OW talking to the MMs W

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
OW talking to the MMs W
3
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 6:28pm

I am trying to do the right thing. I am sick over my mistakes and do not want to make anymore. I am the OW and the MMs W has been calling me to try to find the truth. We do not know each other. I am not communicating with her husband.

It is too late to take it all back. Please help with how to go forward and not add to her pain.

My first instinct was to ask her to talk to her husband. She does not believe him. And from what she has asked me and the email he sent me, I know he is lying to her. He said he doesn't think she can take the truth for health reasons.

I have apologized, asked her to seek counseling, asked why she would believe me, asked what difference it would really make.

She is still calling me.

He says his marraige was only for the children. I was vulnerable for my own reasons and allowed myself to not think about the consequences.

This was not a one night stand. We met on a long term assignment away from home and immediately became friends. Within a month we were together nearly every night all night. Had breakfast, lunch and dinner together. Talked all night, cried and laughed together.

I fell in love with him and he says he has with me. We had intermittent discussions about what we should do but never did the right thing. We stopped working together several months ago but he still travels and we were still seeing each other.

We met a year ago and she confronted him with it on Monday. There is already enough pain for all of us. I especially do not want to add to her pain since she is the only innocent party. It is not her fault. We made the mistake.

Do I continue to avoid her questions or let her know that her husband is still lying to her?

I am seeking help for myself. I know I need it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:46pm

Facingit

Your going to get different answers to your questions but I am going to give you my opinion for what ever it is worth.

Anwser and questions she asks honestly and completly ONE TIME ONLY then end all contact with her and him.

LET HER decide what she can handle and what she wants to know, you cannot believe XMM about anything he say concerning her he has clear motives to LIE.

Take care that your motivations for answering the questions comes from a honest desire to make amends to her and not for any other reasons.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 10:44am

Facingit2,

It is not your responsibility to be the bearer of the truth to his wife. That's his responsibility. You don't really say what she asks you, but I think your idea of telling her to talk to her husband is a good one. Obviously, she knows deep down inside what the truth is, or she wouldn't be continuing to pursue it. And probably, his saying he can't tell her the truth for health reasons is a just a cop-out. If it were me, I'd tell him that probably the most loving thing he can do for her, as well as for you, is to just get honest about it with her. He doesn't need to go into all the details. She already knows. She just needs confirmation, and THAT would probably be the best thing of all for her health. Tell him that he needs to deal with it, and then change your phone number. You don't need to keep talking to her. I'm sure you're doing it because you feel guilty. And perhaps a little curiosity of your own as to what's going on with them. But cutting off the communication would be good for you. But let him deal with his wife. She's his wife. You don't even know her.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 2:00pm
"I especially do not want to add to her pain since she is the only innocent party.".............Yes she is and as the innocent one she should not be lied to. IMO you should tell your OM to tell her the truth or you will. If he doesn't, then you tell her. If he does tell her, follow up with a one time conversation to confirm it. You might apologize again and then have no more contact with her. Isn't this what you would like done if you were in her shoes? If you do this I believe it will make you feel better and help to regain some self-esteem which you've lost. Best of luck with your decision.