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| Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:02pm |
Hi All,
I've been lurking for awhile.......went NC & made it 8 days and then BAM off we went again:(
| Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:02pm |
Hi All,
I've been lurking for awhile.......went NC & made it 8 days and then BAM off we went again:(
Dear Rena,
Welcome to our incredible community. You have come to the right place. Here you will be supported and cared for throughout the entire process of ending your affair and remaining NC. My xAP sounds much like yours. I ended the affair but he wanted to keep the EA going. I simply could not tolerate giving to anyone any longer who would be content with keeping me in their shadow for the rest of our lives. I found his desperation at the end revolting and it angered me.
I have been in therapy for the past couple of years. I also keep a file to store all my favorite posts and words of inspiration for those tough moments and days. You've made it to 8 days before, so you know what those first couple of days are like. So reach out here. Post and read. Post and read. Don't feel shy or worried about how you sound. We have all been where you are. Read the healing library. It has so many amazing articles and words of wisdom. Indeed time away from him will give YOU the clarity to see just how destructive your A was to you. From here on in, his feelings do not matter. His wants/needs/concerns are not yours to worry about. Time to put you, and only you, first.
Welcome.
(hugs)
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Rena,
I remembered your moniker but I could not remember your story so I went back and read some old posts to get more familiar with it. Welcome back and I hope NC sticks for you this time around.
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I was going to ask if his wife was getting suspicious and that is part of why he broke off the PA and in one of your old posts you answered that question for me.
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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thanks for the food - empowerment; we've had so many discussions about the "why's" of our PA ending and I've often accused him of the very thing you say your reasons were - pretty much telling him I knew he was feeding me full of BS..... the thing that's hard for me though and why there are times when I start to think I actully believe him is that ..... he said "IT - L.word" once to me granted it was immediately after we finished S.... but prior to that time there really hadn't been any discussion of any feelings we had for each other.....
By the way my reaction when he said it was to not respond...... I let it go and didn't bring it up at all..... but shortly after that HE started to change.... you see he was usually the one always calling just to say hey, leavin' me hot voicemails....etc. until THAT day the word slipped out.... and I blew it off..... and i reacted that way not because i wasn't feeling it too but b/c it was one of those moments where i was still in the "High" of the O and I was kinda thinkn' "did he really just say what I think he did"......... I got too clingy when he pulled back THERE was a tremndous power shift in that btwn us.........anyway, I honestly don't know if he was blown' me BS or not and i finally realize that in the end it doesn't really matter all that much..... the result is still the same - we are not together!!!!
Oh yeah I said “IT the L word” too at a time when I was emo . It under different circumstances than you described your xAP saying it. I think it’s in just about every dating book that if men say it during or immediately after S to take it with a grain of salt as it could be they L the way you make them feel or they L the S etc.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Morning to You E-1,
Some of what you've said really does reasonate w/me..... I've told him numerous times He can say whatever he wants till he is blue in the face, I'm reacting to
Hi Rena,
Your strength and resolve in ending shines through in your posts.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I know you are right E-1, why I have my doubts that even if he decided we should be together im not ready for it or even sure it would work...... he's a good guy really and i do believe he's confused which is why NC has to happen, he doesn't need pulled btwn me & his wife, if he is telling the truth and needs to get things figured out - he's gonna get that space from me whether it's what he wants or not.....
For me it's only about "me" right now, things are very hard
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I’m not trying to paint him as a bad guy. Having an A does not make you or him a bad person just a person acting badly and making bad choices. It does not define who he is or who you are. I guess the point I was making is that it could compound the bad choices if he continues to make them while in the A mindset. You are seeing things clearly by wanting to pull out and gain some perspective without the A factor influencing you.
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I was smiling when I read this. Yes I believe it is best for him too what you are doing. He probably won’t come to that realization till much further down the line in NC.
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This is the crux of the matter for most of us isn’t it and what makes healing and moving forward difficult because some of us tied up so much of our life in xAP. It really is not healthy but we don’t see it at the time. Only when we are trying to move away from the A do we see how much of ourselves we invested in this person in an unhealthy and in some cases obsessive way.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.