other people's problems
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other people's problems
| Sun, 07-25-2010 - 9:08pm |
Solving other people's problems is easier than focusing on and addressing our own - and this is something that bonded X and I. I felt needed and capable of solving his mess... and completely incapable of solving my own. How many of us were in that position? We volunteered to be emotional dumping grounds for messed up JAMs and felt a (misplaced) sense of control and empowerment. When we, or they, end the A, we're left with only our own shiz to address - and it's so much more personal and scary than playing Monday morning quarterback in somebody else's life.
this is what I'm thinking about tonight.
Dee

Right on Dee.
Couldn't be more on point.
I am thinking about that (and the fact that some other computer was just logged into my email account while I was).
Crap-balls.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Dee,
Or is it
Hey Dee,
Your realistic and accurate assessment shows you are seeing things very clearly.
Instead of seeing it with the A glazed near sighted glasses and thinking oh I cared about him so much and I was helping him, you see that you were putting yourself out there and he was using your ears as a toxic dumping ground.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
sorry, edited
Edited 7/29/2010 9:30 pm ET by serenity_88
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
Hi Dee,
Yes I also think this is right, my ex ap lived his life in a mess... and I did feel that someone (ME) could help him and make him the person he should me!
How stupid, his problems are his own or his making and he should use his own friends for that, he isnt my problem. Is is the niceness in us coming out. However, I have ran out of niceness for him becos helping him just hurt me and mine.
It was a good point and great post.
SB
All the things that you mention, transcend gender lines.
I have often thought about my own situation and know that it isn't great, but I wonder in amazement how I hooked up with someone who was as screwed up as she was (is).
At one point, the geek that I am, I set up a database on the problems I thought the OW had. Suddenly one day I realized that my W was quite similar. I added her to the dB and they were more alike than I could imagine. Eye opener!
I am a "Knight on a white horse". OW said that one day. It comes back to me now. Am I a rescuer? Are we all? Do we all have the same trait, that we want to help someone until it "hurts".
We only miss what could have been.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Dee -
It's interesting in my case - I absolutely wanted to solve XAP's problems. In the beginning we had more of a "normal" relationship, where we would talk about everything. But years ago, I stopped asking anything about anything in his life hoping he would miss that part of me. For the last few years, it's been me basically begging him to LET me in, let me help him, etc. XAP is a very strong, confident, capable man's man who has never let anyone help him. So he really didn't dump his stuff on me - even though I wanted him too. He was too busy playing 200 questions with me to find out every little thing about what I was up too I guess ;)
Bodhi