OMG....its so hard!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 05-26-2010 - 5:21am |
June 9th will be 6 months of NC for me. Then why is it that its getting harder and harder with time? Shouldn't it be the opposite and be easier? Argh...!
What I have not been telling you all is that for the past few months my thoughts have been consumed with xAP. I miss him, then I hate myself for missing such a loser, then I feel like I lost a piece of me. That piece of me that believed in love. I just don't feel it no more. I tried dating. I tried kissing other guys. I tried forgetting xAP. But I can't. I feel like I will never get that spark again. (and no, I'm not talking about the thrill of being in an affair).
I find myself crying each night to sleep. I feel empty inside. You know what else is not helping?
...I feel like xAP and I have this ESP between us. Tonight, I'm laying in bed crying. Thinking how much I miss him and how he was such a jerk to me. It was his birthday. And I just laid in bed holding the phone in my hands. I normally browse the internet on my phone...and all the sudden it started to ring! It was a blocked call.. I froze. I let it keep ringing. Finally it ended. I knew it was xAP. I starred blankly at the phone realizing that I was just thinking of him, and crying...how all the sudden he calls. Then 3 minutes go by...and again it rings blocked! Argh... he called me last week thursday blocked too. I did not answer.
It's been 6 months and I come to expect a blocked phone call once a month towards the end of the month. But this time, its never rang twice...and for so long.
I'm proud I didn't answer...but feel so WEIRD how I was thinking of him and then he called too. ARGH
Someone posted saying they wish their xAP called them...well don't wish they do. This just shaken me up and I'm more miserable. =(
Goodnight ya'll.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No New Hurts
Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.
Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

Pages
Have you really ever asked yourself why you allowed yourself (being single) to get involved with a MM in the first place? I really am not trying to be funny but you have to wonder why with all of the S guys in this world you settled for someone else' H. My T told me that many years ago when I was pining over another woman's H and it really made me think. Why did I even think it was OK to go there in the first place? My T also asked me why I didn't think I deserved a man of my own. For me, it boiled down to a lot of issues that I uncovered in T. My T also told me to imagine my XMM laying in bed spooning his W. That was an eye-opener for me. She also said imagine his W thinking that the man she M is being true to his vows yet I am hiding in the shadows waiting on the few minutes he squeezes out of his real life for me. It was a pitiful vision for me and it made me snap out of it and realize that I deserved better than that. I now have better. I have a good man who loves only me because I stopped settling for crumbs from someone else's man.
I think you have a competitive nature Lost, and I think its about winning with you. I think you really want to win this less than worthy JAM. Answer the phone when he calls and tell him that you want out of his selfish game/threesome. Empower yourself and find that deep seeded self worth which tells you it is not OK to be some man's dirty little secret. Ask yourself what was so special about a man who hid you from the world? T saved my life and I highly recommend it.
I don't know if you are in T but I strongly suggest that if you are still struggling with this after 6 months it is more about co-dependency issues than JAM.
Lost-
I am so sorry you are hurting. Are you in counseling? It sounds like you are stuck and need a little push to help you get passed this and move on. We can only do so much on our own. It should be getting easier with time... that is the promise that time has given us and we have to believe it is true. Do you believe that it is true? Are you holding out hope that he will choose you? If so, you need to let that go. You have to face that monster. I am not sure how else to help you, except to say that we are here for you.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I told u to change that number months ago. I can only conclude that u do this to hold on in some hurtful way. If u know he is calling n u know it is him calling blocked all these months, why have u not changed it? I think you like to know he is calling. You are still keeping a connection. Why else would u not change ur number by now? It's like u feel like u got one over on W cuz he is still calling.
And what are u missing? Do I need to copy n paste old posts? I clearly remember what a real piece of work this guy was. He was very cruel to you. Blasted you on the Internet. Your posts were filled with drama...
Cut the cord!! All of em!
U r holding on. No contact means not allowing them to contact you as well. I had fishing attempts...he called from random numbers n he emailed from new addresses. He just was relentless n I had to change eveyytijg n it was well worth it.
N I wonder if we should be dating. I wonder...perhaps we need to working on ourselves a while longer. Loving ourselves...being alone n being ok being alone.
N sparks...girl, take this from an older women. I don't know that I want sparks anymore. I want friendship n trust. Keep in mind, too many sparks can cause a fire...or sparks die quickly. Take ur time. Enjoy fan n friends.
Change ur number n I bet u will feel 6 months out n not miss him at all..
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
oh, Baby Girl -- it's not ESP or ESPN or _anything_ all deep and cosmically connected! For crying out loud... you "cry yourself to sleep" every night? And think of him "all the time".... please tell me when exactly would he call you that would not be "OMG, he called me EXACTLY when I was thinking about him". And, to boot, the night in question happened to be his birthday, AND at the end of the month when you usually expect a fishing attempt? Yah, no. Not exactly the stars aligning here, is it??
You have not changed that number for a reason; perhaps because you have been holding your breath between fishing attempts that somehow 'validate' your importance (falsely)??
Your thinking and perspective is all f'd up. You're not going to defog until you figure out why you are allowing yourself to be made miserable. And as far as mourning the 'spark' is concerned... yeah, I get sooooo blue, too, wondering if I'll ever have 'it' again in my life. However, I'm married and don't exactly have a lot of choice whom I'm sparking up, ykwim? You, however, have a whole ocean of fish to make out with.... you're just not going to find one you like until you let X go fully. End of story. Dating, as I remember, sucks sometimes. You have to weed through a lot of losers to find a decent guy. Here's the kicker... Mr. Decent Guy is not going to present himself, either because you can't 'see' him or because he's too smart to get mixed up with a woman whose all fogged out. And now I will feel all sorry for myself and bitter that you, a lovely single woman with a whole ocean of hot fish, is not taking advantage of your blessings -- while I, poor, poor miserable married me (ha) -- has to cope with a fish that got filleted a loooong time ago and is starting to smell!
