Maybe he did feel sorry for your DH, especially if your DH is faithful to you. Guys are weird about having an A with another man's W. I don't think he was being cruel, I think he probably did feel bad that he was cheating with a MW. My xap said something similar to me after I broke up with him. I would worry about why you didn't feel bad for cheating on your DH instead of feeling like your xap was cruel for saying that. No one deserves to have an unfaithful spouse unless they want an open M.
I was trying to figure out a way of saying exactly what Mom just said to you.
Do you think you were hurt that he "called you out" on what you said, instead of playing the game like I'm sure he did in the past? I know from experience when I have gone to "the low place" in desperation and not gotten the response I wanted or expected, I was hurt and angry.
I think what he said was cruel. I don't think he was really feeling sorry for your husband. I think maybe at the time he was wanting the A to be over and wanted to hurt you. After all it takes two to have an affair. And you are right what about his W, what is the difference? He was doing the same thing to her as you were to your husband. Maybe I am bitter but I have little sympathy for these MM right now.
I know, I need to let it go - ALL OF IT, this was just the one thing I never understood and you are both right; I didn't get the response I wanted and it angered me as well as being told my H deserved better becuase I saw it as - well so does your W but I've never told you that!!!!!
You are also right in saying he did feel guilty (he has told me guilt messes with him big time) and we've disucssed how each of our spouses would not do to us what we were doing to them.....and on top of that he would run into my H at events that went on in our city (once they had lunch, my XAP doing, for sure) and the day he said this to me, he was going to be seeing my H the following day. He has told me what a great guy my H is and has said "don't f**k that up, seriously".
So maybe he wasn't trying to be cruel and I took it as such becuase I didn't get the response I wanted yet I also felt like - WTH, he can look at my, all of me like he was STILL doing yet I can't send an email like I did??
You guys have helped me in this area, honest. I am going to let it go, I just needed some input becuase this is something I've never shared/spoke of and you know how something just "sits there" inside you and you need to get it out - well that is how this has been for me.
Thanks so much for your input. Hugs
*PS* and of course no one deserves to be cheated on and since being out of this A (NC/LC) I have really realized how awesome my H is and
Sorry, CG4S, but I have to agree with the others. He was obviously trying to hurt you with his words, but it looks like you have said some not so nice things yourself. You know, true healing doesn't begin until you start holding yourself accountable for your part in all of this. Actually, I didn't realize your were M until this post of yours, so I apologize, but as the saying goes honey, "When you play, you pay." His animosity towards you at work is making sense to me now. Nasty emails were not the way to go.
Yes, I have said some not so nice things, but not until he sent me that reply to my email, I just belive after all we've been through, all we've shared, all we've talked about, he coudl have handled it in a different way, maybe just a "hey, we can't do this anymore.....I'm done"....ANYTHING other then how he handled it.
Again, time to let it ALL go, and as far as my not so nice words, I'm sorry that I feel so cold inside towards him that I have to say, he deserved it, he deserved every word, I didn't even call him any names, it was all factual stuff, he even once told me "you are way too good to me" - ha, that says it all!!
MEN - ARGHHHHHHHHHHHhh then he can sit there and think his A$$ can look me up and down as if he is Fing me with his eyes, maybe I should have said "I feel sorry for your W, she deserves better - don't ever look at me that way again"!!!!!!
I know I've said things I wouldn't have thought would ever come out of my mouth. I've even hung up on XAP a few times - and I've never done that to anyone. Yuck.
Your realization that he's also said to you that "you are too good for him" is huge! Remember that - it's all JUST WORDS.
There was a time when XAP was all teary and telling me he wished I could be at this one event with him, and then 10 minutes later it was a full blown fight with him telling me I was keeping things from him, and he wasn't sure "we" would ever happen. IN THE SAME CONVERSATION!! So which was it? Insanity.
Next time XAP looks you up and down just give him a steely stare for a split second, look away, go about your business and forget about him. He doesn't deserve a millisecond of your thoughts.
We do some foolish things in A's. We feel pain and we want to leash it back on them. We take things very personally. They do not, well most men do not.
The factual email you sent likely fell on deaf ears. My exAp said he would skim thru things, barely read what I would send, said I was emotional. He really did not read what I said. Nor did he care to see what I had to see let alone how I felt.
MM who cheat are so one sided. It's ok for them to do but not us. They do not respect us. And they usually hold women to a higher standard than they hold themselves. That is why he views you differently than he does himself.
