One step forward

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
One step forward
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 6:33pm
I think I must have started to move on, at least it feels like that right now. And it makes me relieved. Of course I'm not sure if it will last - or if I can say it's easy only because I will meet MM (almost xMM) in 6 days. We still have some sorting out to do.

Short summary first: Had an affair with a colleague for little over 1 year, long distance, live in different countries. Was amazing first half year, then correspondance slowed down on his part while I struggled to understand why. But it was great the few times we met, until his W found out (some weeks ago) and MM decided he couldn't lead a double life any longer.

But we have sent a few emails (of course I've probably sent twice as many as him...Dah!) and talked once on the phone since then. Anyway, I've had a lot of struggles and difficult thoughts after this abrupt ending - which I wasn't prepared for at all. But time is a good healer and I have been breathing easier, not thinking of him all the time anymore (but still a lot of the time...).

We had hardly been in touch for a week when he called me today. Felt good to say "I'm fine" when he asked how I was. We talked about work and stuff, and got into sort of an argument over something work related. I was able to laugh at it while he was acting a bit childish. Felt like I was in charge of myself the whole time, didn't ask him to mail me (like I have many times) and said bye without sadness. He said "I love you!" before we hung up.

Point was that I could hang up and almost immediately focus on something else. Didn't need to text him right after to get more affirmation and didn't feel a sting in my chest. SO GOOD!!

I guess really am moving on, at least I have decided to be in charge of my own life. To enjoy family and friends and life and laughter. I don't need him to be happy or feel good. (But there is that little question still inside me if his presence next week makes me worry less...)

I cross my fingers :-)