online counseling??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
online counseling??
6
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 9:31am

Just curious if anyone has tried online or e-counseling?  If so, which site?

I'm seriously considering it for a couple of reasons.  Mainly I'm much better communicating my feelings in writing.  If you ask me how I feel, I won't be able to verbalize it. But give me 30 mins and a method to write it down and I'll be able to.  In addition, it seems very convenient.  One of the sites I was looking at has the option of email or phone or both.  With the email, you respond when its convenient for you...which I'm thinking would be good during those "darker" times when I need it the most.

Thanks

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 11:21am

I don't trust any on-line anything. 

One on one, face to face, imo, provides more insight to a therapist. How you initially respond to a question/idea/theory..facial expression, having difficulty spitting it out, squirming in your seat..I can't help but believe these signs help a therapist recognize that they need to direct and push in a particular direction. Maybe once you have established yourself with a therapist in their office, after they've gotten to know you, occasionally doing a session on-line via email or on the phone with that therapist could work for convenience sake.  

But really, you found the time to be involved in your affair...there seemed to be nothing inconvenient about that. Can't you use the time that has been freed up to actually go and sit with a therapist?

And I don't think therapy has all that much effect if you are turning to it only during the dark times. Hopefully, therapy over the course of time helps you work through issues so there are no more...or at least less...periods of dark time.

This is just my opinion.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 1:16pm

I wasn't aware that you could get counseling on line.......and I agree with Clarity.  What you say is important, but how you say it, whether you hesitate, your expressions, eye contact, etc. are just as important as the words.  Also, when you're asked a question, face to face, you answer it.  On line?  You hesitate, you re-write, you think it over as to HOW to answer it.  You're not getting the insight that you would get face-to-face.  Personally, I don't believe in counseling.  I went to a few sessions once, not for myself, but because I had a teen-aged son who was driving me crazy,and I called a counseling service for HIM!  I had my doubts about whether or not he would go, and that's the advice I was looking for......how to get HIM there.  The counselor understood my problem, and he suggested I come in to talk to him about how I could better deal with my son.  Sounded good to me, so I went to a few sessions.  Before long, this guy was trying to lead me to MY childhood, and what traumas I might have had?  He also gave me a written test that I could take at home, and it consisted of 2 or 3 hundred questions......and it seemed like half of them were the same question, worded in different ways:  Have I ever considered or tried suicide?  Another one would be:  When you felt sad, did you want to die?  I finished it, and when he "graded" it he told me I was the most "normal" person he'd ever counseled.  I reminded him that I wasn't there for counseling.....I was there to help my son.  And then I quit going.  I learned early in my life that when there is a problem, you figure out how to solve it, or how to live with it.  When bad things happen, you accept them and move on.  You also learn from your mistakes.  If you don't learn from them, you will repeat them again and again.  When a marriage or a relationship ends, you don't mourn it for months or years.......you dissect that relationship, and you figure out why it went wrong, what part you had in it, if you picked the wrong partner, if you allowed him to abuse you mentally or physically, hoping it would be the last time, but it continued over and over.....then you know to avoid that kind of person, you learn to see the red flags, you learn to love yourself more, and not look for love from someone else so desperately. Self esteem is a big part of the equation in a relationship.  Having a partner doesn't make you "worthy" of love.  Being "worthy" of love first is how you find a good partner.  By the way, the son that was giving me problems........it took many years, but eventually we figured it out.......he was dyslexic, which hadn't even been "discovered" yet.  He couldn't read!  But, he was very intelligent, and because he couldn't read the assignments, he got poor grades.  His personality was that he would rather be considered "bad" than be considered "stupid" which is what he thought he must be if he couldn't read.  Once he figured that out, he was a changed man!  And unfortunately, he figured it out because he had two daughters that were diagnosed as dyslexic, he had to go to school to meet with counselors for the girls, and the light bulb went on! 

The bottom line is that you should be your own counselor!  You know what your problems are.  You know what happened in your childhood.  Yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 1:16pm

I wasn't aware that you could get counseling on line.......and I agree with Clarity.  What you say is important, but how you say it, whether you hesitate, your expressions, eye contact, etc. are just as important as the words.  Also, when you're asked a question, face to face, you answer it.  On line?  You hesitate, you re-write, you think it over as to HOW to answer it.  You're not getting the insight that you would get face-to-face.  Personally, I don't believe in counseling.  I went to a few sessions once, not for myself, but because I had a teen-aged son who was driving me crazy,and I called a counseling service for HIM!  I had my doubts about whether or not he would go, and that's the advice I was looking for......how to get HIM there.  The counselor understood my problem, and he suggested I come in to talk to him about how I could better deal with my son.  Sounded good to me, so I went to a few sessions.  Before long, this guy was trying to lead me to MY childhood, and what traumas I might have had?  He also gave me a written test that I could take at home, and it consisted of 2 or 3 hundred questions......and it seemed like half of them were the same question, worded in different ways:  Have I ever considered or tried suicide?  Another one would be:  When you felt sad, did you want to die?  I finished it, and when he "graded" it he told me I was the most "normal" person he'd ever counseled.  I reminded him that I wasn't there for counseling.....I was there to help my son.  And then I quit going.  I learned early in my life that when there is a problem, you figure out how to solve it, or how to live with it.  When bad things happen, you accept them and move on.  You also learn from your mistakes.  If you don't learn from them, you will repeat them again and again.  When a marriage or a relationship ends, you don't mourn it for months or years.......you dissect that relationship, and you figure out why it went wrong, what part you had in it, if you picked the wrong partner, if you allowed him to abuse you mentally or physically, hoping it would be the last time, but it continued over and over.....then you know to avoid that kind of person, you learn to see the red flags, you learn to love yourself more, and not look for love from someone else so desperately. Self esteem is a big part of the equation in a relationship.  Having a partner doesn't make you "worthy" of love.  Being "worthy" of love first is how you find a good partner.  By the way, the son that was giving me problems........it took many years, but eventually we figured it out.......he was dyslexic, which hadn't even been "discovered" yet.  He couldn't read!  But, he was very intelligent, and because he couldn't read the assignments, he got poor grades.  His personality was that he would rather be considered "bad" than be considered "stupid" which is what he thought he must be if he couldn't read.  Once he figured that out, he was a changed man!  And unfortunately, he figured it out because he had two daughters that were diagnosed as dyslexic, he had to go to school to meet with counselors for the girls, and the light bulb went on! 

