OMG....its so hard!
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| Wed, 05-26-2010 - 5:21am |
June 9th will be 6 months of NC for me. Then why is it that its getting harder and harder with time? Shouldn't it be the opposite and be easier? Argh...!
What I have not been telling you all is that for the past few months my thoughts have been consumed with xAP. I miss him, then I hate myself for missing such a loser, then I feel like I lost a piece of me. That piece of me that believed in love. I just don't feel it no more. I tried dating. I tried kissing other guys. I tried forgetting xAP. But I can't. I feel like I will never get that spark again. (and no, I'm not talking about the thrill of being in an affair).
I find myself crying each night to sleep. I feel empty inside. You know what else is not helping?
...I feel like xAP and I have this ESP between us. Tonight, I'm laying in bed crying. Thinking how much I miss him and how he was such a jerk to me. It was his birthday. And I just laid in bed holding the phone in my hands. I normally browse the internet on my phone...and all the sudden it started to ring! It was a blocked call.. I froze. I let it keep ringing. Finally it ended. I knew it was xAP. I starred blankly at the phone realizing that I was just thinking of him, and crying...how all the sudden he calls. Then 3 minutes go by...and again it rings blocked! Argh... he called me last week thursday blocked too. I did not answer.
It's been 6 months and I come to expect a blocked phone call once a month towards the end of the month. But this time, its never rang twice...and for so long.
I'm proud I didn't answer...but feel so WEIRD how I was thinking of him and then he called too. ARGH
Someone posted saying they wish their xAP called them...well don't wish they do. This just shaken me up and I'm more miserable. =(
Goodnight ya'll.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No New Hurts
Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.
Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

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Dee,
Haha...girl, the fireman was too die for! Gorgeous from head to toe...he looked like those firemen on calanders.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Lost....Lost...Lost
Sweetie, your lost. You are being dishonest with yourself. You own post makes no sense. You do not make sense chica...please do not get defensive, which you have been known to get. Take a second and listen. The fireman excuse is just poor. You know it, and so do the rest of the ladies on the board. N it sounds like he is lost too. So who would care if he can not reach you...and with all todays technology. Twitter, Myspace, Facebook and the rest of the web, hell anyone can find anyone if they really want to.
Emails work too.
And you are worried about looking desperate? When did this begin? Considering out history's with MM, looking desperate is just plain common....not buying it. U can make yourself believe it if ya want to, but your fireman excuse is just poor.
You just listed all the horrible things this man did to you...months ago...I had just as horrible things done to me...so I feel ya, yet you post this thing about you not progressing despite the amount of time and you are not over him. U say its so hard because you know he is calling and calling. And it has you hurting.
And then we tell you change the number and you insist on not doing so...how can we help ya then? really Lost....come on already.
Keep your number and expect not to move on...and its not about being human. I am very human, very sensitive. But I do what is necessary to protect myself from MM. You are not. I have days where I hurt bad...but guess what, he is not hurting me...I am getting thru. He can not touch me.
I hope you admit to yourself what you refuse to admit to us....I am not saying you want the man, but you are refusing to let go...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Thanks Luv..
"Sweetie, your lost. You are being dishonest with yourself. You own post makes no sense. You do not make sense chica...please do not get defensive, which you have been known to get."
I think the reason I get defensive is because what you just wrote is what xAP used to always say to me.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Your Xap is a POS. He probably did use you as a "piece of a$$". People like this will look for holes (weaknesses) in a person to get in. Normal people look at the holes and feel compassion.
Good job for not answering the phone. Your therapist may have been right on some things, but was wrong when they said you did not need any more therapy. I believe therapy is an ongoing process and that no matter how more stable and clear you are getting there is always room for more therapy. I continue to take courses and therapy to continue to make more and more changes... it's never a bad thing :)
Your name "Ilostagain"
I would never belittle you or anyone on this board. I am sorry you felt that way. I have come to know you over these last months. You get defensive often...then you think and then u come back in post with a level head. This is not a one time thing.
I would never belittle or demean you. Please never compare me to someone like your exAp. I can not even imagine being so hurtful and mean to anyone.
In fact, I have always provided support n kindness with a pure n soothing spirit to everyone I can get to on this board. Including you.
My reputation n posts on this board speak for themselves.
I call it like I see things. I am sorry you were hurt, but I stand by my posts-all of em. My best to you still.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
The fireman is not my xAP btw. ;)
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Hi Lost, been busy around here. Thankfully as soon as kids get out of school I am free for 2 months... freeee i tell ya. I love the kids I work with, but the break will be nice. when I saw you post I had to reply as I've followed your posts :)
Those silly "i"s and "L"s look the same. Was how wierd that I read it as you lost to xAP's wife. Thanks for clarifying.
I hope you are doing better today :)
lost,
The fireman? So what if you change your number. I see nothing wrong in telling him in future, hey I changed my number, let's have lunch sometime. He's single, gorgeous, I'm sure he is used to this by now, ya know. ;-)
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