Past coming back to haunt me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Past coming back to haunt me
2
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:52am
Well, its been a heck of a week. I had a gut-wrenching session with my therapist on Tuesday which is still haunting me. I've got some other personal issues which have nothing to do with this board. Last night XMM left me a message.

My T's advice was to have no contact with XMM under any circumstances and try to identify what's causing the urge to hear from. Last night I think I got an answer.

I grew up in a horribly dysfunctional family. My father was a raging drunk and I was often woken up in the middle of the night by him on a tirade. It went on for my entire childhood. I was terrified of this man. I think my childhood experience left me also searching for an escape from a situation (I clearly see that pattern in my life), and more importantly, an escape from being in a family. Well fast forward to 41 years old, I find myself part of my own family - H, DD, and DS. It seems to me that I spent the 2 years separated from my DH trying to sabatoge (spelling?) my connection with my family, and whenever I feel too trapped by being wife and mother, I get the yen to contact XMM because he isn't, and never will be, part of my family. Does this sound familiar to anyone else out there?????

I know I'm sharing way more here than I need to, but I have 2 older brothers, both of whom abruptly ended their marriages and never went back. No marriage counseling, no trial separation, nothing. Just up and left and never looked back. I'm struggling against all of my natural instincts to stay with my DH and children, and its so, so difficult for me. And the really screwed up thing is that I love DH and ADORE my children. There's just something about feeling part of a family that makes me feel suffocated.

So know that I've figured this out, what the heck am I going to do to stop my desire to contact XMM? I thought when we understood why we were doing what we do, we stop wanting to do it. UGH. I feel an uphill battle coming on...

Feeling sad, overwhelmed, and desperate for a boost. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:35pm
Hi Mo!

Gosh you were doing so well!!! I totally hear you about trying to escape the pressures of "real life" and you are right, with XMM we dont have to deal with any of the stresses of life. So it feels good and sometimes all reason goes out the window when we start having that anxiety attack kinda feeling. Although, when you think of contacting him, remember how far you have gotten and how long it took you to get to that point!!!!! Is it worth contacting him now and starting the process all over again?? Because we all know that, that is exactly what happens. You also know that if you give into this, you will feel like crap after and it wont be worth it.

It must be difficult to handle so much pressure that is thrown your way but dont let XMM be your escape. See if you can find another form of escape from reality that may feed into that feeling. Believe me I know its hard...I almost caved yesterday BUT it was the first time ever that I didnt react to my anxiety by contacting him. I think I heard this from you in one of your posts...and it popped into my head "ride the emotion through...go through the feeling..." (or something like that) Anyway, you know i did do that and in about 1 hour I started feeling better. I am also PMSing right now and so the hormones are out of control. That time of month always makes me do rational and illogical things.

Hang in there Mo. You know you can do this. Big hugs and kisses to you.

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:27pm
Hi Mo!

It's good to see you! :)

I know exactly what you mean about escaping the pressures of real life. For me, this has been a very recent thing. I had the nearly-perfect childhood, but in the course of about a year and a half, I lost 2 immediate family members unexepectedly a few months apart, both parents got separate life-threatening illnesses, found out my dad is an alcoholic and might leave my mom, work kicked in overdrive and i got really swamped, and some family members became heavily involved in a bitter custody dispute. Until this past year, I'd been very lucky to have a pretty happy, normal life. Well, all of this happened right after my wedding, so H and I lost that valuable honeymoon period and focused more on getting through the grief than each other. So I was feeling disconnected from H, was completely depressed about all of the loss I'd endured, and XOM started flirting and giving me such attention. It was MY little secret that I didn't have to share. It was about medicating myself. It gave me something else to focus on...not doctors, hospitals, family drama, or the pain of missing the ones I lost. I also started drinking more. Not a LOT, but I used it as my other drug of choice. I had to drink a couple of glasses of wine to get through dinner with my family, or while sitting at home at night with H when I couldn't be in contact with XOM. I also began to drink more around XOM as an excuse to relax my judgement. I got very selfish.

Well, the bad started outweighing the good. XOM backed off and was not available to me every time I needed a fix. And after a fix, he always backed off, leaving me in severe withdrawals. I started drinking a little more. I got into therapy and was doing great. Had a setback last weekend with him and found myself still feeling high, but sick about it at the same time the next morning. Terrible feeling!!! Craving him but knowing how bad that is and that it needs to end. So here I am again. Working back up to get past this.

I wish I had some sage advice for you. I really don't know what the answer is. My therapist advised me to schedule fun time for myself and not feel guilty about it at all. Nights out with the girls, spa trips, etc. I agree with her, but I am still at the point that that doesn't sound all that appealing to me yet. The escape of the A permeated all my thoughts and gave me something to think about when I needed to. I doubt I will obsess over a manicure for days! :) I know that it's still good advice, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Hopefully soon. I will go through the motions anyway and hope my heart will follow!

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone at all!

Big hugs, Mo!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby