One of those moments..
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One of those moments..
| Sat, 05-07-2005 - 4:27pm |
I've done so well..but today I was alone driving, and had one of those moments.. where I remember for a fleeting second, what it was like when things were GOOD with the exMM--and I don't even mean anything major..I mean something small like having him call me to say hello and hear my voice..the thing is- I am married to someone I love very much..and he shows me plenty of affection and attention..so it isn't lack of that. But I guess having had contact with exMM for as long as I did, its hard to just completely block it out..though I do try. I don't even want the EMA back in my life..I just sometimes have that moment of sadness that someone I had so much contact with-is erased from my life. I then go through reminding myself of all the NOT so good times as well..and realize that the big picture isn't good (in terms of him)..and that doesn't cheer me up much either. Then I end up feeling irritated with myself for letting him into my head/and heart for as long as I did.. No matter how strong we are--it sure isn't simple..this forging ahead and onward..

lea,
it is ok to remember, i too have all those moments and sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes it makes me sad and lonely, i still long for OW all the time but i keep telling my heart that it is ok , i miss her
actually i sent her an email for mothers day, she has a daughter, i miss both of them actually, it was a fantasy in my mind that they can become my family , since i never had one, but i guess it is not meant to be, OW always told me that we are in the wrong time when we met, anyways u know what i mean
happy mothers day to u, i hope u have a fun day tomorrow, u deserve all the attention and recognition from you family and especially your husband who i am sure adores u
take care,
max
Life is not always easy and sometimes the past is bittersweet. There are so many different roads to chose from and each road has different destinations, with spectacular views along the way. Just for a moment you remembered the great view from the other road. I don't think it is wrong to be thankful that you got to see it, after all you paid dearly for it. I am thankful that I got to glimpse that view, and even more thankful that when I got back to the right road it was still intact.
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Lea,
The end of an A is so unique. Since it's not a normal relationship it can't "run it's course" which results in dragging on the feelings even after it's over. When I read the "stages of grief" and a way to speed them up was to make a list of the bad times and read them 3x per day - I did just that (which is really what you did today... thought of the bad times). That's the only way that I feel better.
I also remember back to the beginning years when xMM used to call and just say "I just wanted to hear your voice." Then I have to promptly remember how it REALLY is and that whips me back.
You may have spent 4.5 years but at least you can say it's no more - you learned the lesson and have SOLVED the problem. Someone else said (on this board) that there is a certain joy in being able to say "I feel badly for what I've done and so I've stopped." I would try to not focus on the 4.5 years you said you gave to this... I would focus on the fact that you fixed it and didn't allow more time to go by.
I have not waivered from my decision to end it (I just know too much about A's now) but I will say that xMM has been so nice to me lately that it's making it hard for me to *not* think of the better times more frequently. We only discuss work and nothing more (H could overhear any of the conversations and all would be okay for his ears).
Today I rec'd a work document from xMM at my house (we rarely send documents to each other's houses so this stood out). I knew what it was (work) but I just stood at the kitchen counter staring at it while my H was cooking and my kids were running all over the place. I just kept staring at how he'd written my name... that he'd selected my formal first name instead, and that he'd re-traced the letters some. I kept thinking of his hands that touched the pen that touched the envelope. I looked at his return address and kept thinking about him there with his W. I ended up having to leave the room and cry in the bathroom.
Realizing that it won't be anymore is both hard and freeing. I often think about how nice it will be to be able to not pull back when H puts his arm around me. For 2/3rds of my M this has been going on... my H has probably lost track of what I'm really like. Feel good that you've "given" your whole self back to your H.
You are very strong and have done a wonderful job of protecting yourself and your M. I know this isn't about slipping back - and that you're just saying you realize these waves of "good feelings" will come occasionally and they stink.
WIP
Hi Lea,
Its hard for me to give any advice seeing as I haven't begun NC with my MM. But I can tell you of a similar situation...
My xH. I was bought up to respect the vows of M, respect your H etc. When I left him it was horrendous. I had people asking me how I could throw away those years with him and didn't commitment mean anything to me? (Btw it was a very emotionally abusive M). I left, relocated and tried to get him out of my mind even though I had tried with all my heart and soul to make it work. When one day I realised I was happy again I thought it was all over, but then again just to throw me I would have a bad day and think of the things that were good in the M, how maybe it wasn't so bad after all - then would come the bad things into my head. I thought I would never escape it.
I know that its a cliche but time does heal all. Bad days are bound to happen every now and then even if you've got the best M! All I would suggest is that you be kind to yourself on these days and don't beat yourself up about having them.
Take care - Liz (((((HUGS)))))
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me too Lea. Hard for my single heart as well. Ive had too much of that in my life.
:::hugs::::: feelin' it this morning.
Lizzie
It will just take time..i'm so glad you're all here to turn to, when these thoughts plague me..so much nicer to have a place to "go", instead of breaking down to write to exMM again!!
Thanks for the wonderfully kind words. hugs to you all.