OMM and OMW Making Post.. We some help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
OMM and OMW Making Post.. We some help!
10
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:02am

I am sure this is a new one. We are the OMM and OMW who are posting together. Our A has "technically" ended and we have confided in our spouses. Needless to say that after a few tough and rocky months, our relationships at home have very slowly started to rebuild. Since we work together, our spouses stressed that there must be NC at work outside of forced work related issues. We tried NC for about a month and failed. We tried again and failed again. I know you are all saying that we should keep trying, but literally sitting next to each other not being able to take our eyes off each other makes NC impossible given the situation that we are in. We were literally miserable at work and at home when we did not talk. Telling our boss to separate us is also not an option.

Our relationship has never just been about the sex. While we are both very physically attracted to each other, we have done everything but have sex, but we do want to. We have remained faithful since telling our spouses. We are still very much in love with our spouses and while this may seem more of an EA, we are not lacking this emotional aspect in our relationships at home to seek it elsewhere. It is just strange because we do have a deep bond and connection with our spouses, but we have also found this with each other. We have also found passion in each other that seems to be lacking at home. Sometimes you just cannot get the passion back no matter how hard you want it to be there. In another life, we would probably be together, but we made our choices many years ago. I (being the OMM) have two kids and I (being the OMW) have none and we stated early on that we were not going to leave our current situations, but we just have this deep magnetic emotional and physical connection that is hard to break.

The questions we are struggling with is this. How do you know if the feelings you have for each other is love or lust? Maybe knowing what we are feeling would better help us deal/cope with all of this. We have read others post that states that they are in love with the OMM or OMW and then there are those that state that you really do not know the person you are having an A with because you only see each other at your best and you do not share "real world" issues with this person and thus life in the A seems perfect. But, the thing is that we do know each other and we have known each other personally for going on two years (actually longer because we knew of each other at a previous company as well). We started commuting together over a year ago (of course since stopped), and thus got to know each other pretty well. We learned a lot about each other that we liked. We are one of those couples in an A that talked everything through about everything and anything . We have gone through a lot together and to do this day, still share a lot with each other (even though we know we shouldn't). We have went through a lot of lifes ups and downs with and we survived all of them and still consider each other best friends (secret best friends, but nonetheless, still best friends).

I (the OMM) am leaving my job in less than a year to start up my own business, so one of our questions is, do we A) Just try to make the most of it and enjoy each others company as friends until "he" finally leaves (while trying to resist each other physically) OR B) Try going back to NC OR C)Give into temptation knowing that there is an end in site?

After reading our posts, we are just looking for some feedback. We are curious in how some of you view this situation. Do you think what we are feeling is love or lust? If it is love, what do we do about it? Neither one of us wants to hurt our spouses anymore than we already have. If it is lust, how do we deal with this until "he" leaves? Can we move on without the other one in our lives once "he" leaves.. do we want to? Should we keep trying the NC? It is just hard to come to realization that someday in the near future, there will be that final "hug" and that final "goodbye"... So many questions.. so many issues... Thanks for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 10:25am
Love or lust?......If you cannot tell, then who can. One thing is certain and that is continued emotional contact will destroy your marriages. You are once again hiding secrets from spouses and that doesn't bode well. The next time they find out it may very well be that you will not get another chance. Do they not deserve better? What are your priorites......OM/OW or H/W? If it isn't your spouses then the marriage is in deep trouble. How would youl feel if the roles were reversed and it was your spouse writing what you have posted. An A is a fantasy world and cannot compete with M which is real world. I understand tha emotions in A can run deep, but you have to decide what is best not just for you but also for family. I am sure that you already knew what I have posted but now you need to make good decisions and stick to them. If your families are truly your #1 priority, then you know what you have to do. Best of luck on your decision!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:44pm

just by reading your story makes me so sad, im so upset at myself, dont know what to say, have no answers or else i would not be here

have u guys tried counselling with each other partner or is that not possible or maybe individual counselling

if u cannot leave each of your M then something has to give

im just as confused as anyone else
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 3:08pm

I think I know who this is the female half of this pair gave these details before, But it is possible there are to stories very much a like.

You claim you know each other, You do not know someone until you spend YEARS facing lifes problems together, have you struggled to make ends meet together NO have you struggled to raise kids together with all the problems that brings today NO, have you really face any aspect of REAL LIFE together NO, until you do you DON'T know someone really.

Passion , let me suggest that if you two were together 24/7 for 10 years you may find that so called passion which is very often nothing more then LUST subsides and is or should be replaced by a more enduring LOVE that will last over a lifetime, they very nature of your non sexual relationship is sustaining that PASSION/LUST a real long term relationship would change that in time.

