What will "one last time" accomplish? You already know it's over. There is no need for "one last time." I too have wanted to see xAP one more time, but then I know I'd only be opening myself up to all of those wounds. For me, it's easier not to see him. It's your decision, but I don't think any good will come of it.
Alice, My very wise T once told me that I was saying I wanted out and kept telling him in our sessions that I knew the affair had to end, but I was NOT acting that way, so why should my xAP believe me? You are doing just that...so STOP. I know it is hard but the longer you go on, it won't get any easier.
Actions speak louder than words, just as the AP actions,or lack there of, speak louder than the blah,blah,blah words. I dragged things on/off for years and finally "heard" what the wise VETS on this board were saying. I took much time away from a really pretty great life with husband and kids and I can never recoup those yrs and that is my great regret. So look inside yourself and DO what you SAY you want to do.
Everyone here has been there and can help - but you have to decide to take that first step!
You can take the control right now. NO you will NOT meet him. End of story. He wants to blame you because that's easier than blaming himself. Block and walk.
Do you really want to meet someone "one last time" who accused you of doing something that you didn't do. Someone who was that angry at you and doesn't believe you when you told him that you didn't do it on purpose. I would never have thought a thing about wearing lotion when with my xAP.
Putting everything else aside (just the fact that affairs in themselves are terrible things and that alone should be a good enough reason to end it.) You do not owe this man anything. He has treated you very poorly and he has shown you just how much you mean to him.
It is finally your chance to have the upper hand and get control of the situation. This is actually the perfect opportunity for you. Do not stand for this kind of treatment. You deserve so much better. You said that you don't want to be seen in this kind of light. Well if you meet him "one more time" you will be allowing yourself to be seen in this kind of light, and you will show him that. He will think that he can get away with treating you like this.
But, you can change that. You can take away the control that he thinks has and you can be in control of your life. Not that it matters what he thinks, but he will see the inner strength and courage that you have and he might even be surprised when you show him (by blocking and walking and no contact) that you deserve so much better. You deserve to be someone's number one priority and you should be able to wear lotion whenever the heck that you want!
Take the power back. Take control. Dont let him end it your way, end it yours. Tell him there is NO NEED to meet one last time and that you are fine ending things without a final goodbye. I know that you are not ok with any of it, Ive been there, hell, I AM there.
Dont let him have the upper hand, you take it, take your dignity and say NO THANKS to him. It will make you feel more sure of yourself and will leave him stunned that you were not his "beck and call girl" for once.
He's just going to berate you and make you feel even more like sh*t. He expects you to do what you usually do, back down, defend yourself, beg for forgiveness, and bend over backwards to appease him and validate his INSANE control issues. And you still think, after all this time, that you can counter-manipulate him so that he'll change his mind and think you're a Peach? You're not going to succeed at that, you know. He wouldn't dare give in to any of your arguments because then he's giving up his POWER. He's mentally abusive.
Why do you care what he thinks at this point? Be happy he wants to end it, for whatever reason! Do YOU want to end it? Really?? If yes, then don't continue this hurtful dance any longer. Can you just shock the h*ll of out him but saying, "Yeah, no... I'm not going to meet you. No point in it. I'm done. Bye." This should really be only about YOU right now, but if you really, really need to focus on him because you can't control yourself, then just think of how saying "Nope. Outta here." will knock that selfish, sick, f'er right on his self-absorbed a$$! He thinks he knows you? He thinks he's got your number??? Show him there is something he _doesn't_ know about you: You're a strong woman. Heck, you don't know this about yourself (yet!), but we like to say around here, "Fake it until you make it!"
I sure do hope for your sake you make the right decision today. We're all pulling for you.
Pages
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Alice,
DON'T DO IT!
Alice,
My very wise T once told me that I was saying I wanted out and kept telling him in our sessions that I knew the affair had to end, but I was NOT acting that way, so why should my xAP believe me? You are doing just that...so STOP. I know it is hard but the longer you go on, it won't get any easier.
Actions speak louder than words, just as the AP actions,or lack there of, speak louder than the blah,blah,blah words. I dragged things on/off for years and finally "heard" what the wise VETS on this board were saying. I took much time away from a really pretty great life with husband and kids and I can never recoup those yrs and that is my great regret. So look inside yourself and DO what you SAY you want to do.
Everyone here has been there and can help - but you have to decide to take that first step!
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Do you really want to meet someone "one last time" who accused you of doing something that you didn't do. Someone who was that angry at you and doesn't believe you when you told him that you didn't do it on purpose. I would never have thought a thing about wearing lotion when with my xAP.
Putting everything else aside (just the fact that affairs in themselves are terrible things and that alone should be a good enough reason to end it.) You do not owe this man anything. He has treated you very poorly and he has shown you just how much you mean to him.
It is finally your chance to have the upper hand and get control of the situation. This is actually the perfect opportunity for you. Do not stand for this kind of treatment. You deserve so much better. You said that you don't want to be seen in this kind of light. Well if you meet him "one more time" you will be allowing yourself to be seen in this kind of light, and you will show him that. He will think that he can get away with treating you like this.
But, you can change that. You can take away the control that he thinks has and you can be in control of your life. Not that it matters what he thinks, but he will see the inner strength and courage that you have and he might even be surprised when you show him (by blocking and walking and no contact) that you deserve so much better. You deserve to be someone's number one priority and you should be able to wear lotion whenever the heck that you want!
Take care
Take the power back. Take control. Dont let him end it your way, end it yours. Tell him there is NO NEED to meet one last time and that you are fine ending things without a final goodbye. I know that you are not ok with any of it, Ive been there, hell, I AM there.
Dont let him have the upper hand, you take it, take your dignity and say NO THANKS to him. It will make you feel more sure of yourself and will leave him stunned that you were not his "beck and call girl" for once.
Stay strong and stay in control.
Love,
GMLB
Oh, Alice....
<>
Nothing you say or do from this moment on is going to change his mind about how he feels right now.
~Iddy~
Bestrong wrote this yesterday and it really stuck in my mind...
He's just going to berate you and make you feel even more like sh*t. He expects you to do what you usually do, back down, defend yourself, beg for forgiveness, and bend over backwards to appease him and validate his INSANE control issues. And you still think, after all this time, that you can counter-manipulate him so that he'll change his mind and think you're a Peach? You're not going to succeed at that, you know. He wouldn't dare give in to any of your arguments because then he's giving up his POWER. He's mentally abusive.
Why do you care what he thinks at this point? Be happy he wants to end it, for whatever reason! Do YOU want to end it? Really?? If yes, then don't continue this hurtful dance any longer. Can you just shock the h*ll of out him but saying, "Yeah, no... I'm not going to meet you. No point in it. I'm done. Bye." This should really be only about YOU right now, but if you really, really need to focus on him because you can't control yourself, then just think of how saying "Nope. Outta here." will knock that selfish, sick, f'er right on his self-absorbed a$$! He thinks he knows you? He thinks he's got your number??? Show him there is something he _doesn't_ know about you: You're a strong woman. Heck, you don't know this about yourself (yet!), but we like to say around here, "Fake it until you make it!"
I sure do hope for your sake you make the right decision today. We're all pulling for you.
Best,
Dee
Pages