pathetic again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
pathetic again
12
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 9:34pm

I haven't been on here in ages. I have been married 10 years with  a small child and having A with married man for 2+ years. He crushed me 4 months in and ended things in a very hurtful way. Through the help of this forum I went NC for 5 weeks. He then contacted me clearly looking for playtime. I avoided for a while but then felt oddly flattered and craved that excitement and attention. We began again but this time, he apologized for ending thjngs, said he got scared snd said he still loved me. All the things I'd been dying to hear. Things went along great. We spoke and texted endlessly, became best friends and spoke about being together but there was always some mistrust and jealousy. The relationship seemed like me doing alot of ego stroking and i was always there for him and seeing each other seemed to be on his time and my dime. But whenevet jealousy struck on his end, i did whatever it took to make him see i wouldnt hurt him and I meant it. I love him like no other. Writing      this, I do question why but he made me feel so special, so  connected and I could truly feel his love for me. But when i was upset with him or gave him a tough time, he would just walk away which always turned into me chasing, crying, convincing him to try again. Things were great for a while until 2 dsys ago when i questioned him and not so nicely attacked him via text due to my jealousy. I caught him in a lie and when i called him out on it he just replied 'you're attacking me.goodbye. I'm done. Dont contact me'. Of course I then apologized but although I know he lied I find myself beating myself up over my behavior. I feel so crazy I dont't even know anymore if this is acceptable. Please help... I now want to go back to my ways of begging and pleading. I feel like I've been punched in the gut and can't handle this. How can he just give up and forget?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 10:05am

anyone out there? I'm really obsessing today. it amazes and hurts me so much that only 4 days ago he was saying i love you forever, every bit of you and after one fight he can just run for the hills and not look back. Was it all a lie??? He knows me better than anyone and knew this would kill me, knows my insecurities and promised ao much. I can't put it to rest. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 10:14am

anyone out there? I'm really obsessing today. it amazes and hurts me so much that only 4 days ago he was saying i love you forever, every bit of you and after one fight he can just run for the hills and not look back. Was it all a lie??? He knows me better than anyone and knew this would kill me, knows my insecurities and promised ao much. I can't put it to rest. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 10:53am

I don't understand.  You're married with a small child.  How much time do you have to deal with this guy?  And you're jealous?  All I can tell you is that if a man is willing to have an affair with a married woman, it's obvious that he doesn't respect commitment, and if he will cheat with you, he will cheat ON you.  Of course he makes you feel good.....that's how he gets what he wants.  You need to learn to feel good for yourself, and if you're marriage isn't making you feel good about yourself, then maybe the problem is there, and you need to do something to fix it or to end it.  Your small child won't be small forever, and children have an uncanny way of detecting problems, even when they don't understand them.  You need to learn to love yourself and understand that until and unless you can do that, you can't expect it from someone else.  That will take care of the jealousy, too.  I've known some cheaters, and they never can find what they're looking for because they're not looking within themselves.  Work on your own self esteem.....and life will be better for you.  Good Luck!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 11:59am

Good morning, Time4changeagain

I'm sorry you are hurting...sorry, too, that you went back for more.  If you were here ages ago, you'll remember that affairs are all about lies and disrespect.  He's lying, you're lying and everyone's disrespecting their vows (and even if one is not married, they are colluding with someone to), their marriage, their children, themselves. I'm old and wiser now and it seems so obvious, it didn't back then, 'what did we expect?'  We teach people how to treat us, and if we are running roughshod over, and disrespecting, everyone, there are plenty of people to exploit that weakness...in general, people just follow our lead.  Well, not everyone..healthy people would flat out refuse to participate...but we will attract those of the same ilk.  Frankly, we are easy to give up on and forget.

I don't know what we woman think.  Some how we got the crazy notion that if we give and give and give, we will get that back and they will love us.  It couldn't be further from the truth.  Think back at a time when someone appeared to fall all over you, when you know you didn't do anything to deserve it.  You don't think too much of that person because, well... they make you feel guilty and they look weak for falling all over you because they can't see, or ignore, that you don't really deserve that kind of attention. They are just idolizing you due to their projection of who they 'think' you are.  This is all my theory of course. But men like to have to work hard for their prize...just like the lion who wants his own kill.  If a dead mouse just throws itself at his doorstep, it's 'talk to the paw...not interested..didn't kill it."  That's what most of us women become...a dead mouse acting as a doormat.  That does not elicit respect or attraction.  And that is what appears to happen to most in affairs, men just want to have fun, the minute the fun stops, they pull away and we act like cling-ons...total turn off.  I don't know if any of that made sense to you, but it sure does to me.

Anyway, I'm going to suggest that you get yourself into counseling to address your issues.  It was the best thing I ever did for myself.  To learn what made me tick and then make adjustments so I was a healthier me.  Most of us find that we lack healthy coping skills and many of our issues stem from childhood experiences.  A good therapist will help you get to the bottom of your 'whys', help discover what voids you were trying to fill, steer you towards healthier endeavors to fill them.

Most affairs have nothing to do with love.  There's a thread in our Healing Library that addresses this...something about affair love vs. authentic love.  It's worth your time to read that.  There are a lot of good threads in our Healing Library to help you though.  And the Baggage Reclaim site is one of the most amazing sites ever in helping us gain a better perspective.

