one finger pointing, four back at you.
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one finger pointing, four back at you.
| Mon, 05-24-2010 - 12:17am |
Does anyone else wince when the xAP is slammed? I do. Everytime. He's a jerk, selfish, a fisher, egotistical... on and on. Know why? Because I can't place all that on AP without placing it also on myself. i KNOW we need/want to kick xAP, and I've done my fair share; I just sort of wish we would just focus on ourselves and not on the nasty qualities of X. unrealistic, I know. oy.
Dee
Dee

Yes, agree.
Well said Dee. This is one of my biggest struggles. In order to move past this, I want/need to hate him to fuel myself forward, but what I've found is when I list all of the reasons to hate him, they point to reasons I should hate myself... and I can't handle that right now. So, I've done a lot of reflecting about ME so that as I work through this I am bettering myself and not worrying so much about what he did or didn't do. This recovery is on me and that has been a huge step in the right direction.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I totally agree with you dee!! When I read a post about a MM being selfish or a jerk I think WTF does that make the AP who engages herself with a MM in the first place knowing that he's M to someone else? I think this board is very bias and makes MM out to be some kind of predator and the AP an innocent little girl (so to speak) who was pursued so hard by big bad MM that she just couldn't help herself. That kind of victim mentality enables our wrong doing. The very fact that you allow a MM to "pursue" you in the first place is screwed up logic. It seems to be OK to say that MM is a liar H-E-L-L-O anyone who participates in an A is a liar and cheater (present company included). I also don't understand the self-righteous indignation of a lot of posters on this board who feel entitled to the MM knowing that he has a W. Another thing that I will never understand is how an AP is surprised when they find out they are not the only one the MM is cheating with. A man who cheats on his W, is a man who is a cheater. It's OK that the MM has one AP and his W but not OK if they find out they aren't the only one or wasn't the first AP. I just don't get it.
JMHO
I don't begrudge anyone for venting about X now and then --and, gee, some of those dudes are real a$$holes, X or no. Feel really sorry and hurt for those women who have to deal with those guys, for sure. Maybe venting is healthy in the beginning - maybe it is all just part of the 'process'? Maybe its just the long way around to eventually holding up that super-duper painful mirror and seeing ourselves. It takes time to accept full accountability, but it's so necessary for true healing.
dee
My Exap was/is an jerk. He is a predator, he is a devil. I take responsibility for my part the minute I knew he was married. I am not bitter about him. But he is what he is. And I was, what I was after I knew he was M and it was ugly. I was ugly. It was for a short time, but I felt so damn bad then.
His recent fishing attempts that I had to recover from where cruel. Him going thru great lengths to fish made him selfish. He continued to hurt me despite me walking away. This is just my experience. So I do not necessarily point fingers at him. I have not even called him any names in forever. I just chimed in to say that if it had not been able for me to vent about exAP and for others to help me see him for who he is, I would not be well AT ALL.
My Exap has had multiple affairs and some knew he was M and some did not, he claims I did not know because I was special. That in itself is an insult. None of us are special, We are just available, willing or not. As, I stated the venting here let me see him for what he was. I was always honest when I posted and my fog was still thick despite cruelty that was simply not necessary.
I do accept my part in so many ways..yet I think I have paid my dues. And can only go forward and not beat me up, hell I do not even beat him up anymore. I am almost at total forgiveness with him. He does not control me anymore.
My 2 cents...
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin,
Yes, yes. got ya. We talk about our Xs so that we can be _known_. our experiences _known_. True that. We need to identify. Vent in SAFE place. Let off that steam before our tops explode off. right?
I don't know what I would have done if the sweeties here had not let me vent and fuss and tell me X was a nasty bugger. ;) I probably really would have graffiti'd his stupid billboard, as I giggled about doing a few months back.
On the flip side, I'm also equally grateful for Iddy, EI and the other Vets who smacked me upside the head and told me to make this healing about ME, not about him.
Goodness, it really is amazing how we navigate all these difficult nuisances together! Ever so thankful for the opportunity to hear and be heard! Love this darn board.
xo to you, L.
D