Ouch

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Ouch
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:32am
I am crushed. Posted this news on A board, but think it's not really the right place as I had kind of stopped the A as soon as it started. MM (who is ex-BF) and I made the mistake of finally admitting that we still have strong feelings for each other this past summer. I'm single and he's been in his M for several years. No children (yet). We never really stopped caring for each other and that has always been painfully clear. His M was also beginning to fall apart and he desperately wanted to end things. W was overly possessive, made him disconnect with friends and family, he didn't think they were ever really "in love", yada, yada, yada. Very complicated M to end, however, because they share a business as well.

Anyway, the past few months have been pretty tough for me. Several times he was ready to leave and I kept encouraging him to at least TRY to make things work; to talk to her. My feeling was, if he did ultimately end the M, I didn't want to be the reason. It would have been so easy for me to manipulate the situation by continuing to share my feelings with him, but instead, I swallowed them and kept quiet and distant (which, to say the least, was excruciating.)

And after time, it appeared they were indeed on the way to ending things. He even started to be surprisingly open with our friends about his feelings for me. Even while I kept pulling away. But quietly, I began to allow myself to dream about finally being able to reconnect with him. And it felt great. Anyway, I learned this weekend that his W is pregnant. He hasn't called me yet to tell me; which is probably a Godsend because I'm at a loss for words. I don't think he knows what to say either. It's just too hard to face. Can't imagine what he's going through, and my heart breaks for him.

But my heart is also broken. I feel so alone. And I hate myself for wishing things could be different. I know I have to let this go now. But I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me. I've arranged to leave town for the holidays so I don't have to see them when they're home (they live out of state.) I keep kicking myself thinking "If I just hadn't pushed him to work on things when I knew he wanted out of the M, then he wouldn't be in this trap right now." I know, pointless thoughts really....

I'm just devastated. Sorry. Thanks for letting me share. For some odd reason, it just feels better to get this out. It's so hard to put on a smile and not let anyone around you know what you're really going through inside.