Out of LIMBO LAND :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Out of LIMBO LAND :)
20
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:10am
Hi Everyone,

I wanted to share with all of you that I am approaching the 2 month anniversary of my "ending" day, and because I also work with XMM, I look upon this as quite an accomplisment. I still see him everyday and of course HAVE to converse with him on business stuff, but several weeks ago I had to set boundaries because he kept trying to maintain those personal channels of communication i.e., "What are you doing this weekend? How are you feeling? How are your kids?" I finally told him to stop with the chit-chat, that it is counter productive in my healing. HE is the one who now needs to get over it. I ccan bet it has everything to do with "EGO" issues on his part. I came to realize that REtaining a friendhip will only re-establish those emotions that got us into trouble in the first place. For those of you thinking, "Oh, but she still gets to see him everyday, so it was probaly easier to let go." NOT. I would have given anything to have been able to just walk away forever. Since I am NOT married, I NEED this job to survive, so this has NOT been easy by any means...

Again I would like to insert my "Limbo Land" post because as I continue to read on this board every day, I have stumbled across several of you mentioning how "LIMBO LAND" has helped you in some way or another. Just thinking that I may have helped someone get through this very difficult time, or at least encouraged them to take a good long hard at themselves, shows me how NOT alone I was in this challenge for emotional freedom.

************** LIMBO LAND*************

For those of you stuck in Limbo Land, that place that keeps you imprisioned and confused, that vast oasis filled with unanswered questions, 24/7 emotional pain, and delusionary perceptions of what is real in your life, realise that you cannot escape this place until your mind and heart break away in unison.

Your mind is saying "I need to end this" and your heart is saying, "I still love him." As yet, you have not taken control of your life. You are allowing a "part-time" person to have "full-time" control of your emotions, movements, decisions and commitments. Is this how you want to live? Do you want to remain as a "second choice" in your lovers life? Most men having an affair do not comprehend how their actions are affecting you. No amount of pain or suffering on your part will cause "HIM" to take action to change.

How many of these emotions can you relate to from having this affair (or maybe starting one): Lonliness, loss of self esteem, anger, jealousy, depression, anxiety, guilt, suicidal thoughts, bouts of crying, loss of control, physical symptoms like weight loss or eating disorders, drinking more, complusive behaviors like shopping more, lying more...I could go on and on, but these are all characteristic of what an affair does to us. How many of these can you fess up to? Personally, I can claim at least 4, not to mention isolation from friends and family because of the secretivenes. SUCH pain, and now you are putting even MORE upon yourself for NOT being able to walk away from it. Why? Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy hurting yourself? Are you a saddest? Do you enjoy possibly ripping your family apart or his?



Many women entering into an affair at first think that they can maintain control, that they just want to see "What it is like" OR that they they will be able to maintain emotional distance. FALSE! Once you sleep with them, you are HOOKED! You have stepped over that emotional boundary that you thought you could protect yourself with...How does this happen? Because women equate love-making with "LOVE" while men equate love-making with "SEX". This is why it is so much easier for the man to walk away when the going gets tough; they have little emotional baggage folowing them out the door.


Most married men having affairs are NOT having an affair because of "YOU". They are having it for themselves - to fill a void or psychological need that they are trying to compensate for. YOU are the vehicle for their escape from "Boredom Land" into "Fantasy Land" where we woman eventually become emotionally stuck. AND since the dynamics of an affair are rooted in lies and dishonesty (if you think for one minute his marriage is ALL that bad, you are truely mistaken), eventually this fantasy will drive your confused and hurting heart into the oasis of "Limbo Land" where you will remain until the "Ah Ha" light goes on within you.

An added note: The above information I gathered from various books re: Infidelity and affairs. (So, I didn't make it up for you skeptics out there)

MY PERSONAL NOTE: Affairs are all about control - who has it, who abuses it and who has lost it. Somehow women get more caught up in the detrimental effects of affairs; confusion, heartache, loss of self esteem, feeling manipulated, loss of emotional control, etc. I am out of this charade now and all of the above negatives have FINALLY dissipated....I ONCE again see my old self and "OH THE JOY" of self recognition. It was worth all of the stuggle and all of the pain...

