The one who cares the least....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
The one who cares the least....
4
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:59pm
When I was a freshman in college, I remember a professor saying, "The one who cares the least rules the relationship." That statement has stayed in my mind over the intervening years and has been proven to me during my affair, both in my interactions with MM and his interactions with his wife.

When we were just friends, my MM used to tell me that he didn't have much of a relationship with his wife. After we became lovers, he would tell me that he didn't want to be the one to end it but hoped that she would just tell him that she wanted a divorce. I would tell him that he was saying that because he felt like he was in the "position of power" but would feel differently if she were to make that decision. Sure enough, when she asked him to move out, he freaked out and really started re-thinking some things. We still continued our affair for the next 9 months, but it was at that point that our relationship started developing issues....other than the obvious fact that he was married.

I've also noticed that over the last 9 months of our affair, one of us would get strong enough decide the relationship needed to end. The other one would try to convince and conjole the strong one into continuing. At some point, the other one of us would begin to try to accept that the relationship was over. Invariably the "strong" one would then have second thoughts and would smooth things over so the relationship could continue. The interesting thing is that I don't think that either of us used it as manipulation...I know I was never emotionally uninvolved enough for it to be manipulation. It was more of a way of trying to survive a tough situation.

Has any one else noticed this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:07pm
I know that my xMM never thought I would be the one to end it. He never thougth in a million years that I would be strong enough to say the words "it's over". That's why he laughed in my face. He thinks it's a joke. He thinks I'll call, and he can treat me like dirt, and I'll go back. Oh, don't get me wrong I most difinately have thought about calling him. I keep trying to tell myself, this is not the life for me, that I want more from life, than to be hanging on to some man, that is already spoken for. I want someone that will trust me with his inner most intimate thoughts. Not someone that thinks I don't understand, thus lies to me. I keep telling myself I deserve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:18pm
First, I don't think my OMM thought it was going to end. But that being said, he's never been the "weaker" person in a romantic relationship before. He tells me he was very arrogant with women (being a really, really hot looking guy) and he refused to ever get emotionally involved. I'm afraid that detachment even extended to his wife. I believe him when he tells me that the 2 years we spent together in this A were the most intimate of his life. I do believe he was happiest he's ever been since he met me. And that doesn't make it any easier to leave him. I feel so guilty.

Yes, I do agree with your professor's statement. Thanks for sharing it.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:40pm
I believe a lot of people think that. But I think people who think that way will never truly be in love. That way of thinking is a game. Yeah it works...it's the old "rules girl" thinking. I can catch a hundred men pretending to be unatainable. But in the end people who believe this way ultimately loose. They will never know what it is to love deeply!

JMO

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:57pm
Hopefully this issue would never come into play in a committed relationship. Even in my marriage (which ended in divorce), I don't remember ever experiencing this. I do agree with you that it is a game for some people, but I also think that for others it's a way of "surviving" while you're trying to decide what to do with a relationship.