The bottom line is that you should be your own counselor!  You know what your problems are.  You know what happened in your childhood.  Yo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 1:16pm

I wasn't aware that you could get counseling on line.......and I agree with Clarity.  What you say is important, but how you say it, whether you hesitate, your expressions, eye contact, etc. are just as important as the words.  Also, when you're asked a question, face to face, you answer it.  On line?  You hesitate, you re-write, you think it over as to HOW to answer it.  You're not getting the insight that you would get face-to-face.  Personally, I don't believe in counseling.  I went to a few sessions once, not for myself, but because I had a teen-aged son who was driving me crazy,and I called a counseling service for HIM!  I had my doubts about whether or not he would go, and that's the advice I was looking for......how to get HIM there.  The counselor understood my problem, and he suggested I come in to talk to him about how I could better deal with my son.  Sounded good to me, so I went to a few sessions.  Before long, this guy was trying to lead me to MY childhood, and what traumas I might have had?  He also gave me a written test that I could take at home, and it consisted of 2 or 3 hundred questions......and it seemed like half of them were the same question, worded in different ways:  Have I ever considered or tried suicide?  Another one would be:  When you felt sad, did you want to die?  I finished it, and when he "graded" it he told me I was the most "normal" person he'd ever counseled.  I reminded him that I wasn't there for counseling.....I was there to help my son.  And then I quit going.  I learned early in my life that when there is a problem, you figure out how to solve it, or how to live with it.  When bad things happen, you accept them and move on.  You also learn from your mistakes.  If you don't learn from them, you will repeat them again and again.  When a marriage or a relationship ends, you don't mourn it for months or years.......you dissect that relationship, and you figure out why it went wrong, what part you had in it, if you picked the wrong partner, if you allowed him to abuse you mentally or physically, hoping it would be the last time, but it continued over and over.....then you know to avoid that kind of person, you learn to see the red flags, you learn to love yourself more, and not look for love from someone else so desperately. Self esteem is a big part of the equation in a relationship.  Having a partner doesn't make you "worthy" of love.  Being "worthy" of love first is how you find a good partner.  By the way, the son that was giving me problems........it took many years, but eventually we figured it out.......he was dyslexic, which hadn't even been "discovered" yet.  He couldn't read!  But, he was very intelligent, and because he couldn't read the assignments, he got poor grades.  His personality was that he would rather be considered "bad" than be considered "stupid" which is what he thought he must be if he couldn't read.  Once he figured that out, he was a changed man!  And unfortunately, he figured it out because he had two daughters that were diagnosed as dyslexic, he had to go to school to meet with counselors for the girls, and the light bulb went on! 

The bottom line is that you should be your own counselor!  You know what your problems are.  You know what happened in your childhood.  You need to analyze your life, figure out where or why things have gone wrong for you.....and work on changing yourself.  Abuse, whether sexual, physical, mental........can affect you forever, unless you consciously refuse to let it happen.  Just because your father beat you, doesn't mean you aren't a good person.  HE was at fault, not you.  Just because people made fun of you because you were skinny, or fat, or too tall or too short.......So what?  I don't know one person who is perfect......do you?  I think that the main thing about problems in life, is that you have to learn to GET OVER IT!  I don't care if it's a divorce, a death, getting fired from a job, or whatever.  It happened, you're unhappy because of it, and then you realize that your life will go on anyway.  Yesterday is history!  Tomorrow is mystery!  And today is a gift, that's why it's called "the present"!  Get over the past, look forward to the future, and enjoy today........because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  Counsel yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 9:32pm

Thanks to both of you for your feedback.  You both brought up good points.  I'm just feeling a bit lost and trying to keep an open mind to anything that may help.  I have been doing a lot of my own soul searching for the past 2 weeks.  Even started a blog/journal to dump my thoughts and store various "ah ha" moments I've found on the internet.  That's helped but at times I think it would be good to get the perspective from outside of my own mind.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Mon, 07-21-2014 - 7:08am
I'm late in replying but I will echo the sentiment of Clarity and Fissatore - I made the mistake of trying the online thing, and it didn't help me nearly as much as a real in person relationship that I had to see face to face. If nothing else, the active responsibility of having to work on myself made a tremendous impact. Kudos for keeping the journal - I dug mine out after a couple of years and shudder at some of the things I wrote (I was clueless), and cried remembering each time I caved and had to restart my NC clock - it took me several times to finally commit to ending.
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