OMG. This is getting so hard...
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OMG. This is getting so hard...
| Wed, 02-23-2011 - 10:21am |
The hurt, the pain, the shame, the guilt, the anger, the repulsion, the fear…it all just keeps getting worse!!!!!

((HUGS)) - it is hard. BUT - You CAN do HARD things.
I felt the same way - i was not this kind of girl, why on earth at almost 40 was I acting out NOW? And the answer is not simple, but - it's because there is something else you NEED - It's different for every one of us.
As for the STD thing - i completely get that, and yes you should go do it. Getting it will give you power in that you can rest knowing you are clear, or deal with whatever if you are not. Better to be informed, than ignorant.
Your H gets HUGE kudos for handling all this so well - I'm sure he has moments too, but what a wonderful thing that he is still present, still engaged, still willing to work to get through this TOGETHER.
As for realizing the pain is about YOU - welcome to a new level of hell. Now I can say you are getting to the root of issues - but know this. Yes you screwed up, Yes, it was big, and Yes, you made some crappy choices, BUT - you are also now fixing. You have made a u-turn and are working on making amends to others AND to yourself. And Sunrise, God forgives and loves you too - believe him. YOU are worth all this - Be true - Live true. Have an amazing time at MC - it's not all roses, but it will be worth it.
((((((((SUNRISE)))))))))))))))
THANK GOD, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND IS BEING TOTALLY SUPPORTIVE of YOU while you MELT DOWN.
Lolly said it, Sunrise, WELCOME to a NEW LEVEL OF HELL.
I, Like you...Sunrise am a woman just over 40 (45 next month to be exact) but I lived MY ENTIRE adult life in DELUSION about myself as well...and this PAST YEAR of CRUMBLING INTO NOTHING. ....Losing EVERYTHING (except my children) was a SMACK IN THE FACE from GOD HIMSELF.
THANK YOU GOD!
I wouldnt have gotten the message any other way.