One Step Forward... Two Steps Back
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|Tue, 10-16-2012 - 10:45am|
Ah... progress... it's a winding path.
After yesterday's gains, I am feeling blue today. It did not help that we were slapped with an unexpected huge tax bill (we apply for an extension most years, which means our deadline is October 15th). Money is tight after I was laid off in late July, and my new job is a start-up with no salary (yet) until we are profitable.
Still having distant feelings toward my H. I sure hope that eventually resolves itself. Right now I am just silently tolerating his touch.
We head to counseling tomorrow. I sent my therapist an email ahead of time documenting a recent blow-out anger-laden argument we had. As I mentioned previously, my H apparently has anxiety coupled with insecurity (he was previously thought to have Narcississtic Personality Disorder, but my therapist *thinks* it's probably anxiety/insecurity - she'll know more when she meets with us). My H mostly witholds unconditional love and affection and tries to contain me "in a box" so that other men dare not come near.
I feel stifled most of the time when I am with him - almost invisible, like I am just arm candy to make him look good/prop him up.
Last Friday night, we joined friends for dinner and he completely (and loudly) *dominated* the conversation. The few times I was able to get a word in, he glared at me for interrupting him. This happens often. He is just not considerate of my feelings, and I just KNOW this is one of the biggest reasons why I wanted my A to happen - to feel adored and appreciated; to be told how beautiful I am and how wonderful our most intimate moments were.
Yesterday, I posted the poem, "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk" by Portia Nelson. That poem really resonates with me, as I am quite possibly facing a second divorce. Hard to say at this juncture.
We'll see what our counseling will yield tomorrow.