One last 'habit' to break, need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
One last 'habit' to break, need help
11
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:57am

As you all know, getting over the A has alot to do with breaking certain habits you've come to make a part of your everyday existance. Well, I've gotten over the habit of the phone calls we had to each other during the workday, and I've gotten over not seeing him anymore for lunch, but there is one thing that I have been doing for a long time, and it's the one last thing I need to let go of.

Before I go into this last habit, let me say a few things first. I would say only 5% of our contact was on the phone, 5% in person, but 90% was carried out online. Now, I've lessened considerably the amount of time I chat with him online (complete NC hasn't been an option because the four of us are friends, and NC would cause suspicion). And as of yesterday, after another sarcastic remark by me, whereas he replied "same sh*t, bye", I sent him an email saying "I have too much resentment and it comes out whether I want it to or not, until I can overcome this, I will be staying away from the computer awhile". So I will be having NC until my own issues are resolved enough to be able to talk without smart remarks.

Anyway, here's the habit. I have a screenname that he doesn't know. I leave up my computer all day and all night, logged on under this name. By doing so, it tracks when he signs on and off. I've been doing this for years to monitor his comings and goings (I had other reasons for doing this, but that's a whole other story). Anyway, even though we've been broken up for several months, I continue to do this. I want to remove his screenname from that buddy list so I can no longer see when he's on and when he's not. But I can't seem to take that last step. The curiousity will drive me nuts, but going to my computer and seeing his name there, also drives me nuts because I always wonder who he's talking to.

Has anyone else done this type of 'tracking' or am I the only nut that is doing this. Also, if there are any words of wisdom for me to be rid of this last habit of mine, I think I will finally be free of the hold this man has on me.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:11am

hurtpup,
Happy Friday girlfriend! O.k everyone probably realizes I am a complete nutjob (hence the name) but I actually would go in everyday to my address book in yahoo and put all of his sign in names BACK in so that I could see if the little smily face was lit up or not. Then I would delete them all back out! And then go back in and do it again! What a dork!!!!
I wonder if this makes me some sort of cyber-stalker? Oh well!
Anyways, I have stopped doing this as of recently. It is hard to stop any kind of habit. I have an addictive personality also(co-dependent)I need to have some kind of habit to get my by. It took me a long time (before our relationship was even over) to stop checking my email every 5 minutes to see if 'maybe' he sent me a message. I think you just have to decide to take that step and just stick to it.
Sorry, I wish i had some insightful words of wisdom for ya.
Just know you are not the only silly, cyber stalker out there!

~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:16am

Happy Friday to you too nuttmeg!

See, that's exactly what I know I would do if I delete the names. I will just plug them back in when I need to know, and delete them again. But maybe that's the way to go. Maybe I'll go longer and longer in between having to check on him until that need is gone. Baby steps perhaps is the answer.

Thanks for responding, fellow nut of mine :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:31am

Hey Pup,
Baby steps, just make sure those steps are in a forward direction. I have to admit, I do the exact same thing sometimes. I have no idea why, but when I'm home and studying etc. I am usually on a SN that no one knows and I have him on my buddy list.

He has a SN that he only used when he wanted to talk with me. I guess when I see him pop in and out on that SN, I know that he is still thinking of me and looking to see if I'm online or if I've sent him an email (maybe)? I know, it's crazy but I've come SUCH a long way that I don't think it's really a big deal. I liken it to someone who has quit smoking and no longer desires a cigarette, but still needs that occasional nicotine patch.

Have a wonderful weekend!
CG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:18pm

Dear hurtpup:

It took me a long time to not look for him online. I felt like I was with him when we were both online together. Finally I took him off my buddy list for good. and I finally blocked him from im and email. I have no desire to unblock him even though he asked me to. There is some security knowing that when I check my email it will never be him so I don't have to wonder or look.

My terrible habit was that I had his password and I would go into his email account and even bump him off sometimes. I would read his emails and find out things about his life. I would do it even when we had long periods of NC. Then he would change his password and I couldn't do it. About three weeks ago I checked his email and he had changed his password back to an old one that he knows I know. And later when we had contact he accused me of bumping him off his screen name and I said no I didn't. He told me what his password was and I told him to change it.

