to end the relationship right on the spot. That was seven months ago, and I've been "ending the relationship" over and over again ever since. It's like he thinks we never broke up! He tells me how much he cares about me and wants to be my "Mister Right", and I tell him that I don't want to date ANYBODY and I need to be ALONE. He always asks me or hints around if I'm seeing somebody else, and I tell him I don't have any plans to date ANYBODY and I need to be ALONE. I think we've had that same conversation like 20 times. I turn my phone off so he can't call me, but then he just shows up knocking on my door. Every time I see him I hear "what are you doing later?" or "Do you mind if I stop by?" "Can I take you to dinner?" "What are you doing Friday nite?" "Saturday nite?" "How about next week?" I tell him "NO" and he asks why, or asks if I'm mad at him, or if something's bothering me. The more I tell him NO, the more he keeps asking. He leaves me little notes like "I miss waking up to you" and "I miss your laughter" etc etc. It's sickening!!

I don't know if he's a friend or not anymore. It's really hard for me to just tell somebody to go away and never talk to me again, especially given the years of history between me & him, and the fact that he probably wouldn't do it anyway. It's like he really thinks we're going to be together again, or that we never broke up to begin with. I told him this situation makes me want to move to another state and change my name, and it didn't even phase him. Oh sure, he says "I don't want you to feel that way.." but then the next day he's right back to the same ol', same ol'. He told me if I decide to date someone else, just let him know and he will go. I don't want to lie about a new boyfriend just to get rid of OM.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get the message across to him? I'm pretty much blue-in-the-face, and it's getting me nowhere. Sorry so long, thanks for listening.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:33pm
A Restraining Order often works wonderings in driving home the point.

Get the Restraining Order, change or block his phone numbers, change your IM username, change your email address & block his addy.

In the past I had my exOM standing on my doorstep, hammering on the door for long enough that he asked to use my bathroom and even promised to go right back outside again afterwards! I called the police since he wasn't giving up. ExOM left after having a nice discussion with them and has not attempted to pull that particular stunt again because I made it plain that this was unacceptable.

You are as free as you wish to be Free. He intrudes in your life only as much as you permit him.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:35pm
Hugs, FreeFromHim...

Please be careful. This sounds very dangerous. He is NOT your friend. If he had your best interest at heart he would respect your wishes, plain and simple. As you know, you need to get away from this man. He is bordering on stalking you, if he isn't already. Tell him very plainly, maybe on the phone so you won't have to see him in person but he can't ignore you like he could in an email, that you are not in a relationship with him and he needs to leave you alone for good. If he doesn't, you need to get a restraining order. This sounds very serious, but I think your situation warrants it. If he has abusive tendencies, you can't mess around.

Please keep us posted, and I urge you to see this situation as serious as it is. Abuse is not to be taken lightly, and I want you to be safe.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:12pm
The word STALKER springs to mind.

Does this man know that your previous relationship was abusive in nature? If so, I think it may be possible that he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. If he knows what you've been through and he is really a true friend, he wont want to pressure or worry you. After all you've been through that in the past.

If he cant take the hint, you should spell it out to him.

If he calls you 25 times and you get sick of it and answer on the 26th time what has he learned? That if he persists and pushes enough that you will eventually give in.

Surely if this is causing you stress and worry it must be a form of abuse in itself?

Please dont jump from one damaging relationship into another.

Hope it turns out ok for you,

m x.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:48pm
Do you feel like he is stalking you? I ask that because are there times when you have chit chats with him, send mixed messages, ever call him up out of your own needs, etc.? If the answer is yes and you truly want him out of your life then you must cease sending any messages that allow him to carry on a fantasy that you may once get back together. If you have stayed consistent with your "no" message but keep talking to him to tell him no then that is a problem also. Due to reasons too long to discuss I acquired a big interest in stalking, read a lot, did research papers, and was fortunate enough to work along side of Gavin DeBecker's organization on a threat assessment of a stalker. If you feel this is a stalking situation, please, please, please do yourself the biggest favor by reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. He is arguably the nation's leading stalking expert and wrote a tremendously helpful book. Read it before you do anything. To summarize a few key points, you need to say no once and you never, ever say it again. In other words, don't worry about being polite and trying to make him "understand". If he is an obsessive personality, he will never understand. There are no words you could ever say that will make the light bulb go on for him. It is commonly suggested by stalking experts to put a second phone line in your home and put an answering machine on the line he uses. Give the second number to everyone else. If you have mutual friends who you feel will tell him about the second line, keep them on the same line as his. Turn the ringer off and the answering machine down where you can't hear it but record all of his messages. Have a trusted friend record the messages on audio tapes and make duplicate copies. Don't do this yourself because being exposed to his pleas is often toxic. Any gift, letter, or e-mail KEEP. You do not have to read them and can give them to a friend but do not delete or throw away anything because all of this shows a pattern of stalking that you may want to use later. Please do not disregard these items, as they often become the most essential parts of a case. Please read The Gift of Fear before you file a restraining order. Although law enforcement will strongly encourage you to file a restraining order, nearly the universal stance from stalking experts are that restraining orders tend to be useless due to the lack of enforcement by the police and it is often perceived as just another form of communication (and often an opportunity to see you againi court) by the stalker. Restraining orders have an alarming failure rate and often escalate obsessive personalities. You only want to call the police to interact with the stalker when the stalker has committed a crime you can prove, otherwise if the stalker has contact with law enforcement and they do nothing, it often empowers them. It is a terribly frustrating experience but the best thing you can do with obsessive personalities is to have absolutely no contact. Even if they leave a message stating they have slit their wrists (this is why you have the message maching on silent) you never, ever respond. One poster state that if you ignore 25 calls but pick up on the 26th call that they learn that they need to call 26 times, and that is dead-on correct. You never, ever respond to them, even if they get their friends to help them. If you are trying to be nice in an effort to make him understand, you must understand that you are not dealing with a personality like your own. They never get it. If you are still connected to him and send him mixed messages then you need to assess what you really want and stick with it. Just keep in mind, kindness never makes an obsessive personality go away. Please keep writing here. This is important stuff.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 7:57am

I've read The Gift of Fear, and Anxiety's right...FreeFromHim, you really need to read it and learn to trust your instincts. The mind picks up hints and signals that we don't always recognize or listen to, so trust your gut.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 7:57am
Thank you for all your advice - I'm hearing a lot of the same responses that I heard on the DV board. They all said "restraining order". I don't know if OM is obsessive, but he is definitely POSSESSIVE. I have discussed that with him a few times. I know if I get a restraining order on him, it will just escalate the matter, plus the fact that we have so many mutual friends, I would be seeing him all over town anyway. I turned my phone off when I left work yesterday, and he showed up at my door shortly after I got home. Like I said, we have been very close friends for many years, and although I have no intentions of ever dating him again, I still want to be his friend. I guess that's like having your cake and eating it too, huh? I guess it has to be one or the other, I just wish there was a way to go back to just being friends without all the pressure to "go out" all the time.