The one thing that still bothers me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The one thing that still bothers me
6
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:03pm
is.....

All that I did for ex-MM wasn't enough for him to love me. Wasn't enough for him to "want" to keep his promise. I thought I could love him, into loving me the way I wanted/deserved to be loved. I did everything I could possibly do.

But, I have come to realize that I could have turned myself into a gold statue and that still would not have been enough.......because he had no intentions of loving me or having a life with me. You know it really is his loss.......because I don't think he will EVER!!! find someone to love him more than I did, I would have moved heaven and earth for him. But, it will be easy for me to find someone to love me more than he did.

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 3:09pm
Secret-

You will find someone better for you (hopefully someone who happens not to be married). If someone really loves you, you will not have to work at all to get them to love you. If you are working hard at it, it isn't worth it. They either love you as you are or they don't, and if they don't, then good riddance! Also, sometimes getting involved with a married person is troublesone because they may already love their spouse and then they don't want to admit to themselves (let alone you) if they do fall in love with you. (I am a MW who is afraid I may fall in love with my single OM, which is part of the reason I am now pulling away from the relationship -- it's just too confusing! Maybe your MM did the same thing....if so, let him go - he may never be ready to let himself love you).

-JAG
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 5:07pm
Secret,

Oh, boy, do I understand where you're coming from and feel the same way! But when I read your post, it made me remember the last (and best, I think) love letter I ever wrote to exMM. He had asked me why him? Why would I want to love him so much; he felt he didn't deserve it. So I wrote him a letter to explain.

I said "of course you don't deserve it; why should you expect to?" and went on to explain that love is not EARNED. It is GIVEN. It is the grace of God. As with any gift, it is no reflection on the recipient, but is merely a reflection of the giver. I listed lots of things about him: wonderful things; quirky things; annoying things. And with each one, I said, "It's not because of x, y, or z that I love you. Rather, it's because I love you that x, y, and z are endearing to me."

I think this is really true about love. The down-side is your situation and mine. We invested our entire being, every facet of our soul, in loving exMM/OM and we are devastated that it would not be returned. In effect, we feel we DESERVED his love; that we EARNED it.

But love has to be given. No matter how deserving; no matter how much you may have earned. Love has to be given. And HE cannot give it. This is not a failing of yours or mine. It is a failing of his.

Sorry you're going through this. I am, too. Hope these thoughts help a little.

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 5:19pm
ITA....one of the best feeling in the world to me is to have some give you love. The feeling of being loved, being shown that someone loves you. That's why I love my dog and cat so much. They give me/show me unconditional love. When I'm sick, my cat won't leave the bed. I know that's weird to some people, but to feel loved is a wonderful feeling.

That's why it is so hard for me to believe that you could not love someone in return. It really is his loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:59pm
It is his loss and you will realize that. How long did you guys see each other? I know it takes time to get over but it will happen and you will have fond memories but will end up being happier because someone can devote themselves to you 100%.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 9:08pm
Grace - what a wonderful post and insightful perspective! I'm printing this off to read as often as need be!

I too thought I could EARN his love - that he'd see how much I was loving him and only want to return that love in huge strides.

I can identify with Secret SO much. The feeling of being loved is uncomparable... hence why I love those in my life as much as I can... cause I KNOW how that feels and I want them to feel it! I loved MM more than I've ever loved - it sounds so horrible to say that and to now know it was "wasted"? on him... but... it was the most UNSELFISH, UNCONDITIONAL love I've offered another human (my dog gets the best love ofcourse! ;) ) I would drive 2 hours to show up where he was staying for the night while traveling on business (obviously he wouldn't go TOO far so that we could have a night together) but I'd get there at midnight to have all of 6 or 7 hours with him! I'd cancel plans with family to spend an hour with him when he had time for me. I put my OWN needs, wants and desires below his...

I know we all in affairs feel we do these things... but... I'm SINGLE... I COULD have someone that's ALL mine and who would give back as much give and take as much as I take! But I choose him!??!

I'm SO afraid one day he's gonna realize it and because I fear my heart will never let him go - he'll come back around and I won't be able to resist... then what? What if I'm married!? Will I ALWAYS want him!?

Sorry to ramble on your post Secret - you just got me thinking! :) LOL

FYI - I tell my dog - who I've slept next to for 11 years (longer than alot of marriages last) that she is my piece of God here on earth... I truly believe the way she loves me is a sample of the way my God must love me! It's SO unconditional! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 1:16pm
It's like you are telling my story. I too am single, and the things I did for ex-MM. There was not limit to what I wouldn't do for him. I too canceled out on family gatherings just to spend time with him. The one thing I did that really tears my heart out is, I would leave my dd at home, kicking, screaming, crying not to leave her just to spend time with ex-MM. When it came time for him to leave his dd.......he wouldn't do it.

I know my life is better without him. It is truly his loss.