iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2014
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 1:01pm

Need some friends who have similar experiences.  2 wks ago my affair partner endied the affair.  We are both married, but have been friends for over 30 years and have contact for those thirty years.  I understand the affair is wrong, but how can  someone walk away after so long without so much of an apology?  I have not contacted him, but i want to so badly.  I dont know what his status is, ie left, working his relationship out etc.  I just want this feeling of loss to go far away

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: anongrl
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 3:03pm

Welcome to EAS, Anongrl

I'm sorry your affair partner seems to have disappeared without a trace.  That's how affairs can be. Perhaps his wife became suspicious...perhaps he's had a full-blown discovery day. You may never know.  And making contact could either escalate his situation or bring on a full-blown discovery day.  So, you don't want to go there.  You'll just to accept that something changed on his end.

I know it hurts. You will have to grieve out like any other loss you have suffered in life...knowing it will get better over time. 

I know it's hard to see it now, but in time you will see it as the turning point in your life when you began your journey of self-discovery.  You said you know it is wrong, so you'll need to figure out why you went there. What was going on in your life...your marriage...what voids were you trying to fill - things like that. Of course, they are reasons that did not excuse us.

Read what you can here...other posts (because the answers to questions you may have...or didn't even know you have can be found in the collective responses) our Healing Library...the Baggagereclaim site.

And keep posting in for support.  You'll make it through all this with proactive steps and some hard work ony yourself. I wish we could just wave a magic wand to make the pain go away, but then the pain wouldn't spur us on to find the lesson we all need to learn.



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: anongrl
Sat, 06-07-2014 - 11:47pm

An apology will NOT make you feel better.   He told you he was going to try to work it out with his wife.  He didn't disappear.  He can't continue talking to you if he wants to work it out with his wife!  He has nothing to apologize for anyway, you were both equally involved, and he decided to end it.  You now need to concentrate on your own marriage.  That will ease the lonliness.  There is no point in making contact, because he doesn't want to talk to you.  The feeling of loss will go away when you accept his decision, and then proceed to fill your life with something your husband and family.  They are your real priority in life.  Losing a person that's important to you is like a death.  It's a shock, you cry a little, then you realize there is nothing to do to change it, you MUST accept it and move on with your life. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2014
In reply to: anongrl
Mon, 07-07-2014 - 3:41pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
In reply to: anongrl
Thu, 07-17-2014 - 8:58am
Well I'm hoping you can just ignore Sarah's response - because that is hooey. This board saved me years ago. Fissatore is right - an apology will not make you feel better, I mean what is he going to say that will make it all right? Hey sorry I cheated on my wife to be with you, but now I don't want to do this anymore? he doesn't owe you anything unfortunately, even tho it feels like he should. I mentioned the same message in my post to Kitai (sp?) - there is no answer that will make you feel better. Are you here because you are also leaving the A? You mention that he has left, but I'm not sure if you are wanting to continue a relationship out of your marriage or with his absence you want to end this and either fix yourself and your marriage? Are there kids? My A was also with a friend I've known 30+ years. Hope you are doing well.