Good luck and God Speed to you all,

True

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 2:09pm
True, I haven't posted for awhile, I ended an A 4 1/2 weeks ago and it is like a new life I have entered and I just wanted to share that with you and everyone on the board. First I will say, I have weak moments, but that is all they are moments. Limbo Land can kill you, if not physically, mentally. I am so glad to be out. I also work with my XOM, but when you keep it strictly to business and keep your boundaries, it does actually work. My biggest accomplishment is not desiring him everytime I see him, I am so glad of that. That was what I was dreading the most, but guess what? When I weigh the good with him (not even mentioning the bad, which we all know kills us) the good feeling about being free is so much better.

I just want everyone to know, you can do this and you will love yourself and your life so much more. I can't say that I won't be back in a few days feeling weak, but gosh I feel great right now. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:01pm
True....you have got it going on!!!!! You are an inspiration!!!!

Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:16pm
*****the good feeling about being free is so much better****

I read your post at work earlier today and was totally moved, so much so I had an emotional moment. I know how hard you were struggling. I was getting ready to answer you when dipsh*t came running downstairs, and now when he does that I become irritated :) I was more into responding to you than I was in having to listen to whatever he wanted. I can't even remember what it was now...I have blocked him out so well that even his conversations fall on deaf ears. Sometimes I have to be careful when he's talking about business.... ;)

Girlfriend, I am SOOOOOOO proud of you. You make my heart smile. Yes, there will always be those "weak" moments; I have had a few myself, but mostly they were in the beginning of shut-down. Now they are far and few between and whenever I feel one coming on...I head for IVillage for my fix. I owe so much to these boards and reading a success story like yours is what it's all about.

Welcome to freedom,

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:20pm
***you have got it going on***

Carla,

Thanks. Next....I want to hear you saying that to yourself. You CAN do this!

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:53pm
True,

I'm almost there!!!!!!!! I am doing great! I still have my moments but all and all I feel so strong and in control. The NC has been taxing but it gets better each day. My head is getting clearer and even if the W blows up when the cell phone bill comes in a few weeks....I accept whatever happens.

Carla

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 10:30pm
bump up
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 11:12pm
Bumping up
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 8:29pm
((((FREE))))

I haven't been around this board much. I actually listened to what I wrote way back then and don't need to be here anymore. Just check in once in a while and saw my old thread laughing in my face. Hah! I'm guessing that you bumped this up for 1 of 2 reasons.

1) Limbo Land must be getting full again ;)

2) Your fingers are wearing out from typing your "excellent, but not so easily enforced" advice.




Hope all is well in your neck of the woods,

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:03pm
HI True

I bumped your posts up because your words were to wise and important to be allowed to get lost.

Hope life is all you want it to be.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 9:38pm
Hi Everyone,

True, your limbo land posting was excellent, a very accurate description of the emotional pain and the normal steps that an A seems to follow. I know your insight will help so many of us out here. Thanks.

As for my own Ending story, I am causiously hopeful that it may work out without loosing the long term friendship my Ex OM and I have had. It has been almost one month since I told him we would not be together intimately. He has some days been hateful and sarcastic with me, and on others, pretty normal. This week, he acted more maturely. He talked to me more openly. We talked about what the A had meant to both of us and we know it was the fullfillment of the sexual attraction we have had for one another for a very long time. I care deeply for him and I know that he does for me also, but yet, we know we would not be suited for one another as marriage partners. Our A was a very selfish act, but neither of us has children and we were very careful to see that no one was hurt, still, things can happen and I know we were very lucky to have gone almost three years without being discovered.

It is a relief to no longer worry about why he is in a bad mood, or did I do something to make him upset or what should I wear to work tomorrow that he would like. It is such a relief to once again be my conservative married self and to devote my energy to my own life with my H rather than my OM.

I think for the ex OM and myself both, the A, or the physical part of it, had about run its course. I think generally his ego was injured since I was the one to actually say it was over. We are both almost 50 years old, so I suppose our hormones are not raging as they would be if we were in our 20s or 30s, so maybe letting go of the sexual aspect is a bit easier.

Ex OM told me he has applied for a new job outside our office. I would miss him tremendously if he gets the job, but I would not be devistated as I would have been a year ago. He is just no longer the most important aspect in my life as he once was.

Thank goodness!!

Good luck to everyone. And True, you have come a long way and I am so happy for you. Stay strong. I know you will. Sounds like you have made it through the worst of it.

IP

Pages