One Month

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
One Month
7
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 11:29am

I thought today I would feel good, but I dont, I feel so ashamed and unworthy and cheap and so very very alone. I dont even know what else to say, Im just sitting here crying....

I guess as the fog clears a little and the rose coloured specs come off, it shows a lot of ugly stuff too....

Anyhow I made it to a month and in 30 days I will post again saying two months - oh please let that post be a happier one.....

Sunny X

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 12:11pm

(((((Sunny))))) You are not alone. We have all felt the same. Although it is not the same as being in person, you have a whole bunch of people here with you who have done similar and have felt similar. 

Cry, let it out and commend yourself on your strength and the good choices you now make. Some days are just going to be harder than others, it is how we make it through that matters and from what I read by you, you will make it honey, this is just one of those things we must work through. I am terribly ashamed of myself and my behavior too but I plan on never repeating those mistakes and becoming a better person in the long run.

We cannot change the past but what we do today can improve our future and that is what you are doing now. Be proud of the smart strong woman you are. Here is a favorite quote of mine that I have read over many times by legendary basketball coach John Wooden:

“You cannot change yesterday, and a better tomorrow will be the result of what you do today.
If you do your best, angels can do no better. And this present moment – right now – is when you have that opportunity.”

Hopeful xo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 12:41pm
Hey Sunny!

Wow one month - that is a huge milestone!!!! I hope somewhere amidst the sadness you are feeling - that you are PROUD of yourself?!

I'm proud of you, you have come so far in your journey already and have made yourself a valuable member of this board.

In the early stages it's more than normal to have lots of bad days, my only advice is to hold on tight to the good moments. I find the lows moments hard to deal with, but they will stop being so frequent, which means the good times are increasing. Cry and let it all out, keep posting here and seriously, before you know it - you will be a tweener - I cant wait to see you get your wings - you are so deserving.

I wish so much I could take some of that pain you are feeling today from you - but something I learnt this week is you have to go through these moments to see what's on the other side - you have to understand why you are feeling this way and learn from it. There is no easy way through it, and it's extra tough for someone like me who prefers the path of less resistance. I think this pain will be enough to ensure I don't have a repeat performance!!!!

Never go back Sunny, keep matching forward even if your steps are Heavy right now - we've all got your back and I for one am cheering you on all the way!

Remember what a wonderful person you are, and remember you brave and courageous in the way you have handled this battle.

Take care Sunny

WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2011
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 12:56pm
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am not that far out into NC, but i am trying to remember that when you wipe everything away......and i mean everyone and everything, what we have left is ourselves. We need to begin and end there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2012
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 3:15pm

HI, Sweet Sunny:smileyhappy:

I'm right there with ya, gal....strugglin' right along at 19 days NC.  You are not alone!  

I want to say to you loudly and proudly that from the bottom of my heart, I APPRECIATE YOU!  You're words and kind thoughts have been a driving force behind me taking one step at a time, drudging thru this horrible pain that I'm in. I've read and re-read your posts to me, and I'm so in awe of your perspective at being so newly out.  Please know that in your pain, you are TRULY helping others.  I hope that can give you some comfort, although, I know your struggles are painful, too.  You are a beacon shining brightly on this board, and you have many, many friends cheering you along the way in your journey as welll.

We will get through this.  

Many :smileyhappy:s,

SSB~Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 3:28pm
Oh Sunny Girl, sorry it's a bad one for you - but you will get through, maybe a few tears lighter but one more day on the road to getting the splinter out of your heart. The bad days do get fewer and farther between, or so I find at 7 weeks out. As SSB says, there are lots of people to help you through it!! So if you are sad, let it pass through you and we will be here.

XO's Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 6:44pm

Awww thanks everyone for your encouraging words. I appreciate it them more than I can say. This really is a warm, healing place. I dont know what I would do without it.... Just watched the movie "my sisters keeper" and had a right good howling session. Thats me cried out for another wee while.

Hopeful you really are such an inspiration, and yes the one single positive I hold steadfast to is the knowledge that never ever again shall I let this happen. I just wish this was one teeshirt I didnt have... I love love love your quote and have copied it to my notes.... there is quite a little collection gathering. Hope you had another fun day mulching. Keep us all updated on the progress.... outdoors and in :-)

WGO thank you for your lovely words I so hope the lows get less and less. I have my appointment with my new T tomoro and im hoping this one will be a better fit. Have you lifted the phone yet??? I cant wait to get my wings either WGO only 60 more days - imagine! Do you remember the tough love you gave me after I broke NC after 7 days? I remeber it always and love you for it. So pleased you are feeling stronger this last few days. I will be to I know it....

MM I really like your quote also... and yes looking inward is the only way out of this. Im just not liking what Im seeing inside, but tomorrow is another day, and onward we go. How are you doing MM? Its tough isnt it, but NC really does clear the fog. I hated the concept when I first arrived but slowly I got my head round it and it does work. Today I have wallowed somewhat and it struck me for the first time. If I were to contact him (not ever going to) but if I were - I really wouldnt know what to say, I dont have anything to say.... I hope you get that point too.....

Sandy!!! Thank you so much for your lovely words. Sometimes I worry that I say the wrong thing and hurt or offend someone but the intention is always to support and help. It sure does hurt... But yes WE will do this, we ARE doing this. You, Daisy, MM and I are among the next batch of tweeners!! You sound more positive today sandy, Im so glad. Stay with it keep reading/posting. Do this for you hun you and your lovely family.

Daisy my lovely friend across the pond :-) You are always here and thank you... The splinter sure did hurt today, but its nearly midnight and nearly bedtime so off I go with puffy eyes but a little lighter in heart....

Hugs to every one

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

Sunny X

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 06-11-2012 - 1:41am

Sunny,

I'm so amazed at how far you have come in only one month!  In my 3 years on MAS and lurking on EAS, I have rarely seen anyone who managed to just grab on and dig in like you have.  You were at a REALLY difficult point for an ending...most people who come here have either been completely dumped or so worn down that the shine is already off the A.  You were still in the early stage, and that makes it all the more amazing that your logical side managed to take over and end it because you knew it was going to have a bad ending.  I don't think you realize how special this makes you.  Very few people even try it, which tells me that you have great intelligence, as well as some very well-developed feelings of empathy and sympathy.  I know the guilt makes you feel bad, but it's a sign that you still have a moral compass.  

One thing I still struggle over a lot is that I feel very little shame or guilt, and I can't even bring myself to say that As are bad, despite the fact that I have seen the damage they do.  It leaves me wondering what is wrong with me, and feeling like it isn't fixable if I can't muster up some sort of reticence for my actions.  I don't envy the pain you are feeling now with those feelings, but I do hope that you realize what those feelings say about you:  you are healthy.  You still understand and FEEL the value of love. You still have respect for your H and your M.  You have the ability to empathize with others and really understand the pain you inflicted (or may have inflicted).  You know what this tells me about you, sunny?  You aren't a cheater.  You are a kind, respectful, sensitive person who made a mistake.  You are inherently above that sort of behavior, and that's why remembering those times makes you feel cheap.  So I say take pride in that guilt and shame.  It means you will be able to heal ALL THE WAY.  It means that you didn't let yourself get so emotionally damaged that you have lost the ability to know right from wrong.  I'm really proud of you, and I know the loneliness sucks, but maybe when you start to work through these feelings, you will be able to develop closeness again with the people you love, and you will feel whole again soon. Hugs!