One tough 1, need 2 vent and ur support
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| Sat, 04-24-2010 - 4:52pm |
hello all,
That fishing attempt from exAP has me really wanting to contact him. Intitate contact. I wont and that is why I am here instead. I have ignored him for months. I have stayed the course and have had some light bulbs go off so many times, I am thankful and proud of my accomplishments. I been broken for some time. Despite the pain of the A, I have been forced to face some deep issues. Facing these will ensure my mental health for the rest of my life. With that said, I am hurting and coming to the board for support. I am tough but even the strongest of us need some support, even us tweeners, and I have seen the vets ask for support help and the like from time to time. That is what makes this board ROCK (Dee's words).
I been around here and know that so much does not matter. I know that telling Exap what a sick sadistic and sociopath he is. I want to say a lot to him that I never had the opportunity to. I know that my words would likely have no effect on him. I realize this. Yet today, I want to give him a calm tongue lashing....yes I can do that, I do it all the time at work. I can be calm and effective with words.... especially if I have prepared my oral argument. I feel like I have been preparing to say things to this man about our specific situation for months.
It is an ugly day here, perhaps too much time on my hands, my big plans for the weekend fell thru, And so his last fishing attempt is getting to me. He mentioned the P and that really got to me, I dismissed it for a day or two, but today it is on my mind, front and center. I guess it just hurts. The thought of him bringing that to my attention, let alone saying it. Let alone how he treated me. I do not want revenge. I know there is no closure. I just want him to know the effect he has had on me and I am sure a dozen other women. I know it may never change a thing in his mind. NO ONE has ever held him accountable for his behavior. NO ONE. His reckless disregard for the pain he has inflicted. I guess I am not the person to hold him accountable for his actions. I know that. But it is hard to accept.
I am not a sore loser, I am not bitter cuz he got a free pass. I am just hurting. I am literally just having a really tempting day. A day when I want to just let him have it all. I could speak it all in 10 mins, I have said it all to myself. actually had conversations with him in the car when I am driving alone.
I do not ask questions, as I know there is no answer he could give to explain why he treated me so badly in the end. How when he left and never looked back. Never once checked on me and then it was not over, surgery after surgery. BILLs a solo practitioner can not afford. I have paid the price in pain and actual dollars for my transgressions....and yep, all he did was walk away and go back to RL. I am responsible for everything after I knew he was married. But by then it was too late, I was already in over my head. I was P and thought I was a RR and I was so in Love....to look back now, I am so disgusted with my behavior. My shame.
I am going to try to get busy. Shake this fishing attempt off...but it is tough. I liked it so much better when he really left me all alone, the fact he doesnt respect my silence tells me he learned nothing from us. The P, nothing. That he is still the same. While I will never be.....
Newbies, please do not be discouraged by my post. I have had so many good days...Overall, I am so much better. I actually smile, laugh, go out with friends, can watch a romantic movie, see a couple kiss or embrace and not even think of exAP, This is my bump, I am just taking a little longer than normal to get over it.
Oh the devastation of A's....If people only knew the massive effects for just a few minutes of stolen pleasure...SO NOT WORTH IT.
My circumstances a somewhat unusual, yet not exceptional. If that makes sense, I never make excuses and never will. Right now I just need some cyber hugs and help....thanks for listening ladies. As always, I am thankful.
Luvin

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I know you said you don't want revenge but you know by not talking to him, by ignoring him... you're getting to him. ;) Think how strong you are and how far you have come. He is dying inside not knowing what it is that's going thru your mind right now. He wants a reaction. He wants to see if he still has it. Pathetic really.
I'm sorry he hurt you and by mentioning the P. You know words do sting and leaves a scar. no matter how hard we try to forget what they say, we sometimes fall back and rethink. He's a selfish man.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No New Hurts
Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.
Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Luvin,
I can understand how one fishing attempt too many can be the final straw, but have you taken all the steps necessary so he no longer has a pond to fish in? Did you close that email account? Have you changed your phone numbers? Heck, I used to do this all of the time years ago when I couldn't ditch an old boyfriend. It's easy to make them go away, my dear. You close all doors and start over, giving your contact info ONLY to those who deserve to have it. You email your clients/family with your new phone number and email addy and go from there.
