Overheard two women talking yesterday...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Overheard two women talking yesterday...
5
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:44pm
... And Mel's reply earlier to someone else made me remember this... I almost wanted to join in the conversation I heard...

I was shopping (lol - of course!) and the saleslady and her customer (I assume a friend of hers) were saying how hard it is to get over a relationship. I think they were talking about a divorce situation... and the one woman said that it would be easier if her X was dead. Not that she wished him to BE dead... but that knowing he is out there, walking around, and not with her BY CHOICE was so much harder than if he were taken from her life by some other circumstance, like if he was killed in some accident... And I really had to stop and think about that - I had never even thought of it in that way before...

Is part of why it's so hard to get over them because they are still out there and just choosing not to be with us (or we had to choose not to go with them)? Even if that choice is made because it is the right thing to do and we have a family (or they do, or we both do), it is still a choice and implies that another outcome (even if painful in a different way) would have been possible... is that the unfinished part of this that keeps us from healing more quickly?

And is that why NC is so helpful too? Almost as if they become "dead to us" by not being at all in our lives anymore, and thus we are less reminded that they are still out there walking around, living... just not with us...? What do you all think?

Must be philosophical Friday for me...

Glinda

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 8:35pm
Hmmm... I think that's a great debate, really. I definitely think it's difficult to know that you loved someone who is wonderful in your eyes, that you love, and you had to walk away. I know that's what's hard for me. My XMM is so darn beautiful inside, and Ughh I miss him like crazy every day. Part of me hates him ,too, for certain things he did and said to cause me more pain. I have mostly maintained N/C with him, and it really has felt in a way like he died. Here was this man, (best friend, really,) whom I shared both, the everyday, and the intimate things about me, and POOF! He was gone! Houdini strikes again!

SO, yeah, I totally think that the "what if?" is powerful. However, contact makes you think what-if more often than n/c because n/c means it is over, that person is out of your life.

On the other hand, I can see the benefit of contact,too. Like you, for example... you get to let out some of your feelings to your XMM, which can be healing. I would even venture to say that's ideal. You tell me! :)

Happy Philosophical Friday, lol! I have one more question, and BOY, this is the MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION I'VE asked yet: When you went shopping, did ya find any good sales?! LOL!!

~Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 9:08pm
Yes, Mel, the "what if" can keep us occupied for years on end, I think, if we let it... maybe that's why this is so hard... what if we'd met when we were single? what if he left his W? What if we were or weren't caught? What if we just kept on having the affair? what if what if what if...

I think it's good that I can let out my feelings to XMM... but ideal? Hardly... I told him again today that I wish he WOULD leave town with his new gf, only because then I wouldn't have to see him all the time and keep the wound as raw...

And, sadly, the answer to your last question - No - no good sales!!!

Glinda

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Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 11:22am
You know, I haven't thought about that, the wound staying fresh because you see him everyday. Yikes! You work with him? Ohhhh Glinda, I hope and pray something will change that for you, and soon! I cannot imagine seing XMM everyday, OUCH! But look at you, you are still making progress! That goes to show that if someone really wants to put the pieces back together, nothing can stop them! You're an awesome example and you are an amazing woman! Talk about perserverence!

What I was thinking was ideal was that you two were still on speaking terms, and that you had the chance to let those feelings out before ending contact. That would be ideal, to end contact knowing you understood eachother and had no hard feelings towards eachother. I so wish I had that chance, but I don't, and I accept that. My DH would have a major fit if I think about contacting XMM after what happened last night. Ohhh, that's a whole different story! I'll post it...

(((hugs)))

~Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 11:39am
Mel - what happened last night?????

I'll check later for your post... hope you're ok...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:08pm
100% agree with you on that! I think that them breaking promises is the hardest part. Sometimes i run across love letters from XMM and think "where did those feeling go?". Would have hurt less if he just die instead of stopped feeling them for me. And the notion that you waste all of those years or months and they end up with someone else cause they never really loved you, or didn't love you enough is heartbreaking adn makes you doubt every story of happy-ever-after.

--RT