our gift.....
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| Sat, 05-01-2010 - 9:18pm |
So I wanted to pursue the point in Pilates Girls thread of xmm and their gifts. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that today and wanted to share my thoughts.
I have always considered myself a person of very high expectations. I demand a lot of myself and that holds for those around me. I'm not saying that in a negative way, I guess its that I enjoy others who can talk politics one minute and laugh at an episode of Family Guy the next. My H has always been that person, my comfort zone. He not only has high morals but high standards as well. If he knew about my as he would be devastated.
My point is that I lowered my standards for the 16mths that I was with xmm. I look back and see so much, so many times I swallowed my pride and expectations in order to continue to be with him. I'm not a prude by any means (wow, If there were cameras in Super8, there would be proof). But there are so many things that xmm did that tore me away from the self assured woman I was at the beginning. He visited strip clubs, told me his dad even bought him a lap dance and for the stripper to take care of his needs for the evening, which he declined because that wouldnt be "right". What kind of father /son relationship is that? I can overlook a strip club visit for a batchelor party but to go to them regularly isn't something I would be willing to deal with in a marriage. He cheated on his wife twice before me, and spoke so degrading of her. Status is also important to him, living debt free, having the best of everything, regular vacations all those things were a priority for him. It was for me too, at least I thought it was. Those were all things DH and I didn't have. We struggle to pay medical bills for our son, I shop at Goodwill and we don't take regular vacations. Since we can't afford a lot, we take "family field trips ". Day trips that are close by. Seeing that he had all those things and I didn't really made me devalue the life I was living. It made his world appealing and mine deprived.
Now that the fog has lifted a bit, I can see how his departure in my life was a GIFT. I have never had to lower my standards or swallow my pride and look the other way with my H. XMM can continue in his post dday dysfunctional marriage, go on exotic vacations and live debt free but I see know that my life will always be richer.
So many times I would fall asleep hoping and praying that xmm and I had a future together. I'm seeing now how all of those unanswered prayers were the best gift.
Love to all of you.
GMLB

Gmlb,
I am so proud of u n this post. U r right on. U brought tears to my eyes. The best thing these MM ever did for us was depart from our lives. You have made me smile of hope and clarity. Thank you for this amazing post. Our lives will be so much richer. They gave us without giving...sounds crazy, but as much pain as MM put me thru, he has made me untouchable...so to speak. I will never setlle again. I will never swallow my pride. N it's posts like yours that keep me going.
Brazos,
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin,
You made my day and thank you so much for saying such wonderful things. Its those words of encouragement that help me to continue on the road ahead.
I think at first, when Xmm had his Dday in October and he began pulling back, I saw his departure in my life as tragic. It felt like I was losing the air in my lungs and it was such a crushing blow. I couldnt stand losing him, I needed him, I wanted him so bad and was hanging on for dear life.
Then I started to really look at him, his past, his personality, his morals and values. And what I started to see became terribly unappealing and I saw how I turned away from all of those red flags because I needed that "fix" he gave me.
Im still struggling on many days. I know that he DID care for me, just in the dysfunctional way that A's allow, it just wasnt a life long lasting love. When I have those tough days, I try to remember all of those things that he did or said that, had we both been single, I would have NEVER had another date with him.
I guess I look at it, as stupid as this anology may be,
Thank you for this post GMLB.
Like you, I compromised so many of my values to be with xMM.
GMLB and All, this
kmg6,
You are a very strong woman and what you are going through is painful. My heart goes out to you. Even if you can not return to your marriage post A, you are able to return to YOURSELF. That A took so much from us that it left us with only a shell of who we used to be. But once we can get back our self respect and esteem we can then move forward on solid ground.
YOU are that gift kmg6 and there is nothing better than getting YOU back.
Love to you,
GMLB