Ooops I did it again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Ooops I did it again!
2
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:32pm
I haven't posted in a long time. I have had a few relapses but finally three weeks ago i decided to start NC and i was doing really well. Well of course XMM was in my mind all the time but i was able to not contact him and then instead of getting better on the weekend i started to miss him so much that yesterday i did the most stupid thing. I worked so hard towards NC and i broke it. I called him pretending it was work related, we are in the same profession but don't work together and never see eachother, if we don't want to. So i asked him to drop off something at work for me and he did before he went home to his W. NOw i'm so mad at myself, why did i do it. I was doing so good why after three weeks the urge came back, and now today i don't want to do anything. I keep on staring at my phone but then i already told myself i'm not going to pick it up, then why do i want a call from him.

I don't even know if I love him or i just want him to always want me. Last two times when i started NC he always called back but this time he did not and i broke it off. But i really do want to end this A, it is killing me inside. It's like i'm living inside my head and i'm getting tired and sometimes feel nothing is exciting anymore. My H is so good to me and he thinks it's the move that is getting me stressed and he is so supportive and that even hurts me more. Am i just addicted to someone who doesn't treat me right and do i just want something i can't have.

I'm moving thousands of miles away, i was only here temporarily and it's coming up soon, so i know by leaving the A ends too, and i know i will be OK since my environment will be different, but meanwhile why do i still want him. His birthday is coming up, i'm thinking of not even calling eventhough if it was a friend i would have called, i never miss birthdays and he knows that too. What should i do? I want to start NC today but what if i fall back like last time again. Why am i so weak towards him,and i'm known to be very strong. It's almost like i show him the side of me that i try to hide infront of others, does that make sense? Wow i just realized that and sounds weird!!!

What should i do? Call for his birthday or say goodbye before i leave? And trust i want this A to end more than anything but there are times i just loose it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 7:06pm

What should you do, you ask?


I suggest you read Iknowitstime's latest post here on the board and pay close attention to what she has written.


Affairs are addictions. What you had was a relapse. Stop worrying about it and resume your NC.


That's the long and the short of it.


Your choice.


Health or disease.


Well????????????


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:15pm
i_twilight

You got hit by a withdrawl cycle, that will happen but if you refuse to cave in your going to get stronger and the withdrawl symptoms will get weaker.

When you have that urge to call him REMEMBER HE WENT HOME TO HIS WIFE AND THAT IS WHAT HE IS GOING TO CONTINUE DOING BECAUSE THAT IS WERE HE WANTS TO BE.

Stay strong and be free

Free