The OM/W IS hurting too

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
The OM/W IS hurting too
3
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 2:01pm

I've been reading time and time again the same line "how can he/she just move on and not look back"...or words to that effect.

I know that is a source of extreme pain for those that think that is the case with their XOM/W. But, I really don't feel that's whats happening. I know I can't speak for everyone, and in my case it's different because we both have expressed our difficulty in this letting go process, but I truly believe its just the other person putting up their defense,..self-preservation is a better term for it. No one wants to look like they were so dependent on that other person, that we are wallowing in pain as a result.

The other day, my XOM asked me "are you missing me any?"..when I said "badly, would you think otherwise?"..he said "no, I guess I just needed to know".

We all want to know that our X is feeling pain, as much as we are...and trust me, they are. Unless they were made of stone, they are. It may look like they moved on so easily, they aren't giving you a second thought, or they are just being cold and uncaring..but I have no doubt that they are on the other end, being reminded of you constantly.

All those involved in the A need to move on, and we all do that in our own way. It's just like grieving, not everyone crys when they lose someone they love and the rest of us look at that as odd.

Because of all the anguish I'm hearing from so many of you on this particular topic...I hope that you all can find a way to resolve that one issue within yourself, seems to be one of the biggest source of heartache resulting from the breakup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 2:56pm

Hurtpup -

Thanks for that. You are so right...I think that alot of the time, we just want to know that they are hurting too. When we don't see it (due to NC) we assume they have just picked up and moved on without giving us a second thought. Everyone deals with grief and emotions in their own way. My xOM once told me he puts a wall up - it's how he's comfortable.

Again, thank you for this post!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 3:05pm

Thank You!

Me & my OM are at the stage where he is uncomfortable w/ our A because I am married & OM and my H are friends. OM was also starting to fall very hard for me and knew that I had no intentions of leaving my H.

I was going to log on and complain about how my OM keeps me constantly confused with his ever changing state of emotions...but...

If I sit back & look at it from his point of view, I guess he is hurting just as much as I am, if not more. OM is single, has no one but himself in the world. I have my H and my children. It looks as though he has no problems keeping NC but when we break NC, he is the first one to grab my hand & he is the first one w/ a tear in his eye. I can cry w/ OM then go home to my life. OM cries w/ me and goes home alone! When I think OM is acting like he doesn't care...the fact is...I believe that he is just protecting his own heart!

I try so very hard to keep NC. I know that I have NO intentions of leaving my H. I do love OM and I long for his touch and to hear his voice but I must admit, I am being a selfish bit&* to keep contacting him knowing that it will only hurt him in the long run.

Thank you

Emerald

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 4:46pm
Thanks all for the posts.
I talked with my OM(he's single) on Friday night...almost a week ago.
I thought I was ready to be friends, but realized I was still desperately holding on.
I've tried this week to let go more and not call. Some days I'm successful and others I'm not. The reality is only 50% of the time after we've talked do I feel any better. Half the time he's just an A$$ to talk to, but the other times he's sweet and open with his feelings. The latter is probably most true, the other times is him holding his heart closed....make sense?
Tuesday he was pretty straight forward and said, "I miss you. Yeah, I'm doin' ok, I guess the best I can under the circumstances. I wish things could be different, but I know this is what's best." I was shocked.
So later the same day I made the comment...."I was surprised you said that you missed me, I thought I was just a pain in your a$$." (Ok yeah, I was fishin'....I'm lame, I know..)
and his only reply was an attempt to joke. "oh you were more than a pain in the a$$..."
And then he akwardly changed the subject with "You need to work on your marriage..." And my reply to that was, "Oh shut up! I don't need you to tell me the obvious." It makes me so mad when he says that. That's like tellin' the fat girl she could stand to loose a few pounds!!
He says he wants to be friends. But reality is two people who have loved each other for 15 years and who have been physically intimate simply can't be friends....it just isn't possible....tell me I'm right. I cannot call him anymore. He totally makes me crazy. He sucks at being a friend anyway. He sucked at being a lover....atleast toward the end...I don't want to sound mean. But he has minimal "maintainence skills", ya know?
He is so all or none with his feelings. He is either totally devoted or totally a jerk!
Sorry to rant. I'm just reeling today. I so badly want to call him today to get rid of this "bad taste in my mouth" from our last phone call, but I know I shouldn't. I won't win either way. I will either re-open that weeping wound or worse have another cold conversation. Neither are great options.
Why is getting over this so much more difficult than breaking up with a BF before I was married????????? I thought somehow being married would make the "getting over it" easier.

~Baby