Our Role in the A vs. the XMM's Role
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 10-30-2004 - 3:48pm |
Many times people mention certain negative qualities about their XMM in their posts. I have heard things like:
1. he is a narcissist, only concerned about himself
2. he is an A**HOL* -- can’t stand to think about him
3. he wants me, then he doesn’t – what is going on with him?
4. he has it made �� he has so much control over me – all he has to do is call
5. first he emails me, then nothing for days – what is his problem?
6. men who cheat are all alike
But what about our part in this? In my experience, the A was a two-way street.
1. He wasn’t any more self-centered than I.
2. If he was waffling about continuing our relationship, I was certainly doing it more often.
3. I had just as much control over him – if I called, he was right there for me. I tended to have him wrapped around my little finger – I actually had a bit more control.
4. Is it easier for us to end our As if we think of the XMM as an A**HOL*??? We didn’t think he was so bad until he stopped contacting us, which is what we ultimately wanted anyway. Are we trying to convince ourselves that the guy was no good in order to help ourselves recover?
5. We cheated too – are all women who cheat alike? I think the answer to this one is no, not exactly. The stories on this board have different twists and turns, even thought they have the same underlying theme (we were in a relationship that was wrong).
My theory is that, while all As have similarities, I believe that there are also differences. Some of us have good endings, some have bad ones. But don’t we all play an equal role in our As? Isn’t it 50/50? Why is the guy the bad one who is leaving us feeling miserable? He has feelings too, and he is probably in the same emotional boat as the rest of us. Breaking up is hard no matter who you are.
I am asking these questions because I seriously want to know. I am not intending to make light of anyone’s individual situation, so please don’t read anything more into this post than what is written here. I just want to hear from you about how you view the role of the man and the woman—I think hearing your responses will help me a great deal.
Thanks!
Meg

Pages
Sometimes we never forget someone who played such an important part in our life, even if it was a relationship we should not have had. It's tough, but what I have tried to do is this...when XMM pops into my head, I allow myself to briefly smile, and I think to myself that he's a nice guy and I'm glad he is back with his wife. I tell myself that we had a great time, but isn't it nice that we finally had the strength to end it. I try to think about him fondly. The only way to stop the sadness, IMHO, is to train our brains to think differently. We CAN coach ourselves to react in a certain way when thoughts about a certain topic pop into our heads (like XOM)--just like Pavlov and his dogs. Remember that it takes 21 days to make (or change) a habit!
Just as an aside, I wonder how many of theourse XMMs have the same astrological sign. There are so many posts lately about the XMM's b-day!!!!
I hope you find peace :-)
Meg
Forgot to mention in my previous post...
I know my exMM (soon to be divorced but then put it on hold due to discovering his wife has cancer; so you all are aware, all this happened prior to his wife's diagnosis...after finding out about his wife's cancer after 4 months of NC, I "bolted" as quickly as possible...NO WAY was I going to get "between" during this traumatic time) has written me off as a lying two-timing Jezebel, a con artist, who has played him. Even though I was unfaithful to my husband (no excuse, regardless!), I was genuinely making "responsible" plans to leave the marriage, not necessarily with the idea of being with OM but needed to contemplate long and hard if ending the marriage was the "right" decision. While "contemplating," the OM thought of it as "foot-dragging...being indecisive". Funny, the OM was adamant that I leave the marriage based upon that it was over- that it has/had nothing to do with the OM whatsoever. Either way, he wanted me to push "the end" button (in regards to the marriage)...so he could have all of me. Why? To completely control, dominate me. No way would I allow that to happen; even though I loved (probably still do) him, I knew what he was trying to do.
Truth is I really, really loved him...but I knew in my heart I did not want to be with him long-term. Even if I did leave my marriage (I plan on filing in few months), what kind of a beginning would it have been with "that" kind of negative history? I wanted/want a fresh start, clean slate. Also, I knew I faced the (possibly greater) risk of him dumping my sorry bum as well, based upon the same reason: wanting fresh start.
The exMM thought I rejected him based upon his income, $$ (knew my husband was more
well-off), was not good enough...COMPLETELY FAR from that. I had trouble trusting him...but then, who is calling the kettle black (me being unfaithful)? My largest, looming fear is being committed, loving a man who is a serial philanderer. Once you are in love, then it becomes ALMOST impossible to get out of it...Prior to meeting me, he has quick smoking for over seven years...after the demise of our affair (and during the last two months), he became a chain-smoker...I suppose I am BAD NEWS to him...I know for a fact his best friend tells him to stop being so stupid, to quit falling for my "traps", whatever...all not true, I really did love him.
Pages