I spent a lot of dark days hurting over things that were said to me. Letting go can be tough. Do your bees to just leave it be. We will always be looking for answers and they will never provide them. You are going to resolve things for yourself.
As always, thank you all again for your words of encouragement regarding this issue and unanswered question I’ve held on to. I know I need to let it go; sometimes it is just so hard.
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Crazy -
I was trying to figure out a way of saying exactly what Mom just said to you.
Do you think you were hurt that he "called you out" on what you said, instead of playing the game like I'm sure he did in the past? I know from experience when I have gone to "the low place" in desperation and not gotten the response I wanted or expected, I was hurt and angry.
Regardless, let it go.
Bodhi
I know, I need to let it go - ALL OF IT, this was just the one thing I never understood and you are both right; I didn't get the response I wanted and it angered me as well as being told my H deserved better becuase I saw it as - well so does your W but I've never told you that!!!!!
You are also right in saying he did feel guilty (he has told me guilt messes with him big time) and we've disucssed how each of our spouses would not do to us what we were doing to them.....and on top of that he would run into my H at events that went on in our city (once they had lunch, my XAP doing, for sure) and the day he said this to me, he was going to be seeing my H the following day. He has told me what a great guy my H is and has said "don't f**k that up, seriously".
So maybe he wasn't trying to be cruel and I took it as such becuase I didn't get the response I wanted yet I also felt like - WTH, he can look at my, all of me like he was STILL doing yet I can't send an email like I did??
You guys have helped me in this area, honest. I am going to let it go, I just needed some input becuase this is something I've never shared/spoke of and you know how something just "sits there" inside you and you need to get it out - well that is how this has been for me.
Thanks so much for your input. Hugs
*PS* and of course no one deserves to be cheated on and since being out of this A (NC/LC) I have really realized how awesome my H is and
Sorry, CG4S, but I have to agree with the others. He was obviously trying to hurt you with his words, but it looks like you have said some not so nice things yourself. You know, true healing doesn't begin until you start holding yourself accountable for your part in all of this. Actually, I didn't realize your were M until this post of yours, so I apologize, but as the saying goes honey, "When you play, you pay." His animosity towards you at work is making sense to me now. Nasty emails were not the way to go.
As others have already said,
~Iddy~
Yes, I have said some not so nice things, but not until he sent me that reply to my email, I just belive after all we've been through, all we've shared, all we've talked about, he coudl have handled it in a different way, maybe just a "hey, we can't do this anymore.....I'm done"....ANYTHING other then how he handled it.
Again, time to let it ALL go, and as far as my not so nice words, I'm sorry that I feel so cold inside towards him that I have to say, he deserved it, he deserved every word, I didn't even call him any names, it was all factual stuff, he even once told me "you are way too good to me" - ha, that says it all!!
MEN - ARGHHHHHHHHHHHhh then he can sit there and think his A$$ can look me up and down as if he is Fing me with his eyes, maybe I should have said "I feel sorry for your W, she deserves better - don't ever look at me that way again"!!!!!!
A$$HOLE!
I know I've said things I wouldn't have thought would ever come out of my mouth. I've even hung up on XAP a few times - and I've never done that to anyone. Yuck.
Your realization that he's also said to you that "you are too good for him" is huge! Remember that - it's all JUST WORDS.
There was a time when XAP was all teary and telling me he wished I could be at this one event with him, and then 10 minutes later it was a full blown fight with him telling me I was keeping things from him, and he wasn't sure "we" would ever happen. IN THE SAME CONVERSATION!! So which was it? Insanity.
Next time XAP looks you up and down just give him a steely stare for a split second, look away, go about your business and forget about him. He doesn't deserve a millisecond of your thoughts.
Bodhi
CG4S,
We do some foolish things in A's. We feel pain and we want to leash it back on them. We take things very personally. They do not, well most men do not.
The factual email you sent likely fell on deaf ears. My exAp said he would skim thru things, barely read what I would send, said I was emotional. He really did not read what I said. Nor did he care to see what I had to see let alone how I felt.
MM who cheat are so one sided. It's ok for them to do but not us. They do not respect us. And they usually hold women to a higher standard than they hold themselves. That is why he views you differently than he does himself.
I spent a lot of dark days hurting over things that were said to me. Letting go can be tough. Do your bees to just leave it be. We will always be looking for answers and they will never provide them. You are going to resolve things for yourself.
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yes, I have an answer...it is because he is emotionally abusive and rude.
As always, thank you all again for your words of encouragement regarding this issue and unanswered question I’ve held on to. I know I need to let it go; sometimes it is just so hard.
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