Quit while your a head keep playing with fire and you can expect both your families to be burned to the ground.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 4:02pm
Thank you for the advise, but you are wrong in that "I" being the OMW has made a post here before. You are correct that we have not lived together on a 24/7 basis, but the feelings we have for each other goes beyond the attraction. We have basically spent more time with each other than with our spouses over the past several years talking about everything in our lives, so I think we do know each other pretty well or we would not be asking for help. We have had normal arguements and obtacles - maybe not finacially, but we have real issues to deal with that we helped each other through (starting a business, a health scare with "his" son,etc). Everything has not been perfect and looking through rosy colored glasses... Can I ask you something? We have been doing a lot of reading of these posts over the last few weeks and I see you comment on everyone's situation. What is yours if you don't mind me asking? Are you a counselor of some sort or just someone who has been through the same thing we are all going through?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:10pm

I have been through it Twice, and for better or worse it seems to many of my close friends have walked the same path, none have ended well, some remain married but deal with guilt and remose for the pain they have brought to there families.

There is a difference between your problems my problems and a OUR PROBLEM, with an our problem you never escape it you don't get to go home and get 10 hours away from it before going back to work, when you share problems with a person around the clock and see them at there worst is when you start to get to know them, there is no other way in my experience.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:18pm

I was in your same situation a few years ago. We worked together for 6 months after the A ended before I got a new job. Once I left my position things got a lot easier. We didn't see each other anymore and I kind of lost the spark that kept igniting the relationship. I started concentrating on my new job and my family and my husband and I have been going strong ever since. Once I left work, it put his mind at ease as well. It did take time to rebuild the relationship, but the sex has been great ever since. I'm sure you think this is love, but you are wrong (maybe). It is most likely lust.

I do think about him every once and a while (the A was REALLY exciting). It is hard to forget but we had to move on. You mentioned that he is leaving to start a business of his own. You will most likely see that what I am saying will come true when he is gone.

We continued to talk at work and even had conversations about staying friends after I left, but we both agreed that when I left it was no longer to be (it would be too easy to slip back into the A). I am glad we no longer see each other. The new job really helped.

You are going through a rough patch of lust, but it will fade when you don't see each other anymore. If you can, concentrate that lust on your husband and wife. It will help build back your relationships. Good luck. I hope you come out of this as lucky as I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:07pm
I like what some1 here said (forget who soz) about if u love some1 then u want the besst not the worst from them. if u have to lie an sneek around an stuff, is it the besst or werst u 2 are showing or given each other. made me think neways. i know i cant spell so sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 9:33pm
Thank you for your encouraging words cured... We know what the right thing to do is and what the wrong thing to do is and we are very greatful for our spouses for trying to get through this with us... We know and hope that it will get easier when he leaves... But, it is just getting us through to that point.. How did you do it without slipping back into the A when you still worked together? I mean we talk about this on daily basis... And at the end of our conversation, we will say how this has to be the end of the flirting, the touching, etc and the discussions, but the next day when we see each other, all of the feelings just come back. It is just so hard... One minute I think I do love him and the next, I just pray that it is only lust... Lust is much easier to let go of, especially when you no longer see each other..We just hope that in time, out feelings for each other will fade. We will never forget, but we pray we can move on from this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 10:20pm
Wow.. what a difference a week or so makes... My H and I went through another rough patch the other day while I was at work on the phone... I was about in tears when the OMM saw and asked what was wrong. I really just needed to talk and he was the only there I could talk to who knows everything... I asked him if we could go outside to talk and he froze. I told him I would be outside.. I sat there for 20 minutes and he never came out... I went back inside and he acted like normal. I ignored him. The next day, again he acted like normal. I, on the other hand was so upset. I sent him a short, but detailed email on how our friendship is officially over, how I should have done this a long time ago and how stupid I have been for being a sucker for so long. He claimed to be my best friend and care for me, yet he was not there for me in my time of need. He got mad and said fine. I responded that he is definitely not the man I thought he was. He responded by saying that he was, but the last time I took him out for a talk like this, he got burned (I told him at that time that I told my husband and that he needed to fess up). So, he said he didnt want to go through that again and that his stomach and his heart told him to just walk away.. I then stated that he needed to be a man and he could not run away from this and how he is in this just as much as I am and he said, what do you want me to do? I stated that he has done enough and that I thought we were going to remain friends until he left, but I can see that we are not friends... I cannot believe he bailed on me like this. He is a good person, I still know that.. I know he got scared, but he was not there for me. My H has ALWAYS been there for me and it makes me sad that I risked my marriage for a guy who was not there for me during a low time. I cannot wait until he is out of our job, and I can move on without him in my life.. I just hope that I can truly forgive myself in time and that this whole experience will eventually become a fog. I know that the OMM will try to talk to me again someday... This incident was only a few days ago. He knows he did wrong... I just hope I can stay strong and not cave. I ws so proud of myself for standing up for myself.. Trust me, I am hurting.. I never thought he would have handled that situation that way...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:10am

Snowball

I am sorry that your hurting but in a way this is the best thing that can happen to you right now, the pain forces you to see a little more clearly, sort of blows a bit of the affair FOG away so that you see reality a bit more clearly.

NOT TO RUB SALT IN YOUR WOUNDS: I attempted to state in earlier post to the TWO of you that you don,t really know each other the way you thought you did because affairs opperate in a isolated bubble that seems like real life but is not, you know your husband because that is a real world relationship affairs just are not the same.

Best of luck to you and your husband in your rebuilding efforts, removing XMM from your life has to be the foundation of that effort.

Free