Is this the only way to end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Is this the only way to end it?
2
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 7:34pm
We've both been trying to end it for a few months. Each time, one of us goes crawling back. However, we have managed a steady friendship, with only a few lapses of passion.

Last week was MM's b-day, and I was finally able to give him his gift the other day. I spent a lot of time and money on getting this gift just perfect and encountered many dilemmas along the way. So when I finally gave it to him, suffice it to say he was less than enthusiastic. And a few minutes later, dropped a little bombshell (one more to add to the long list)...he told me his W got him tickets to a concert that WE had already purchased together. Now, had this been a "regular" friend, I would understand that something came up and he couldn't make it. But MM is not a "regular" friend and our plans and time spent together mean a lot more to me since our times are few and far between. Hence, I got angry. I told him later over text message that I felt contempt toward him for so many broken plans and now this, the one thing I looked forward to with him. He hadn't very much to respond, only a couple lines of manipulation. The next day he told me there is no way for us to truly be "just friends" with our deeper feelings always being so close to the surface. This angered me more b/c of the effort I am able to give to the friendship (and I too have a busy life of my own) but he cannot. Mind you, MM has 3 children (one of which was conceived months into our affair *see "bombshell" stories above) and runs a business.

Ok, so I want everyone to know that I knew what this relationship would entail when I entered it. However, things have changed dramatically and I have had too many encounters with MM's true self....very arrogant and manipulative. I honestly and truly fell head over heels in love with this man, knowing he would never leave his wife, he told me he wouldn't and I never asked him to. It was all about the thrill of the secret, I think.

Anyways, long story longer, I met him today to drop something off after a phone conversation that was "to end it, friendship and all." He had just come from the cell phone store and did not regret to inform me that his number was now changed ("perfect timing" as he put it) and there would be no more text messages. This would've been fine with me, had he somehow softened the blow...but instead he grinned and chuckled and poked me in the arm and said "You can't send me any more text messages!" Hmm, was I a nuisance and unaware of it? Did I come off as a stalker? This really irritated me as he had just finished telling me less than 2 hours prior that he would message me in a week. And I thoguht back to that same conversation and replayed all the "I still love you" and realized it was just another scheme of his.

I spoke with a friend recently who knows the ins and outs of my relationship w/ MM and suggested that maybe the only way to end this for MY sake is blow the whistle. Knowing the Jekyll & Hyde parts of myself (I love him one day, hate him the next, want to be his friend, then want to be his lover) I almost agreed so then it would finally be over and I COULDN'T fall back into it. Opinions welcome....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 8:41pm
(((Dani))) My heart breaks for you! MM sounds very callous, almost as if he is making a joke out of your entire R! I can relate to parts of your story, including the relapsing, the "bombshells", and the genuine effort on your part to be "just friends". I just want you to know that I truly feel for you, and I can definitely relate to the pain you must be going through right now, but...I don't think that blowing the whistle (I assume you mean telling his W) would be a good idea. You don't know where that road could lead, and it could lead to more trouble and heartache for you if he decides to relatiate in any way.

No, I don't think that blowing the whistle will help anyone, least of all you. I think you should walk away with dignity and self-respect, knowing that you were the bigger person here. If he is going to make joking comments about you text messaging him and make you feel like you were some sort of big inconvenience, he's not worth your time at all.

Obviously he doesn't have the decency to end things nicely, so I would just walk away. If he eventually calls or text messages you from his new cell phone, don't call him back. In fact, you may even want to get your number changed as well so he can't contact you. It would serve him right.

Hang in there, and keep us posted about what you decide to do.

((Hugs))

Circe




Edited 5/28/2004 8:42 pm ET ET by icirce21

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 11:06am
dani,

If you truly, in your heart of hearts, want this turmoil to end, then I understand your desire to tell his wife or "blow the whistle." I know that for me, personally, that the only way I will be able to end my EMA FOR GOOD is to tell my husband.

Both MM and I have tried to break it off twice (once by MM, once by me). Both times we have ended up back with each other. The last time, when I tried to break it off, I seriously considered telling my hubby about the affair. I knew I would be forced to cut it off. I didn't, and I am still involved.

The next poster suggested that you change your cell number. I agree. You are feeling unempowered right now, because he is making all of these decisions and toying with you. Why don't you take some control, and maybe change your number, and not tell him? See if that action makes you feel a little better, rather than take the drastic approach and blow the whistle on everything?

JMO. Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

Birdie