Is this part of the bubble?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Is this part of the bubble?
9
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:32pm

Hello all...

Haven't posted since last week. Hope all of you are holding strong through your journey or on the way to making the final decision to end the A.

I will not lie...I have had contact. I kept my resolve for 1.5 days. After I let him have a piece of my mind. He responded in anger (naturally). I didn't respond/react to his email and felt good about my decision to ignore. Friday...I went to work and acted as if I really could careless. No emails/no calls. Then, he called that evening. Saying he didn't deserve what I said and it took everything in him to break down and call me. Blah! Blah!

Anyways over the last few days, I have come to realize that "I chose" to place alot of emotional significance to this affair. In a way, it helped me rationalize what I was doing. If I didn't really care for him, why would I be willing to risk my marriage, my family for him? So I chose to believe everything I felt was real. I didn't want to face the truth that I would risk everything just for sexual pleasure, just because I was lonely. That...after all...would make me shallow. I wanted to believe the reason I couldn't let it go was because I was "in love." Don't know if this makes sense because I just don't know how to express what I feel in words. So I am wondering if this is part of the A bubble that some elude too? Is the fog starting to lift? Is realizing this...progress?

I don't love him. I don't know him. He is not someone I would have given a second look at had I'd been single. As soon as he showed his true self, I would have walked....ran for the door. I would not have put up with him in any other circumstance. I made the A into something more because my whole "life" was at risk.

I hung up on him tonight. I reached the end of his rope that he was hanging me with. It was petty, but it was the last nail in the coffin. I wanted him to burn me this CD of his. He was on the phone talking to me...looking through his CD album trying to find it. He said...I'll just bring the CD book to you tomorrow and you can look through it and find the CD. I said....you can't even take the time to do this small, nice thing for me and hung up. That was it!!!!! This man that I care for....supposedly fell in love with....couldn't spend 5 minutes or less to look for this CD for me. Not 5 minutes. It has all finally come together. All the nights of me crying my eyes out, wasting hours upon hours of my thoughts, of my energy on HIM...and he couldn't even take 5 minutes to do something nice for ME. After all this, it took a CD to bring this to a close. I have to LOL! A CD to open my eyes. If you have read any of my other post, you would see the humor in this. All the lies, other women, mood swings....why couldn't "this CD" have happened 2-3 months ago? I think this time is different. He didn't even try to call relentlessly like he normally would have previously when he would hear dial tone.

But, I am OK this time. I don't want him to "try and fight" for me to come back. If he never dials my phone number again, never emails me again, never looks/speaks to me at work again.....that never would come to soon. I will make it! Now, I need to focus on my DH homecoming (in 2 weeks), loving my children, the rest of our lives together as a family, and cleaning my much neglected house :-).

Thanks for reading this long babble.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 11:39pm

SS

Yes it is, this discovery does not mean your done on the emotional ride but you on your way now.

Give yourself some credit most don't learn what you have learned that quickly.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:57am

more power to you

FREE, r u there ? this is Max, its almost over for me Free, i hope

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:16am

Free-

Thanks. I remember one of my first posting here you told me something to the affect/effect (?) that I need to stop letting my emotions be my driving force (in so many words). I didn't understand what you meant. Now...I am understanding better.

Honestly, I know I haven't reached the end of the emotional chaos. I think the mind has a way of "buffering" you, keep you numb from suffering the full emotional destruction of something this self-detructive. That's how I have been feeling lately. Numb....not wanting to think about this any more.

Max-
I have read your post. Your male perspective has helped many others here. It is going to be painful, but you HAVE to take each day as it comes. Do yourself a huge favor....stop contacting her. When and if she is ever ready to give you an explanation for her actions, she will. YOU ONLY HAVE CONTROL OF YOURSELF! All the wanting, needing, calling, emailing, texting, etc...is NOT going to make a difference. You are traumatizing yourself by trying over and over to contact her because when your attempts go unanswered, it makes you feel even more rejected and helpless. TRY REALLY HARD!!!!

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 7:32am

Hi Sunshine

It seems like you have gotten to a place where you really dont want this anymore. That is great. It will make the acceptance part easier whihc I think has been my hardest obstacle. I can tell you that xMM and I have emailed twice this week. But no matter b/c I am for the first time feelign better. It may not be what I wanted i but I can do this. I am finding my own life again. I still miss him and think about him a lot but it is been better this week.

SO you may be sad but you will move beyond this.

MAx- Same for you.. i cried for days and was so sad. I didnt believe when peopel here told me it would get better but it has..slowly but looking back from the beginning, it is better.

I wish you lots of strength. Just reread your post next timem you feel weak!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 8:57am

Bria-

I've been thinking of you. Glad to hear you are feeling stronger. One day at a time....right? I feel darn good today. I think working out has helped a great deal. Poor treadmill...when I feel like I can't go anymore...I think of him and this situation and take my anger and frustration out. Hopefully....that can continue to be my motivation and I will look like Beyonce/J. Lo byt the end of the summer. LOL! I wish.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:24am

Great Sunshine!

You sound very strong! Maybe it took a little time to get where you knew it was right to really end it! Keep going! You are well ahead of many who just start out (again..LOL).

Thats what treadmills are for..to beat up!!

Have a great day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:21am

Sometimes the realization of what is fundamentally wrong with the A makes you suddenly have 20/20 vision. I had the same thing occur to me and it really makes you view things from a different perspective.

Me and him still attempt to have civil conversations on the computer once in awhile, but its apparent to me more and more that me and him really are very different people. We were initally drawn together out of a physical attraction when we were introduced thru mutual friends, and we should have just let it be that. Because as time went on, I was seeing him as a man I could never really have a REAL relationship with anyway.

However, the difference in my situation was that I really did fall hard for this man, not the fantasy, but the man. That made it worth the risk, as you had described it. But once I was becoming aware of the person he is and how we keep butting heads on every issue, plus the fact that we never had intended to leave our spouses to be together anyway, .. I got to the point where I was saying to myself "what the hell are you doing, you're risking everything for someone you don't have a future with, nor do you WANT a future with..and worse than that, someone who is making you very unhappy now".

So I am trying to ease the pain by re-directing the bad feelings and reminding myself that me and him had some wonderful times together, but that is something we can never get back because we are who we are...married to other people, plus very, very different in many aspects. I am determined to make myself understand that me and him had our moment in time, but it's over now and I need to live in the here and now. That's what getting out of the bubble is for me. Living in the REALITY of what IS, not what we want it to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 11:15am

<>

This is so true!!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 6:11pm

Hp-

<<>>

When him and I were physically together, it was fantastic. Sex wasn't all. We did lots of things together and shared sooooooo many laughs. But...we don't get along any other time. If I ignored some of his stupid comments and let more things slide, he would think everything was perfect. But, I am not like that all. If I don't like something he says to me or his tone, I make it known. So there were many, many conflicts.

He didn't email or call me so far today. We seen each other at work...neither of us spoke. And...I was really ok with that. I don't miss him. It's the habits that are hard to break, but knowing DH is coming home soon those nightly phone calls would have stopped soon anyways. Why not get a head start?

I did get sad for a brief moment today when I stopped in the convenience store after work. I was at the register and my boss (not my MM) was joking with the cashier about harassing me. Then...he said...she (me) is a great lady. And, the cashier said she is....she is always very pleasant and nice when she comes in here. It felt good to hear those nice things about myself coming from a stranger and my boss. So that made me think....darn....why didn't he see what a "nice" person I am if strangers can? Weird...I know. As you have read, it's always the little things that trigger me...like the CD...LOL.

SS