If you've been away from EAS for a while, ivillage did a major switch over in October of 2012 and it didn't go well with many many problems that couldn't seem to be corrected...people got frustrated and simply left.  There are some hangers-on, though :)

I check in regularly throughout the day, so please keep posting in.  I know you are in pain, and need to talk things through.  This crisis in your life is an opportunity to do some heavy soul searching. Affairs, all our relationships, reflect back at us who we are/;where we are at in life.  You have a child who needs a mom who is 'present', and she/he is looking to you to learnn how to navigate through life...it's important to set a good example.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 12:57pm

Thank you both for the heavy dose of reality. I just keep thinking of i call jim ans explain why i freaked out, things would be back to normal.yes i most definitely have issues to work on. This pain is unbearable. My concern has always been for my child but problem is i noticed i'd be more attentive as a mom after that text or call and felt great.so i became in need of it.i know NC is best but i feel so lost without his voice or love. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 1:01pm

Can i get an opimion on his way of ending? Am i right to questiin my behavior and words? Was his reaction appropriate for someone eho says he loves me?? I am asking here in hopesof avoiding seeking these answers from him. It's so crazy making. Is the end it/ restsrt it pattrrn typical to A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 1:09pm

I'm only less than 2 months out of my affair, but some things in your post resouded with me.

You said "Things were great for a while until 2 dsys ago when i questioned him".  He got mad at you and told you to go away.  The same thing happened to me...I started asking too many questions and XAP asked for space.  Then he dumped me.

You know the old saying I'm sure...fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, same on me.  It goes the same (I believe) for hurt.  XAP dumped me once.  TEXTED nme goodbye.  Then came back crying.  Told me he loved me and wanted to spend his LIFE with me.  Two days after, he texted me goodbye again, and there has been NO contact since.

I'm pretty fresh out of my affair and things are raw, but I have picked up a few things since the fog has begun to lift (though it's still foggy sometimes).

I too spent much of my time convincing him my love was true.  That I wouldn't hurt him.  He would ASK me to tell him how much I loved him.  Funny, I wasn't receiving the same validation back however.  There is a problem with that.  Below is an excerpt from a website that I really like...

Instead of wondering why the hell this guy doesn’t want you, you should be asking yourself why the hell you want him and why you want him to want you!

From the moment that someone decides that they no longer want you or that they no longer value you or the relationship enough to want to try and they make the decision to opt out, you need to start working towards not wanting them either.

Wanting people that don’t want you, nevermind respect, value, love, or care about you, is a surefire sign that you have lost your way.


There's this too which also helped me...


This means that even a man told you he loved you a million times in the first three months but has been different for the last year, you process that information and realise that talk is cheap – It doesn’t matter what they’ve said before – either something has changed or it wasn’t real, and either way, they are not giving you what you want. There is this part of us that can be oversimplified and it comes down to this:

Just because someone told you something, doesn’t make it so. Harsh, but true. Yes it’s shitty, yes it hurts, yes it’s disappointing, but how much of your time do you want to allocate to someone analysing why he said something, how he said it, and why it isn’t so anymore?


I guess what I am trying to say, from all of these random excepts from Baggage Reclaim (website you should REALLY check out), is that I know all too well how it is to be stuck, wondering WHY he said all the things he did, and then ran?  Was none of it real?  WHY can't I let go?  WHY do I cry and beg and plead and bargain?  WHAT happened to me?


PLEASE, PLEASE keep no contact.  It is the ONLY thing that will help for awhile, even though yeah, it hurts like hell.  Don't give him the third chance to mess with your head and hurt you.  Time will provide you with clarity, although it doesn't happen fast.  I still have MANY unclear days.


I would also recommend to see a therapist if you can.  Mine has done wonders for me.  Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 1:18pm

Just saw your last post here.  I don't know if there is a "typical" ending to an affair.

As I said earlier, my XAP dumped me after we had spent a whole weekend togther.  I mean, making love, talking, cuddling weekend.  He dumped me.  By text.  Changed his lock on his apartment (of which he had moved into two weeks earlier after leaving his GF of 12 years).  It was a BLOW.

I thought that if he had left her, that was a good sign right?  Guess not.  But he came back.  The next day.  Sucker me..I went to see him.  He cried, told me how very sorry he was.  And I agreed to give him a second chance.

Not two days later, I started asking him some questions.  Nothing too difficult, but he didn't like it.  Told me he needed space.  For "his kids".  Yeah right.  Anyways, I gave it to him.  After a LOOOONG weekend, I called him.  Begged him to tell me we would be ok.  This is where his promises came in.  "I love you, I want to spend my LIFE with you.  Just give me some space.  We are fine, I PROMISE".

The very next day, he dumped me again.  By text.  I WILL NOT BE A PARTY TO A THIRD TIME!!!!!!

The no contact KILLED me.  Especially since he lives next door.  Some days I barely functioned.  I couldn't believe it.  After we took a weeks vacation together, after he cried when he made love to me, after ALL the words and moments.  HOW could he just call it done???

Well, I dont know how.  But he did.  And it doesn't really matter how.  I know he cared for me.  But he didn't care for me ENOUGH.  And that's the bottom line.

Please believe me when I say I know how you hurt, and I am so very sorry for that.  But give it time.  I was dumped on November 18th.  Today, well, it's a pretty good day.  I laready find that I have a little insight that I didn't have before.  I KNOW I am better.  Not a lot, but a little.

Please, no contact.  Message me if you get the urge.  You WILL get better, I promise.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 1:31am

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/quit-seeking-a-rejection-retraction/

Please read this, Time.

Post in and let us know how you are holding up.  You were fighting the urge to grovel...I hope you won!

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 9:58am

All great info. Thank you for sharing. I'm holding up, thanks to you guys and lots of good reads. I ask myself why I'd even want someone in my life who runs from conflict so easily and after so much time and intimate moments and talking of being together he would be so immature as to not give me the respect to pick up the phone and end it. But he knows my feelings about this and my childhood issues and how to hurt me most which really is just cruel. 

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