A is over, tell spouse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
A is over, tell spouse?
6
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:48pm

I am a 40 yo man who had a A w a friend. It never got past oral sex (5x over 18 mos), but emotionally we fell in love. My wife is suspicious and says she wont be a fool. My marriage and young kids more important to me in the world. I regret having done this, and will go to therapy, and do anything to save my relationship w my W.

OW is supportive friend who will disappear if necessary, but basically she is suggesting I NOT admit to A, since it was more friendship than sexual, and she thinks, based on my W's accusations and strong threats, that my W will leave me if I confirm her suspicions.

I will definitely go to therapy, with or w/o wife, but I dont know if it is a good idea to admit to A when so far I have denied it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 1:12pm

DENY, DENY, DENY, No I don't agree with you telling her. It will make matters worse. First you said she will leave you so you will lose her for sure. I was in an affair for many years with out my husband finding out. I have ended it and he still doesn't know. I know I learned my lesson and will never engage in that kind of behavior ever again. Some times the old saying should be followed " Somethings are best left unsaid " I will take it to my grave with me. I'm okay with knowing that I was the only one who got hurt in this mess I made for myself and didn't drag innocent people into it like my family and husband. Good luck to you
Healed

I know some will disagree with me and that is fine everyone is entitled to live their own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:26pm
Ditto. Don't tell. It's a way of unburdening yourself, while putting it all on her. It's not fair to do that. I say we shall all live with the guilt we created.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 7:52pm

I tend to agree with the others as well, but will add that if you believe the truth is going to come out and you cannot stop it then it is better that she here it from you rather then someone else.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 8:12pm

I have to ask, WHY is the wife suspicious. Have you acted differently around her, etc? This was part of the reason my xMM and I broke up (also extreme guilt he felt whenever he looked at his 4 yr old daughter). He did say his wife starting commeting to him that she knows he has a girlfriend and was on his case. I'm trying to figure out what he was doing to make her feel this way. Withdrawing, chaning routine (he said he didn't) but who knows. Maybe he looked really guilty. I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 9:41am

Hi Kats,

I dont think I was any different. In fact, I thought my relationship with her was BETTER, because I was less irritable. Maybe that change was enough. She said she could "tell" - smells - but you know what? There WERE none. No perfume. There was NO sex, except the times I mentioned, and I was careful abt them. My guess is that she knows me best, and saw a change in personality???? I too have tremendous guilt, and keep thinking about my kids and why did I risk them? I am being shredded apart internally, because I lied, and I want to fix things, but I dont think admitting, at least at this point, will help, since she is so set on leaving if she gets that answer (that she already knows!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 8:09pm

Ahdee

Well, my personal opinion... No matter what I wouldn't confess anything. As much as I'd like to come clean with my husband (he has no clue), I just can't hurt him like that and I know it devastate him. I don't think he'd leave me but I just don't want to hurt him. I think the only way I'd come clean is if he had physical proof and contronted me...

And I know my xMM had denied everything to his wife whenever she said she knew he had a girlfriend... He was also scared of losing his 4 yr old daughter too. I can only imagine what it feels like to be accused of cheating and wonder how you react in that face to face situation without looking guilty. I was thinking that its got to be something (the way you act or look or whatever) that a spouse would pick up on. Something you probably have absolutely no control over. Same thing with us, I made sure not to wear perfume or lipstick, etc. And I'm sure he showered after he got home anyway, I did as well.

I know that for me, I think I also paid more attention to my husband and tried to be so agreeable and not fight, etc. whenever I met with xMM... Just tried to act as normal as possible. And when I did have to deal with my guilt I brokedown on my own when he wasn't around and had enough time to get myself together before he came home.

So what are you going to do? What do you say to the wife whenever she confronts you?