One Step Forward... Two Steps Back

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
One Step Forward... Two Steps Back
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 10:45am

Ah... progress... it's a winding path.

After yesterday's gains, I am feeling blue today.  It did not help that we were slapped with an unexpected huge tax bill (we apply for an extension most years, which means our deadline is October 15th).  Money is tight after I was laid off in late July, and my new job is a start-up with no salary (yet) until we are profitable.

Still having distant feelings toward my H.  I sure hope that eventually resolves itself.  Right now I am just silently tolerating his touch.

We head to counseling tomorrow.  I sent my therapist an email ahead of time documenting a recent blow-out anger-laden argument we had.  As I mentioned previously, my H apparently has anxiety coupled with insecurity (he was previously thought to have Narcississtic Personality Disorder, but my therapist *thinks* it's probably anxiety/insecurity - she'll know more when she meets with us).  My H mostly witholds unconditional love and affection and tries to contain me "in a box" so that other men dare not come near.

I feel stifled most of the time when I am with him - almost invisible, like I am just arm candy to make him look good/prop him up.

Last Friday night, we joined friends for dinner and he completely (and loudly) *dominated* the conversation.  The few times I was able to get a word in, he glared at me for interrupting him.  This happens often.  He is just not considerate of my feelings, and I just KNOW this is one of the biggest reasons why I wanted my A to happen - to feel adored and appreciated; to be told how beautiful I am and how wonderful our most intimate moments were.

Yesterday, I posted the poem, "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk" by Portia Nelson.  That poem really resonates with me, as I am quite possibly facing a second divorce.  Hard to say at this juncture.

We'll see what our counseling will yield tomorrow.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 11:45am

Morning, Pac

I'm sorry you are feeling blue today and for your financial hardship.  Sending a huge (((HUG))) your way.  I know it's easy to start to fall back into the fantasy when things seem overwhelming, but I feel somehow that you know enough not to even to regards to reaching out.  And even if you didn't get that hefty bill, the ending days are filled with ups and downs.

I'm glad your therapy is scheduled for tomorrow.  Get a few things out on the table...get a little relief from it being all bottled up inside.

You said "....when she meets us" you are saying your H has agreed to go to the session?  

I'm only saying this because you've mentioned it a couple of times...but there's nothing stigma a second divorce.   

another ((hug)) for good measure


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Tue, 10-16-2012 - 2:56pm

Hi, Clarity.  

Yes, my husband finally agreed to join me for our counseling session tomorrow (my therapist kept urging me to do so - I asked him three times... VERY CAREFULLY).  It was when we went out for dinner Sunday evening and I broached the subject again.  I think he feels this will eventually lead to divorce, and made a reference to that effect.

It's sad when a marriage has to come to this point.  My first marriage ended under similar circumstances.  I was the one going to counseling.  1st H joined me just once for counseling.  Therapist was not very good at all; kept giving me these paper quizzes to take and was analyzing *ME*, while my wallet was open.  It was strange and not effective at all.

New therapist is top-notch and so far, I just LOVE her (it helps to live in a major metro area, where there is a preponderance of good, qualified practitioners).  She has over 40 years as a psychotherapist.  Already I've learned from her that I have difficulties verbalizing just what I want/need; for years, I've just kind of gone along with the program (a pattern of behavior originating from being second youngest among five children in my family).  I guess I was invisible too, back then.  No time for self-actualization.  We were all just surviving in our large family.

My therapist specializes in Transpersonal Psychology, which I understand to be "an area of psychology and spirituality, exploring optimal mental health, self-realization, and development toward full human maturity."  Right up my alley!

So, while tomorrow may likely be stressful, it's a step we/I have to take.

Will keep you posted!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Wed, 10-17-2012 - 5:11pm

My H and I went to therapy for the first time together today.  He was surprised to find out that this was not my first time seeing her.  He was initially downright indignant.  (HELLO - GET A CLUE!)

It actually went well.  She spent about 3/4ths of our session talking privately to him, to enable a "safe zone" for him to tell his side of things.  I was fine with it.

So, we have some things to work on, particularly in the area of communication.  She asked us to use the formula, "When you "X" I feel.... "Y"; I want you to "Z".  In my case it was "When you talk to me sometimes, I feel sad.  I would like you to speak to me kindly."

It actually worked in the car ride back - we even laughed about it, because it seems so contrived.

Well see... 

Hopefully my sharing some of this will be helpful to others who are facing the breakdown of their own marriage.