Ooops I Did it again.....sent an email

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Ooops I Did it again.....sent an email
7
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:43pm
God I feel so weak, I keep going to the puter to check my mail. Nothing. And than I write one and cancel it out, sign off, do it again, cancel. the next time I ended up clicking the sent button, than theres no going back. I keep reading all your post. And I'm having a bad day. I just want to hear something from him. I just can't help thinking about him. Wondering what he is doing, does he think about me?

I even asked him to call me on the weekend, I was going out Sat. and I thought maybe he would call. I can't believe I even asked him to call when in the past i have and he hasn't. Just needed to vent. i keep saying maybe this week I can do this. But than I know I will see him at work on the weekend. that always seems to set me back. More so when i don't get a chance to talk with him at work. Which is what happened last weekend. I just miss him so much. oh well wish me better luck next time. I'm just not sure I'm ready to give him up yet. I think because I haven't had him. Its all been emotional for me. I still want to be with him. He knows it but won't cross the line. But he is attracted to me. I don't know.

Now I will hope he replies to my email and I will wait for it. And when I get something I will feel connected, and better just from hearing from him. Its when i try not to contact him is when i feel at me worst. Does anyone here feel that way??

Oh well I must go hubby will be home.

thanks for listening all of you.

Deb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:49pm

Why are you looking backwards at possible emails from an ended, going nowhere relationship?


Which part of "over" don't you understand?


Or perhaps it might be best to leave your marriage and have an above-board permanent relationship and turn the xOM into something different: CH.


As in Current Husband.


Keep looking forward. Looking backward will drive you crazy.........


jmhmo.


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:33pm
Deb,

I understand how you feel. I do the same thing. When you get an email or a phone call from them - you feel that little flicker is still there. You have hope. But the feelings you have when they don't respond...that's hell. When I think of emailing/phoning my xOM, I remind myself of how awful I feel when he doesn't respond, or when he does, but acts like a jerk. I won't lie - it doesn't always work, and sometimes I falter anyway...but I'm so much better when it does work and I don't type in his email address or pick up that phone! When you feel like you want to email him - come to the message board, email me, or another friend, or your H :-) It's so hard to look to the future and know that someday it will be easier...but someday it will. There's no where to go but up!

Actressdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:01pm
I know exactly what you feel. I have done this so many times myself. The difference is he always responds. Always. I have to fight the urge everyday not to send him an email or text message. Its hard and it hurts. These urges will hopefully subside one day. But until them I just keep fighting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:52am
keep on fighting heartcrushed. I have been reading this board for over three hours (i don't have my kids this week) I really feel like it has helped me. I don't feel like contacting him and I don't want him to contact me today. I have been writing in my diary for one year now about how FUTILE it is to hold out hope that he will leave his W for me--but today I finally BELIEVE it rather than trying to make myself believe it.

I couldn't understand how he could let me go and live without me when I could not do the same. I felt like all my happiness was him. I still feel these things but you know--I have had to live without him for this whole year. Do I want to waste the next year HOLDING ON. I cried for a year. That's long enough

I think God helped me find this board now because I am ready now. Knowing that I am not alone and my 'true love' wasn't so different from the others I have read about here and hearing the stories gives me hope and strength to stop THINKING ABOUT HIM AND START THINKING ABOUT ME

Don't get me wrong I am still a psycho about him like today I drove past his parent's house, and yesterday I prayed in 'his' church--so I am not perfect. But I feel like I am in RECOVERY with you guys.

I know I will go to sleep in peace tonight.

I don't know about you--but for me the mornings are the worst of all. I wake up to the cold chill reality that HE IS GONE and i feel nauseated, panicky, sad and it is hard to face the day. Once I get out of bed it gets better. Someday when I wake up in the morning and feel I WANT TO LIVE even though it is a life without him THEN I WILL KNOW THAT I TRULY HAVE SURVIVED.

Thanks for being here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:03am
It's like all you people are me! LOL Currently I sit here waiting for my IM to turn orange -- MM to answer me. If he's in the office he ALWAYS answers. I just can't seem to let him go. I want to, I need to -- the guilt is killing me -- but for some reason I just can't. I've been married for 15 years, and gotta tell you -- having someone else interested in you feels wonderful. Plus...the MM is a great kisser -- I need to stop. Going to go get a cup of coffee and clean house -- yeah -- that'll make me turn the computer off - lol

Someone earlier said that they were so glad that no one judged them on their indiscretions on this board. I couldn't agree more. Thanks for all of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 12:38pm
DebDeb,

You asked in one of your posts" If he thought of you " I would say he hasn't if he didn't call you when you asked him. I know your sad and going crazy waiting for the one thing to let you know he is still wants to be with you but all his actions show other wise. I btdt and you will end up stressed out so bad it will affect your healtg believe me! So my suggestion would be to put all that energy into yourself find that streaghth you have deep inside and don't give him the satifaction at being at his beck and call. Let him know that with out him life does go on. Waiting for something that's not going to happen is just so dissapointing. I wish you luck in getting past this. After five years of dealing with a relationship that would result in NOTHING I had to do it for ME. I have been almost 4 months with NC and I know this is right for me.

Talk care SOUL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 9:13pm
Deb

I have a bit of a different view than most. I do not push it b/c it is not for everyone. Let me say that MM and were NOT in love nor did we have IC. We were attached and with out going into it all getting out of hand. Mm ended it. In 6 weeks we had one slip up. I fought the urge everyday. Keeping NC was becoming as much of an obsession as it was being with him. After a very good conversation with MM we both decided that if we needed to talk we would. No presssure and no egos involved. That was 2 weeks ago and I have felt better ever since. Just knowing I can call makes it easier not to. We shared a few emails last week and he called tonight. Didn;t even flinch. For me, not forcing him out has made it easier to distance myself. Not saying this will work for anyone else but I to wasn't ready to give it up. This way I am easing him out.

Best of luck