One month out....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
One month out....
3
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 11:28pm
So 4 weeks today. While the put in my stomach had eased up a little I still think about him. Will there ever be a day that I don' t?

I've been doing the bargaining thing. Telling myself that it wasn't so bad. He still called me everyday, made plans etc... But I know he was just going through the motions. He admitted it in the end. He was not strong enough to pull the plug. I was though and for that I am proud of myself. I remember our last lunch. Two weeks before I had worn a cute dress and practically mauled me in the car. I was shocked because for weeks he had been telling me to be patient that he couldn't give me the attention I needed because of all the issues he was dealing with. Be patient, hang in there with me blah blah blah. So this last lunch ( didn't know it was the last) I had worn a sexy dress, no bra, no panties. I was dying for him to notice. But he never did. He was just going on and on about work and God, i dont even know what... So I'm sitting there mostly naked having spent 2 hours getting ready for a thirty minute lunch thinking omg, he hasn't even commented. I just knew then that I was done. I was humiliated. I remember thinking this isn't working anymore. I tried again though I said "well I know youre busy I appreciate your making time for me". To which he said., "well if I didn't you would have flipped out." Like "I" was the dramatic one. That was the beginning of the end for me. The next week he wanted to have a hotel day. He called and made me feel like he was doing me a huge favor.... Acted like he was making a doctors appt. The day came and I said no thank you.

This is the stuff I need to remember. I'm getting hung up on our final talks where he professed that he loved me and was so important to him. But he needed to fix things at home so he had nothing for me. He begged me to be patient... This is the stuff I lay awake over. I need to remember how taken for granted I was. How I traded him the best of me for the worst of him.

What was "it" for you? Would love to hear about your moments of clarity. It helps. I bet I have more moment like that than I think .

Chechi
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 12:07am

I can SO identify with the two-hour grooming for a few minutes of attention. And I love the way you describe the dawning clarity as the fog cleared for you. You're right- we must focus on the last part of the A because that is the true situation, not the first part when we were swept away by the possibilities. For me clarity hit as I realised that I was always the one texting him. He was very careful (a fact which I am now very glad about). I hated that my texts to him got more and more obsessive - not like the normal me at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 6:30am

Hi Chechi and BD

Yeah I can sure relate. I am also a month out. Having better days then a few weeks ago thats for sure- but my gosh when does it get easy???

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Wed, 10-13-2010 - 8:24am

Chechi, Chechi, Chechi--

Where's your list, girl?

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...