One month NC!! Acceptance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
One month NC!! Acceptance?
3
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:19pm

I am a month NC....N I am going to be brutally honest about how I feel.

Overall, I am so much better. PLEASE other newbies, do not think I do not hurt etc...I am just better than I was...I think that is a process, and I am going thru it, allowing it to happen. I am def less stressed than I was in the relationship. I do not live and die by when I will see him, when he will call, if he will be able to spend the night with me...when he can talk.

I dictate my day. I have my own schedule. I may be having a bad day....but its my bad day. I am not listening to him and his issues...not listening to his crap...not carrying his baggage. Not listening him lie to me. Not listening to stories about his wife and blah, blah blah.....I am sure you all can relate.

Sleeping is still tough.... some how he winds up in my thoughts...all types of scenarios come to mind, old future possible scenarios....past memories. Thoughts of when i did not know I was in a A and something tells me....remember that, that's when you shoulda figured he was married and you shoulda ran then...i do blame myself...because there was signs. I think I may have ignored them...well not actually ignored. she was just the mother of his kids...according to him, so the time spent around her was for the kids...blah blah blah....this is self blame..and not healhty.

Once I confirmed the marriage, I am totally responsible and take all responsibility for all that occurred and for reasons mentioned in other posts, I had to continue to deal with him, but I entertained his stories of leaving her for a little while and we continued to have sex etc....and I knew he was M.....i take responsibility for that. FULLY.

I have not known about him being married, but the min I knew, I could have stopped having sex with him and still handled being P. I say this to note that I have to take some responsiblity and continue to blame him for things...only him etc....I mean not only him...I hurt myself and I hurt his W. I have done this to myself....i was blaming him so much just cause i did not know he was married initially...

The other aspect is that I think I am accepting this is over. He is telling me just as much as I told him to leave me alone. He has not fished, he has moved on. Actions! Actions I have to accept, even tho they hurt. I thought for sure he would have contacted me by now...

I thought for sure he would find a way to see if I was ok, I had surgery the day before NC....nothing. As I have posted...I wanted him to contact me....I wanted some validation after I made NC, needed to know I meant something, after all, I thought he was mine and only mine....I thought he loved me.
I thought we had something real. Nothing. I have not heard and thing. and although i now know that was the best thing he could ever do for me. It was and has been a really big horse pill to swallow. I am accepting my responsibility and I am accepting that is indeed over.

Many friends who saw us together and saw how he interacted with me have said, he will come fishing...its only been a month etc...he will fish...I am not even stressing that anymore, that consumed one week too many of my life. I have a ignore plan if he does....even tho I have so much to say to him...i know that it simply does not matter. It will not change a thing. He is who he is and he is not for me....another hard pill to swallow but enough water is getting it down.

I also know I am going to be ok...and that I deserve better. N i need to save myself and not look to anyone to save me thru this pain, go thru it, heal, and I have to believe that I will come out smarter, wiser, healthier, and stronger than I ever thought. Thus, acceptance is here.

Please continue to support me....I am a venter. I am proud of me tho. I never thought I would get to one month....looking forward to being a tweener.

Yes, I have hard moments, but they are less and less, yes it hurts, I mourning more than just an A, but that was my decision and I have to heal in time. But I made it. I got here. I am not going to break NC. I am not going to have new pain. I just have lick these wounds, let go...come along with me for the ride.

thanks to everyone....




Edited 1/3/2010 11:38 pm ET by siennajaden
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 2:19am

Yea Sienna!


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Amen sista!


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This is a huge step and not an easy one at that!


<< Many friends who saw us together and saw how he interacted with me have said, he will come fishing...its only been a month etc...he will fish...I am not even stressing that anymore, that consumed one week too many of my life.>>


Most of us are guilty of wasting far too much time after the A ended hoping for them to reach out to us. I now thank God everyday that xAP is not in my life in any way shape or form. I cannot stress how much of a disaster that would have been to me and my kids.


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Oh yes the words, all the words we would say. Words are what most of us use in As. Words in text messages, vm, emails. All those words were going to fix and change everything.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 7:26am

((Sienna))


For only being one month out, you are making remarkable strides. Proud of you, girl! Just remember that this is a long journey and taking short cuts will only have you doing it all over again. I likes what you said about having a bad day is YOUR bad day now, and that is a very realistic way to view it. Heck, who doesn't have bad days for whatever reason? For instance, my holidays were wonderful but I was without my truck and still am until next week. That's what happens when it runs into a tree. ;-) I have a loaner, but using something belonging to someone else is very uncomfortable to me. Sound familiar? I think these affairs injure us on many levels and even when they are long over, there is still "stuff" that we have to deal with.


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It's so very hard to turn off those thoughts but it's all part of purging our pain. Even 5 years later, I dreamt of XMM last night. It wasn't a disturbing dream but what was annoying is that he was even in it, KWIM? I'm thinking it's because I haven't had to see him in 5 days and my subconscious was reacting to my having to return to work today. Ugh! So, truthfully, no matter how much time goes by and how far we have removed ourselves from this painful experience, our minds still churn away in our sleep.


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Without a doubt, we are here for you. You have already offered some great support to others and I, for one, love it when a new poster reaches out to help others. That tells me that you have a good heart, that you want to heal, and that you care about people. You *WILL* be a Tweener one day because you are a survivor, honey.


(((Hugs)))

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 2:36pm

Empowerment and Iddy,

Thanks so much for encouraging me every step of the way, btwn some good and tough love from this and some board and hard work I have made it this far...

You guys have been great and it amazes me how both have been insightful and just plain on point along the way for me and many others. I am still trying maintain this confidence...

I cant tell you how many times I have copied and pasted something you or another vet or tweener had written and put it in an email draft...every time i think i am getting a little itch to contact or a good thought of him fleets by, or i may question if he is missed or if i am just thinking of him out of boredom....I read posts, I read them aloud. I revisit what and who he really is...it takes at most of 15 mins on an average day and then i am on to me and my day.

Iddy,

i am enjoying helping others and i do have a big heart and i am very kind and giving. but helping others helps me heal...i pray that God gives me the knowledge to discern who is worthy of such kindness and love in RL....

I am amazed at this board and will be around for a while and no short cuts...i realize the work has to put in, i have to feel it, i have to go thru it and that is ok.

thanks again and hugs to all