You are in the anger stage right now, which is duly noted, but continuing to let this moron rent space in your head is seriously...such a waste of space, KWIM? You cannot change a person like this so there is no use letting those tapes play in your head as to what you would of , could of, or should of said. It would all fall upon deaf ears anyway. Men like this are totally clueless as to the damage they have done to others. All he is thinking about is himself. If he wasn't such a selfish moron, he would leave you alone, but you see, that's no fun. He enjoys antagonizing you, so you have to pull the communication plugs out of the wall. ALL OF THEM.
It's dreary here today too, I've had a very stressful week with family and work, and right now I would just love to hop a plane to anywhere...but I know this is all part of life. Tomorrow is another day but right now try to go do something nice for yourself; fix a tasty meal, watch a funny movie with your kids, bake cookies...whatever. Just try to empty your spinning head of XMM thoughts because this is not healthy for you.
I hope you at least feel a little bit better now that you vented. WE hear you, honey. Just keep the faith that this *will* get easier but you have to do the work to make it happen.
(((Hugs)))
~Iddy~
I don't really feel qualified to reply to your post with any advice. Especially hearing the words of wisdom and strength and experiance posted already! I have only been 54 days NC and honestly feel as though I have taken several steps backward this week. I feel your pain so much and that temptation to say what I am feeling to XAP is so strong this week...it is wreaking havoc on my head! I hope knowing that you are not alone and that everyone on this amazing board is here
Luvin,
Big ole hugs and so sorry you are still hurting.
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If you contacted him and gave him a piece of your mind, all he would get out of it is the pleasure of knowing he got to you with his fishing attempts and it would encourage him to continue to find ways to contact you.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
His selfishness is simply beyond words.
I'll make it really short: he's broken human being - but it's not your job to fix him, so just let it all go.
XOXO
Gone
Iddy,
I closed the account, I changed my number. I shut all ways for him to get to me, this fishing attempt is from days ago, just kinda hit me hard today. The pond is as dry as it gets. And it was not as difficult or as much of an inconvenience as I thought. I had a great reason for clients and family and friends and it has been a rather smooth transition thus far.
I am helping my daughter get ready for her first party...I am enjoying doing her hair and picking out her outfit. I am so proud to see her growing up to be a fine young lady. You were on point when you said to do something with the kids. He really left my head and all I am doing now is hoping I have set a fine example for her and that she never experiences anything like I have. I am thinking she is where I have never failed and I am going to apply that same energy into forgiving this man and taking his hold off of me. E-1, you are spot on. I know I have not forgiven him, I am going to do so. It just has felt so much safer to hold on to that anger towards him. It feels like if I let it go that eh may creep back into my life. I am realizing that he is in my life anyway because I have allowed him to still have a hold on me.
You are also spot on about me, I have yet to forgive me. While I do not regret my decision, I hate that I was in the position to have to make it. I feel like I let my guard down and the worst of predators got to me. I have to forgive me for all of it. From the part when I did not know and the worst part when I did know.
I have to take a kid to a party and boy I wish I could post a pic of her. She looks so beautiful. Its amazing how these kids have pulled me thru, they do not even know it. They teach us more than we teach them.
I will be back to post more later. Thanks ladies. I swallowed the pill with a big glass of water and got over my attempting to initiating contact and I feel so much more powerful that he will never get to me again. He will lose all his power over me. Forgiveness...this will remain in my thoughts.
Luvin
Thanks for the support and encouragement.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin'- So happy to hear that you didn't reach out and are remaining strong. I've been tempted more times than I can count to reach out to xap. He has never fished, nor do I think he ever will. It was made clear when I ended it that it was in fact over, forever, and he's actually a respectful guy despite our transgressions. Anyway, I digress. It takes great courage and strength to do what is right for you. I am sorry you were hurting. I am sorry he is so selfish. Your silence speaks volumes and hopefully soon he will get the message.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I was so happy to read this post, Luvin. You did it, girl. You cut those last dangling threads that weren't holding anything together anyway, and I am so proud of you. No more looking over your shoulders because now there is no more reason to. Keep your eyes on the prize, which is YOU,
~Iddy~