A is over, but what about fantasies?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
A is over, but what about fantasies?
5
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:18pm

So part of my process to heal is to admit to others what I’ve done. I can’t think of where else to admit it so far, so this is where I am to first come out and say what has been going on. I am not sure if its something I can admit to my family or certain friends, or if its necessary, but I’ve come clean with my DH. It took quite the events to come to this moment in time, I’m happy that there are no more secrets, but still I feel there is something very special missing in my life.

The affair, I guess I can finally call it what it was and I need to keep admitting it, was borderline emotional affair, meaning it never crossed over to sex. No sex, but borderline and a lot of fantasy was involved. I think the no sex is what kept it so addicting really. We talked for at least 8+ hours a day for over 1-½ years on online chat and occasionally over the phone. We worked online through the same company and soon started to chat in our own chat room separate from the main chat. We flirted a lot, and it often ended up in the main chat room, which other coworkers started to comment on. In fact at one point, a co-worker said we were having an affair, which we both could not and would not admit to. OM himself had a girlfriend, who he was having trouble with. DH and I were having trouble as well. I did not want OM to be the purpose of my divorce and neither did he want to be. I did not want to be the cause of ending a 6 yr relationship he had with his girlfriend. We were stuck in the middle of wanting each other but realizing that it was not a possibility or it was just not the right way to go about it. At one point DH caught me in the act of being cuddly, because we started to chat outside of work hours and into the evening hours when DH was home. I started to delete my logs and hide my e-mails at this time so that DH did not know what was going on, I denied everything and admitted to only that I liked him as a friend. I had two love life’s going on at the same time and I guess they both filled up parts in my life that were missing from both. DH & I got many books on marriages/relationships, one in which said that an A could happen even if there is no sex involved. I was amazed, embarrassed, shocked, still not ready to admit it, but I read that section over and over. I finally told OM that I was trying to not delete my logs. I deleted his name off my online chat and I removed his e-mails. The only way to initiate chat with OM would be through work chat. He would still send me messages, in which I would try to keep them as short as possible. During this time, I would keep reminding myself that it is not real feelings and what I feel for him is at least 50% fake. I want to believe it is 100% real what I felt/feel and I do not want to let go of the fact that I loved him, or did I? It’s very confusing for me. I know that he has been moving past us from my actions, and it hurts me that he might think I don’t care for him anymore. Little do I know that I can’t move past our A, till I admitted to myself that I HAD AN AFFAIR.

This past weekend it all came to a halt and a quick realization of the situation. Even though OM and I rarely chat, as we are both very busy with other things we managed to have chitchat. I called him one of his pet names and it really upset him, as I have not called him any of them for well over 4-5 months. The next day he did a lot of jealous type of things, one was sending my DH an e-mail, saying that he loved me through an e-mail. Which I gladly caught, but realized the seriousness of the situation. I could tell he was really hurt and denying things and calling me irritating and annoying. And that he didn’t really love me at all. I really wanted to be dramatic and ask him why he was saying those things and get him to admit that he didn’t feel this way about me. I told him I was sorry he was acting like this, but I need to work on my marriage and my family. And that I was sorry, it was 100% my fault for causing such a mess and leading him on. I needed to admit that I was wrong and move on. I have never said that to OM straight forward that what we did was wrong, OM still won’t admit that we did anything wrong. He is still in this fantasy boat of that we had no sex, so we weren’t doing anything wrong. DH & I have been talking about this problem for a while, I just hadn’t come out and admit that I did have an A with OM. DH was relived that I wasn’t going to leave him. That broke my heart knowing that I had caused pain to 2 people that I both care for deeply.

The hardest thing for me is why I can’t stop thinking of OM’s feelings. I want to call him up so badly and tell him how much I care for him and that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings like this. I know he is hurt badly, especially now that I have made it clear that there is to be no taboo talking anymore. I know it’s for the best to end it and to sort out what is going on between DH and I. How can someone (me in particular), know it is wrong but still want it to so badly? Logically (which I always think logically, expect when it comes to OM) I should not talk to OM and I should work things out with DH. Even if things don’t work out with DH, I should give that a chance first and give it 100% of my attention. I have always taken the logic road, I really badly want to take the fantasy road this time. I know I hurt DH’s feelings too and I am doing everything I can to try to make sure I don’t hurt his feelings again. But I cannot control what is happening inside of me or can I?, what I am feeling for OM. It’s so obvious that I need to step away, take a look at the situation in a few months so I can better judge what I am feeling. Although, I said that exact it thing 6 months ago and I’m still in the same position. But I just need to figure out how to end my fantasies about OM. Time is suppose to make things better, but it feels like its making things worse since as time goes by and the less I chat with OM, the more fantasies I am having.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:35pm

nb,

I think if you initiate no contact, and stick with it for months, you will find that those feelings will go away.

You said '6 months ago', but have you ever had NO CONTACT with this guy?

It really works.

I understand about the logical/being not logical feelings. I came to the conclusion that the 'addiction' actually changes chemicals in your brain and therefore makes you unable to think straight. You have to break the addiction to see the light. It is damn hard, but it works.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 4:04pm
Oh my gosh, are these the feelings I am having right now. I started something up a month ago with my first love and even though I know I have to walk away and know all these fantasy feelings are not good, I so want to see him. It has been three days since we talked. We have seen each other every other week for the past month. I am hoping to god I get passed this. I too have to work on what is going on with my husband, give 100% and see where that leads. I know I have to, but can't get this other person out of my mind. I also wish you all the best. My thoughts are with you. ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 6:35pm

Thank you for your reply. Your right, during the past 6 months its been more of transitioning time with small contact here and there to keep reminding me. We were still defaulting on to our old patterns. Just yesterday, which is 3 days after I totally said no more, we were chatting in the main chat for work. It was just innocent, nothing flirty I think (ack) at all but we chatted. Just that alone makes me smile to no end for the rest of the day.

It is probably going to be impossible to have 0 contact, but I can come pretty close to it. I am not in the same department at work and we are now only scheduled at the same time for 2 hours in the evening. That leaves very small amount of time to have contact. I guess I will try to avoid the main chat room during this time and get off exactly when I’m off work to avoid having any further conversations.

I certainly hope it gets better, before I had hope we could be together I guess in the back of my head. But now I know its just not possible right now at all. I can’t keep having 2 relationships at the same time and expect anything good to come out of either of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 6:37pm
Your mind tends to play silly tricks of its own. We need to be 100% focused on our marriages/families, without those extra twists! :hugs: back to you and goodluck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 12:11am

You need to do at least 3 months of total not contact before your thinking and feeling is going to really clear up enough for you to get your priorities in order.

The truth is with these on line relationships what your in love with is the imagined person you have created by filling in the major gaps in your real world knowledge and experience with this person.

Your husband will have a hard time competeing with a fantasy man because you don't see his warts and other failings that he has hidden from you and that you have blinded yourself to so you can continue to do this.

Onless you and this man work on joint projects what reason do you have to chat with him during work ?

TOTAL NO CONTACT is the only way to give your marriage/family and husband a fair chance to survive, the first thing to do is to decide not to give yourself any excuses to be in contact with him.

JMNSHO

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