Out from under the "affair cloud"

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Out from under the "affair cloud"
6
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 11:25pm

I am a lurker on this board. (Used to post some in the past and the postings and replys I received were a great support and aide to get me out of my affair).I come here everyday and read the postings, feel the pain, and hurt that is being experienced. I so do remember when I too was so distressed all the time and analyze every word XMM said to me, waited for my next contact with him, "cause he wanted to see me","cause he loved me" and "cause he needed me in his life and could not let me go". Well I must say this....The affair was not worth it, (It lasted 3 +/- years for me, XMM still trys to contact me, with his last attempt being as recent as this past Monday).The pain I felt was terrible, and my way of thinking was so bad I could have lost everything in my life that is the most meaningful to me.(My family and friends that are ALWAYS there for me and have my best interests at heart, NOT THEIR NEED.) All because of the man that I thought I had to have in my life. Looking back, It was horrible and I was horrible.

Please allow yourself time to heal and get out of your affair and move on with your life. The person you had the affair with is not worth it. I'm not saying this in a hateful way cause I do believe that people come into our life for a reason. I saying this because if it is or was REAL LOVE, you would have this person in your life in an honest and open relationship, no matter what the costs. You would not be a secret, a person of convience, or a ego boost. People go thru divorce and life changing experiences everyday, and make it.

I too thougth "I would never cheat". Well I did. Luckily for me I told my husband about the affair and we have moved on from it and are okay. Yes XMM still tries to contact me and Yes I resist him and his calls. I realized over time that I was only a cheap trick for him.

I am still healing from this affair and I can sit here and tell you that Yes there are days when I miss him. I think it is because he was an "event" in my life.

I am so glad I am out of the affair and will tell you that I will NEVER under any circumstance do something that stupid again.

I am getting back to my old self, getting my social life back in a good order with my friends and family and starting to enjoy my life again. The life that once was sucked out of me has returned.

Make yourself move on and get over it. Remember this please,.. if this person you are having an affair with, or had an affair with really loved you and you were that important to them, you would not be here posting your hurt feelings, expressing your pain and crying over your feelings of weakness. You would be having real feelings of joy and happiness in your heart and your head. Maybe a feeling that you had one time for your spouse or SO.

YOU ARE WORTH IT. AND YOU CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. YOU ARE IN CONTROL!!!

Thanks for listening

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 7:10am

(((TCOM))))


I remember your posts and how hard you were struggling.


<<<All because of the man that I thought I had to have in my life. Looking back, It was horrible and I was horrible.>>>


I am also able to look back and realize my horrible behavior and what lengths I had gone through to maintain a long-term affair that was sucking the life out of me.


<<>>


Amen sister! Being someone's dirty little secret has nothing to do with "Real" or "Love."


<<>>


This took real courage on your part and shows a woman with

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:16am

Tcom

Thanks for coming out of lurktum.

Very well said and all VERY TRUE.

Good to here your doing well, on words and upwards.

Free

PS: That guy was\is a total WACKO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 11:55am

Dear TCOM:

Thanks for your uplifting words. I too am out from under the A cloud finally. I am so glad that I have strength again to be productive in my real life. The A and the greiving when it was over took me down to the ground and I was barely functioning. I HAVE STRENGTH AND HEALTH AGAIN.

I still get contacted too, but I will not go back to that pain and sadness.

I am going on my 4th date on Sunday with a NG (I got divorced this last yr and XMM stayed with his W) I can't believe how POSITIVE NG is about everything! XMM was always so negative after everyone found out about the A and he had to DO something. I like being around a positive person.

I have been journaling since my A ended for 15 months and in the last three months I have made so much progress towards putting this behind me forever.

I wish you a beautiful life from now on

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:16pm
For whatever reason........I can't explain it. All day today I thought about XMM. I thought about the things that happened during the affair to hurt my feelings, hurt his feelings, all the times I insisted that I "couldn't do this anymore", only to fall back into the cycle, routine or whatever it was, thinking that i needed him. Then I thought of all the times we laughed, shared jokes, how he would sing to me, and I can still hear the joy and cheer in his voice the day I gave him my cell phone number. Funny how those things just one day pop in your head. I sometimes re-read this post as a reminder of how I was then and how I am NOT going to be now. Thought maybe I'd bump it up to share it again and maybe the words will help someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 7:54pm

Hi - I'm new here. I'm so glad u bumped that up. Very inspiring. I keep needing to read posts like that. I hope u are doing well and continue to be free. You're helping me. Thank U.

Despr8

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 7:40am

Your situation mirrors my own so closely. This post is the best post I have read yet. The more I read, the stronger I get. There is hope for me yet, and for that I am so HAPPY!

Aching (but not so much today!)
:)