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| Mon, 04-19-2010 - 9:41pm |
Hello
Last time I posted here was sometime in mid- to late September. After not having any contact with the XAP, I found him on a social networking site in November of 2008. After years of pining away for him, thinking he'd show up at my door with divorce papers some day, and trying to track down his activities (without calling to ask him) I found him! I also found that he not only DID divorce, but REMARRIED!!! I was stunned, shocked, disheartened. I felt a bit numb, so it wasn't like the end of my world. I gathered up any remnants of memories of him; a shirt, a photo or two, and ceremoniously burned them all.
I had spent way too much time thinking about him, missing him. I pushed others away, telling myself that I was content just to have been able to experience such an intense love-relationship such as we had. (Even though I knew full well that it was totally fantasy-based!)I spent many hours praying that my heart would be released from loving him.
Then, the 'reconnect' last September, nearly a year after finding out his situation. It started out so innocently, so gradually. I thought I had enough will-power to keep it on the up and up. But then he shows up at my door.
So, I fell again. But this time was different. I don't know if it was my ceremonious purging of all things AP, or my heart-wrenching prayers, but the time back with him was...different. I felt much less anxious waiting for him to sneak over. I felt less 'fluttery' when in his arms. Mind you, in our previous encounters I had struggled to keep from being physical with him, even though I wanted to be with him more than anything. I would feel my heart race while thinking of him! I literally felt tingly and on edge with anticipation just to SEE him
On the day he showed up at my door, it got so much more physical than I would have ever let it be before. On the subsequent days after he would come over, it was always physical. And the oddest thing was, I did not have any more feeling for him. Nothing. Nada. zilch. Zip. As a matter of fact, when he told me he had to "lay low" for a while (His wife found a message I'd left for him on his phone and was now suspicious, and with the approaching holidays it would be difficult for him to sneak over) I accepted it with a shrug and acknowledgment that I completely understood, no problem.
I guess about three months had passed from NC again when I got another message from him...he missed me. I answered back.."Oh, have you laid low long enough?" He replied "Never mind" and that has been the last I've heard from him. He is no longer on the social networking site, as far as I can tell. (Do not know why I still check to see if he is there. Even if he were to contact me and tell me he'd divorced THAT wife, I don't think I'd care. And yet I keep checking.)
So, I am here to say that it IS possible to get over an affair. My concern is whether it was an answer to my prayer or some other thing. (I worry about my near-complete lack of romantic feeling since having a total hysterectomy a few years ago. I am currently in a relationship, but do not in any way feel remotely the same toward this guy as I did for the XAP. I sometimes think the XAP stole my heart! My prayers were to be rid of any feelings for him so that I could get on with my life. So, I'm getting on with my life, but I do miss the "flutters". I think maybe God has punished me by removing any kind of physical desire from me.) When I read over my angst-riddled memoirs, I think, was this really me? My distance from him and finding out new things about him makes me wonder about his compulsiveness and inability to stay faithful. I have probably been saved a world of hurt by not staying with him.
I just miss the romance. That's what I get for having an affair:( I
Grace

Hey,
I don't think you've lost all romance. Maybe it has just been misplace. One day when you least expect it, it will come up and bite you on the butt and you won't even know what hit you. For now do things for yourself. Put fresh flowers in your house (makes me happy), buy yourself some nice perfume, or dress up and go out somewhere nice.
I googled infatuation and this yahoo answer popped up. I thought it was very fitting.
"Infatuation is caused by the addiction to the feeling a certain person gives you when you think about them. Fresh chemicals (ie. hormones, serotonin, etc.) are released into our brains each time we meet a new person. So each new person has a different unique feeling that they give us. When you become completely caught up in thinking about that person and the feeling they give you, you become "infatuated". Butterfly's in the stomach are caused by anxiety. Anxiety is the feeling of desperation when an event is not going how you would like it to. So... when you see that person and then aren't able to talk or be with them, you lose a sense of control both by being anxious and by the sudden release of chemicals that literally chemically bind you to that person. Many people find themselves in jail because of an infatuation (both men and women). It is definitely not childish to become suddenly caught up on someone that bumps into your life, but it is infatuation, which is bad, whether you're an adult or not. Marriages are broken every day because of how suddenly an infatuation to another person can happen. Infatuation = emotional addiction"
^^^^ That guy knows a thing or two.
Thanks for sharing your story. I am struggling with ending my affair so its nice to hear from people who have came out on the other side.
Much love ((((Needsgrace)))
Hey, Grace, it's nice to hear from you again. I remember your struggle like yesterday when you were on this board a year or so ago. I also remember you checking in last year to tell us your XMM had gotten D and then remarried. You were devastated if memory serves me correct. I also remember that you loved this man very deeply, so I can understand why you found yourself in this mess again. But....
Things/people do change, Grace. The memories get all jumbled up with the fantasies of our ex's,
~Iddy~