One year ago exactly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
One year ago exactly...
3
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 1:17pm
I was in the lowest of lows, having had an A with a man I thought I loved. Now, one year later, and seeing some familiar faces out there, I just wanted to post an update and get some advice from some of my sage online friends! :-)

For those of you who don't know me... I was in the A for a about a yr before I ended it and told my H about the OM. (My purpose in doing so was to end the A and save my M.)After the A was over, and after 11mos of NC, I have gained some perspective about my M, the OM, and my DH that I want to share. First, the A was never specifically about my DH or my M... it was about a whole in my heart and some missing pieces in my life that the A served to fill superficially. Second, I was extremely fond of the OM but I am not convinced I loved him anymore... I loved him as a person, but he was more an infatuation than a romantic love. What I have learned about the most through all this is about my H. I'll start with the painstakingly obvious: I hurt him tremendously. I doubt he would admit it, but he is still hurting even today. I have also learned another obvious... any further A's in our M means ending it... I have rebuilt some trust and I will not, and cannot, break his trust ever again. The next thing I'm about to say will put some of you on mush alert! My H is the great love of my lifetime, the only one I want to grow old with. I admire his strength and love for me and dedication to our family.

I do, however, have some concerns about my DH and am looking for some advice...

After the A, I was on this board A LOT!! I loved posting here, it was like 24 Hr therapy!! I also was going for weekly visits to a licensed counselor and even had a few marriage counseling sessions with our pastor. The latter form of therapy was the only one that involved my DH and that is my concern. I know he had to find his own way to deal with it, I respect that. I just worry that he didn't really deal with it... that maybe he just blocked it out from his mind and hasn't emotionally healed as much at all? I would like to directly ask him, but it is a touchy subject to approach. What can I do to find out his side of things without hurting him, or should I at all? Should I just give it more time? NRE, I would especially like your input, from the male point-of-view, but encourage anyone who has thoughts on this to reply... (((HUGS))) to all ~Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 4:20pm

Hi Mel,


Glad to hear things are going well for you and that you're still with the love of your life.


Many times I've posted that BS's may forgive, however, they won't EVER forget that you had an affair. A year later is perhaps a good time to approach DH and have a sit-down discussion as to current state of the marriage type talk. After all, it's a year later and you'd be able to look back over the year and review the accomplishments and failures and make goals for the two of you for the coming year. One topic of discussion could be started with a direct question to DH as to how he's feeling about the progress the two of you have made this year to keep the communication within your marriage flowing and the two of you in touch with one another.


I think that this type of a sit-down gives both of you an opportunity to voice concerns that each of you have with yourselves and the other. There is no such thing as a "perfect marriage". There is, however, a successful marriage that recognizes that there are ups and downs and that each partner needs to make it a priority to be in synch with their partner. At least, that's what I've found to work for me in my second marriage with xOM. We have our moments, particularly in tax season, where we don't see eye to eye on the world at large. The ups and downs of our interactions at times are a throw-back to our former marriages....experiences which we both vowed never to repeat in this marriage. Yet, without vigilance, those old behavior patterns creep back in when least expected. Taking a few minutes or hours to reflect on why those old ghosts got through the door gives me an opportunity to get to the bottom

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:24pm
let a sleeping dog sleep.....in other words if it ain't broke don't fix it. If things are going well in your marriage now then why do u think your husband has not dealt with it? Maybe he has in his own way. We all mourn and deal with hurtful situations differently.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 3:20pm

Mel, I agree with NRE. Set up a time to discuss it with DH. It's been two years since my affair's been over and Sean and I still discuss us regarding it from time to time. No, it isn't in order to hurt one another or to point fingers. It is to establish where we are now. We are still working on imrpoving our relationship and estabishing where we are at the moment about our past has nothing to do with the affair but with how we as a couple are letting it effect us now.


~Chris~