Consider your a$$ kicked! Now, put on some lip gloss, change that GD cell phone number and go to the nearest Starbucks and throw some bait around.
Much love!
Dee
Dee,
we almost write the same post. I started my new job today n I am sitting thru boring sexual harassment video-talk about cheesy stuff...a scenario is a mm hitting on a w. Ha! But u sure made me laugh with this post! Love it. I needed a laugh too. Lost heed her words. They ate fun n tough n all love!!
Ha ha!! Hee hee!!
Love the fish stuff...love the post...lol. I got a sea I need to get to when I am ready, after the background check n weeding out the guy scared of kids.
Ugh...my outlook is still better than dealing with MM.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I have to say, Dee, I don't know you, but I absolutely LOVE you! LOL. You have the best things to say, and you are always dead on. Plus you make me laugh. You rock, Girl!
Silly...5 years post affair.
Thanks for the responses! I didn't expect so many!
To address some things you all mentioned...
The reason I did not change my phone number is because back in october I met this fireman (while I was still with xAP) and this fireman and I hit it off really well. We dated for a month and during this time I thought I was over xAP. Well, Mr. Fireman dumped me a month after dating. Every once in awhile Mr. Fireman would send me a text. In Feb Mr. Fireman asked me to do lunch. I met him and he told me he missed me and wanted to work things out, etc... but he was going away to Europe. Well, I was playing hard to get with him and told him I'm too busy with school etc... and he stopped texting/calling me. But, knowing Mr. Fireman, I know he's going to text me again... so I don't want to change my phone number in case Mr. Fireman calls me. And I do not want to text Mr. Fireman my new number because I don't want to seem desperate by initiating contact...
...no more all this "she's not changing her number because of xAP" be put to rest!? lol Seriously, I changed my number once before when i broke up with xAP (when I found out his wife was pregnant) so I have no issue with changing my number... it might even be best. But it is also a pain to do that. So unless I have absolutely NO choice, then I will do that. =)
Why_ask_why:
You askd, "Have you really ever asked yourself why you allowed yourself (being single) to get involved with a MM in the first place?" I don't know whether you know my story or not...but xAP never told me he was married. I dated him for 6 months thinking he's single, before I found out he was married.... THEN he continued to lie and lie again. LOL
No one on this board truly knows the extent of lies this man has told me over the course of 2 years.... I mean, he would lie about what color of underwear he wears! Also, these people (xap and wife) lie about their birthdays! He lied about his age. He lied about where he lived, what kind of car he drove, what kind of dog he had, etc....
If I would rewind time, NO I would not get involved with a married man. But once I found out he was married, I was too deep involved and it was hard leaving him.
The competitive nature is so wrong. really it is because I met his wife. I feel sorry for her. I don't want to cause her more pain then I have already. This woman has been through hell and back with xAP. I do not want him. There is no competition because she can have him.
And why_ask_why ( i like your sn!) you said imagine him with his wife, etc... let me tell you what I been through... :p
....when I met xAP's wife, and I sat on the couch with her.... she told me in descriptive words that they had 3somes, that they video recorded each other, that she likes watching him f*ck other women. Now, imagine having to talk to your xAP's wife and listen to all of that!?
Then xAP called his wife and she put him on speaker phone. Imagine having to listen to your xAP call you a WHORE, a SLUT a piece of ass that wasn't that good... someone he toyed with for his enjoyment and that you didnt' mean anything to him. IMAGINE hearing your xAP say all those and more hurtful things...
Then on his myspace page (this was after dday) he posted as his status: "YOU will never compare to her." and "Why trade in steak for fish".....
Now I know most of you have not gone through this extent of harassment from your xAP. You can only imagine...so yeah, I'm familiar with pain. There is NO WAY in hell would I answer or talk to xAP. Matter of factly, I do not want him back at all!!
But that doesn't mean that I am inhuman without feelings. I'm not going to lie to the newbies here. I'm not going to lie no more and tell myself that I don't care....because I am human with feelings and at the end of the day, I can't help but feel empty. Feel hurt. I can't help but wonder all those times we shared together, all that fun we had... was it really what he said to his wife? That it meant nothing, that I was just a whore...
I can't believe I wasted so much time with someone that was an illusion. Nothing was real with him.
DEE...you're right dating does suck! LOL But I wonder sometimes if its better to just settle for some guy who doesn't give me a spark, but is reliable, caring, honest, ...mundane...but someone I know will make a good father and husband....and not worry about the spark or being in love. Maybe settling is better than love.
It also does not help when my two best friends are happily in love with their boyfriends. I am tine single girl out. The girl that wasted her time with a MM. A MM that did not care and used her. I have to be around two girls that are always gigglying and so happy in love. I have to hear them on their phones doing kissy sounds to their boyfriends...or hear about what they did together. I don't want to be a bad friend and not be happy for them, so I listen. I smile. I nod. But inside I'm just crying.
Now after being so negative.... I'll share one positive! leaving xAP has brought my focus on school. I finished a class in spring and now I'm going to summer school...after this I can apply to nursing school! woot! =) xAP has taught me a lot...to not be so gullable and dependant on a man...and I also know that school comes first. My education is important. No more wasting 2 years on some guy!
Edited 5/26/2010 3:53 pm ET by llostagain
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Oh, mon dieu! The Fireman. quoi???? c'est vrai?
I'm not touching this one with a ten foot pole... not even one I could slide down when the alarm goes off.
ILA,
your xap is a despicable, low-down PIG. just exactly what are you missing?!?!? get you to therapy, girl. if you are this far out and still struggling so, maybe you need a little extra help.
lillie
Pages