I am making a bargain with myself not to sign on to his screen name ever again. And I haven't had the urge at all. I guess I am really moving on.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:52pm

hurtpup,

i too check up on OM through another name. i know when he is on and when he is not.

the sign on name we used he blocked me from and he is never on msn which he used only to IM with me.

i have tried to cut down on checking for him. in part it made me happy when i got the message he had logged on. but then it hurts me to see he still has me blocked on my other sign on name.

sometimes i sign on with the hope that he is on thinking of me. but when i see he is not it hurts.

i have to overcome this hurdle too. but day by day.

i have had a hard time with even keeping NC. so for me its a day to day challenge to even make it through the day happy.

not checking for him is the last habit...i have gotten better but i still check.

thanks 4 listening

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:21pm

I don't think I could ever block him from IM or email. Because I was on the other end of that with my XMM#1 (this is my second A). When my first A was ending, we promised to remain friendly, but out of the blue one day, I found he had blocked me. No explanation, no prior arguement, I have no idea to this day why he did that. I was devastated. I broke down because it came as a complete shock and had to try to explain my outburst to my H (that was about 5 years ago). So, knowing the pain that caused ME, I could never do that to a man I love.

I could, however, remove him from my buddy list, especially on the screenname he doesn't have anyway. Why the hell would I need to know he's online, if I have no intention of switching over to talk to him? I have 2 names of his, and one screenname is the one he goes into chatrooms under. That one bugs me the most, because I can see that he's in a room, and then my imagination goes crazy. I've even created another screenname just to go in the room and spy on his conversation. And once, I didn't like what I saw, copied his text from the room,jumped over to the name he knows, and pasted his words. Thereby, outright telling him I was spying on him. He's done the same thing to me to, so I guess it's just par for the course when you are carrying on such a deceitful relationship to begin with.

Anyway, it's good to hear others that still 'watch' for the online status of their X. Hate to think I was the only one out there with that need-to-know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 1:32pm

Dear HP:

You CAN block him. I did AFTER xMM and I had AGREED to complete NC and he PROMISED he would keep it--that he wanted it too. Then he IMd me twice after about two weeks. SOMEONE has to end the cycle. I did it FOR HIM as much as for me. I blocked him from IM and email. Later he told me he knew that I had blocked him from email. He doesn't get that he just doesn't see me online for IM.

I am so glad that I have done it and I will keep him blocked. NC IS NC. You have to really mean it.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:28pm

I finally deleted about 3-4 emails that I had been saving to read over and over again. That same day I deleted those emails, I deleted him from my address book and IM. I could never tell when he was online though. He had this email acct only for "us". I had deleted his email from my IM list many times before and then put it back on. Doesn't it send the person a message saying that you have been added to so and so's IM list? I remember getting messages when my other friends would add their names.

I plan on sticking to NC this time. He made his choice to work on his M so I don't want to stand in his way. I need to work on my M right now too. My H and I have been to two counseling sessions and things have been much better. I'm still waiting for the day that I can say that I love my H again. I still don't feel that right now even though things are much better, maybe in time...

Dallas

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:51pm

I usually don't save emails too long. Maybe long enough to re-read them once or twice, then I always deleted them. So at least I didn't have that to contend with.

I still have every gift he gave me sitting right here in front of me in my work office. I also have gifts at home that he gave me, that are right out in the open. Most things are pretty generic items that I could have easily bought myself. But there was one special thing at home that my H never even asked me about. Sometimes I wonder how he can be so oblivious to things. I never felt the need to get rid of anything or even put them out of sight. They don't bring me sadness, because they were given to me for a reason and would have only gotten rid of them if I ended up hating him, which I do not.

As far as them being able to tell if you've added them to your buddy list, that only pertains to certain chat programs, like yahoo. I guess if we were using that, I would be even more hestitant to delete his name because I know I could never add it back without his knowledge. But with what I am using, I can delete and add as many times as I want. Hopefully, there will be a time I feel I no longer need to add him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 3:08pm

I still have the letter he wrote me almost 20 years ago from college, hidden in my dresser drawer. He also wrote me a one lined note (that said he would always be there for me) when we met last march both on business trips. That was the time when we first realized that there were still very powerful and overwhelming feelings for each other. We planned out our next meeting on another business trip. It was about 1 week after his birthday. I had something I wanted to give him for his birthday but I didn't want him to have to explain it to his W.

While we were together, we talked a lot about so many things that I couldn't even talk with my husband about. We learned so much about each other in the months before we got together and in the 5 days we were together. We found out that we actually both went to the same elementary school for K-3 grade! I have been looking for my school pictures to see if he was actually in one of my classes but I can't find it.

Dallas

Pages