Out of LIMBO LAND :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Out of LIMBO LAND :)
20
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:10am
Hi Everyone,

I wanted to share with all of you that I am approaching the 2 month anniversary of my "ending" day, and because I also work with XMM, I look upon this as quite an accomplisment. I still see him everyday and of course HAVE to converse with him on business stuff, but several weeks ago I had to set boundaries because he kept trying to maintain those personal channels of communication i.e., "What are you doing this weekend? How are you feeling? How are your kids?" I finally told him to stop with the chit-chat, that it is counter productive in my healing. HE is the one who now needs to get over it. I ccan bet it has everything to do with "EGO" issues on his part. I came to realize that REtaining a friendhip will only re-establish those emotions that got us into trouble in the first place. For those of you thinking, "Oh, but she still gets to see him everyday, so it was probaly easier to let go." NOT. I would have given anything to have been able to just walk away forever. Since I am NOT married, I NEED this job to survive, so this has NOT been easy by any means...

Again I would like to insert my "Limbo Land" post because as I continue to read on this board every day, I have stumbled across several of you mentioning how "LIMBO LAND" has helped you in some way or another. Just thinking that I may have helped someone get through this very difficult time, or at least encouraged them to take a good long hard at themselves, shows me how NOT alone I was in this challenge for emotional freedom.

************** LIMBO LAND*************

For those of you stuck in Limbo Land, that place that keeps you imprisioned and confused, that vast oasis filled with unanswered questions, 24/7 emotional pain, and delusionary perceptions of what is real in your life, realise that you cannot escape this place until your mind and heart break away in unison.

Your mind is saying "I need to end this" and your heart is saying, "I still love him." As yet, you have not taken control of your life. You are allowing a "part-time" person to have "full-time" control of your emotions, movements, decisions and commitments. Is this how you want to live? Do you want to remain as a "second choice" in your lovers life? Most men having an affair do not comprehend how their actions are affecting you. No amount of pain or suffering on your part will cause "HIM" to take action to change.

How many of these emotions can you relate to from having this affair (or maybe starting one): Lonliness, loss of self esteem, anger, jealousy, depression, anxiety, guilt, suicidal thoughts, bouts of crying, loss of control, physical symptoms like weight loss or eating disorders, drinking more, complusive behaviors like shopping more, lying more...I could go on and on, but these are all characteristic of what an affair does to us. How many of these can you fess up to? Personally, I can claim at least 4, not to mention isolation from friends and family because of the secretivenes. SUCH pain, and now you are putting even MORE upon yourself for NOT being able to walk away from it. Why? Are you a masochist? Do you enjoy hurting yourself? Are you a saddest? Do you enjoy possibly ripping your family apart or his?



Many women entering into an affair at first think that they can maintain control, that they just want to see "What it is like" OR that they they will be able to maintain emotional distance. FALSE! Once you sleep with them, you are HOOKED! You have stepped over that emotional boundary that you thought you could protect yourself with...How does this happen? Because women equate love-making with "LOVE" while men equate love-making with "SEX". This is why it is so much easier for the man to walk away when the going gets tough; they have little emotional baggage folowing them out the door.


Most married men having affairs are NOT having an affair because of "YOU". They are having it for themselves - to fill a void or psychological need that they are trying to compensate for. YOU are the vehicle for their escape from "Boredom Land" into "Fantasy Land" where we woman eventually become emotionally stuck. AND since the dynamics of an affair are rooted in lies and dishonesty (if you think for one minute his marriage is ALL that bad, you are truely mistaken), eventually this fantasy will drive your confused and hurting heart into the oasis of "Limbo Land" where you will remain until the "Ah Ha" light goes on within you.

An added note: The above information I gathered from various books re: Infidelity and affairs. (So, I didn't make it up for you skeptics out there)

MY PERSONAL NOTE: Affairs are all about control - who has it, who abuses it and who has lost it. Somehow women get more caught up in the detrimental effects of affairs; confusion, heartache, loss of self esteem, feeling manipulated, loss of emotional control, etc. I am out of this charade now and all of the above negatives have FINALLY dissipated....I ONCE again see my old self and "OH THE JOY" of self recognition. It was worth all of the stuggle and all of the pain...

Good luck and God Speed to you all,

True

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 9:58am
An amazing post, and very true!

ataraxis

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:14pm
<<<>>>

This could be a blessing in disguise :) My XMM (boss) is on vacation this week, the first break I've had from having to see him daily (M-F) since I ended this madness back in May. AT LAST, a breather, on the turf that I refer to as my home away from home. Just knowing he is not going to ask me something personal, just knowing that he is not going to comment on what I am wearing, just knowing that I don't have to hear the sound of his voice that now makes me wince, has made this week the most bearable one yet since ending. How sad is that? I know deep down inside that I could heal so much quicker if I could find other employment, but being in my middle 50's, I am just too tired to start over again somewhere else this late in the game. I refuse to let this man have ANY control over me other than signing my paycheck. The ONLY thing I owe him is my dedication to this company, in which I have never faultered. Outside of that, he no longer exists for me at work as I didn't exist for him after work or on weekends. Now HE knows how it feels. Ah, life can sometimes be so revengefully sweet in the most unplanned of ways. (Being in his face everyday, and NOTHING he can do about it, poor baby)!!!!

YOU keep doing what you are doing. You as #1, hubby as #2 and XMM as MINUS ZERO! Hah! I am very proud of you. What we have both accomplished should earn us a badge of courage :)

My best to you,

~True~

PS. Edited to add: And to think how the last 4 previous years I would ache when he left on his summer vacation. I moped and dispaired and hurt. ARG!!! I was so PATHETIC!


Edited 9/2/2004 2:22 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 8:00pm
Bumping up
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:32pm
Bumping up
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 11:44pm
Bumping up
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 7:25am
<>

THAT is one of the best things I have ever read...I never thought of it that way but you are so ON!

This whole thread is tremendous...JUST what I needed....FANTASTIC!!!!!

Need2

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 7:29am
I JUST got what bumping up means and I did it all by my little ole self w/o any help from all you old timers...every time you post it bumps that message up to the top for people to notice and read! COOL!

Thanks Free!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 9:43am
<<>>>

Hey Sweetie, all of us on here have been bitten by the *fantasy-bug* and a good old shot in the arm of "anti-fog" juice does the body good :) Whatever it takes to break that fever, eh?

Yeah, when I first got on the boards I didn't know what "bump" meant either. When I signed on this morning and saw my old post bumped to the top, I knew that "MEFREE" was on one of her missions again :) I *hope* that whenever you feel weak and confused, that you will re-read this post and keep in mind that it was written when I was in deep pain several months ago. From that point it was only *UP* for me, and I have been affair-free now for 5 months. <<<<<>>>>

You can do it too,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 1:09am
Bumping up
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Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:37pm
B/U

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