Pathetic excuses

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Pathetic excuses
14
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:12am

I always give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but in this situation it is just to far out there and I have to see it for what it is, MM is on vacation, and promised he would call(he never calls me from home or on weekends) Well when on line the other night I told him I was waiting for him to call and his pitiful excuse was he couldnt find a pay phone that wasnt exposed, it has been raining here for days , oh how dumb does he actually think I am, it was the final straw for me.....When he is here he has wonderful words of love and devotion and he expresses what he is feeling, but when he is home he compartmentalizes his feelings so well, that contact is little or none....this was the end for me, to think that I am not intelligent enough to see a lie for what it is....
It would have been easier if he would have just said he was sorry instead of making up some pathetic excuse, but then again I am realizing that the A is about excuses that we make to ourselves and everyone else......

Am I over reacting on this....does his excuses sound as flimsy to you as it does to me?
I can walk away much easier to someone who lies to me, especially when they think I am not intelligent enough to see it....

Imagine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:00am

Imagine,

All I can say is, if he REALLY wanted to talk to you, he would've found a way. I only know this because my XMM went through EXTREME measures to talk to me and could have lost his job with some of the crazy things he did to come and see me for a few minutes! I realized that towards the end, these measures began tapering off and excuses became more and more. I would consider what your MM told you to be just that, EXCUSES!!!!He is lying to you, there is always a way!! I hope you can find the strength to walk away! GOod luck!

Pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:34am

I am one that can see an excuse if he told me he ran to the store for bread. My antenaes were always up when it came to XMM, and geeze, I wonder why. We enter into these relationships lying from the start. I would hear the lies he told his wife on the phone when he was with me, then wondered when he told me the reasons he couldnt meet me for lunch, if he was lying to me the same he was lying to her. Let me tell you, as time went on, there wasn't a thing he would tell me that I didn't anaylze over and over for some loophole to find his lie in.

Maybe his reason was valid, but even the valid ones will sound like an excuse because that's where you and I are coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:40am
Imagine reading your post all I can think of is that you are so upset because this man, who is married and on vacation with his family hasn't called you? Really think about that. Is this what you want for yourself, sitting around waiting for some other womans husband to call you? What is important is YOU! Why are you chosing this for yourself? I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you deserve so much more from life. There is so much more out there if you let this go, you make room for something else to come into your life....JMHO....kc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 9:13am

He is lieing when he tells you the things you need to here for him to get what he wants when he is with you and he is LIEing when he comes up with his lame excuses for not contacting you.

If a man really wants to be with you or even talk to you he will move heaven and earth until he does, if he needs you he will not rest until he has you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 9:19am

Sometimes the harshness of reality needs to be said, and you are correct in assuming that I let this man take up to much space in my mind. I have been depressed since he left and now I am angry, far to many emotions to waste on someone who isnt even mine. But the reality of what I put myself through fot the last 9 months hit me in the head with one shallow excuse. I have always known I deserve more and I am no longer waiting ....
I have told him no contact and hope that this time he knows I mean it and respects my decision, when I see him everything turns to mush.....but I am stronger and more confident than I have ever been, and I have to make him see this.....I can already hear the excuses he will have when he returns ..

Thank you for your raw honesty
Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:26am
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Edited 5/27/2005 10:28 am ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:30am

Imagine, I'm confused. First you say:

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THEN you say:

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AND THEN:

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If you told him no contact and you really mean it, why were you waiting for him to call and so upset that he didn't?
Also, if you really meant no contact and expect him to respect that, why are you expecting to hear excuses from him when he returns? You shouldn't be expecting to hear from him at all right?

Stick to your guns, HE is not causing you depression and anger, you are bringing it upon yourself. It's clear that you have SAID no contact but are still expecting it and go into a frenzy when he doesn't. You are confusing him with your mixed messages and sabotaging your own happiness. I know it's always easier to see things more clearly from the outside looking in, but I hope you can recognize this. If you don't, it's going to be a long haul (longer than usual) for you.

Cow girl up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 3:28pm

Ok in my anger I wented and rambled and did not put it to words correctly LOL, sorry my fingers flew as fast as my brain was thinking...

After our on line discussion which was brief and filled with excuses as to why he had not called as he said he would, I told him that he needs to leave me alone no contact at all, and I called him a liar, I hate to name call he knows this, but I hate liars more.

He comes back from his vacation tuesday and do I think he will adhere to the NC, realistically NO.....I have told him on several occasions that we need to end this, and he has always shown up offering a little more of himself.....and softening my heart, I am angry this time and I am seeing things that I have not looked at to deeply before and I as much mad at him as I am myself. I think he will show up at my job tuesday with more excuses and something simple, the last time he wore sneakers it was a dumb thing I know but it meant alot to me.....Yes although I have told him in no uncertain terms to leave me alone, I do not think he will honor it and I have to be ready to be strong and face that......or he will catch me off guard, he did the last time and I caved....not this time I am done.

I hope this explains it in the way that it happened, I have honestly tried to break it up with him on many occasions but I have never been angry about it, and the last time I did I felt really good about ending it, now I am really mad and I hope this lets him no how serious I am about walking away ......

Just because you tell a man no contact does not mean he will respect that, he has thoughts in his head that he is never going to let me forget him, that he will not let me go.....well the decision isnt his to make it's mine and I am making it.....

I am so done

Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 6:37pm


Imagine,
Good girl for making up your mind to end it, now the hard part starts. I have been in your exact same shoes so I know what you are going through and feeling. There is a certain amount of fear in connection with the thought that you may never see HIM again, I know that.

My EMA ended back in Aug. I tried to keep him as my friend. It doesn't work. It always came down to him wanting me to meet him for sex. I finally realized that he wasn't interested in a "friendship" the way I was. All he wanted was to be "bonk buddies". He really couldn't be bothered with anything other than that.

Like you, I had enough. I went away without a word. I deleted my email, blocked him from seeing me online and/or IMing me and changed my number. After a full month I can honestly say that I feel much better for doing it, I really thought after a few weeks I would miss him a lot but funny thing....I don't. The emotional roller coaster ride I was on was making my mind, body and soul sick.

It helps when you realize that the OMM just aren't that "into" you unless it involves sex. Is that what you want for yourself? I know you have pride and self respect, it's just temporarily burried under all the A gunk. I am going back into the archives from when I was on the board a lot months back. There are a few posts which helped me tremendously and I am going to re-post them, I hope they help you as well. Also, this board was a godsend to me in helping me with my exit from the physical A nine months ago. The emotional part lingers for a long time after the physical has ended, so I still peek in every now and then for a little boost. It's not an easy road ahead, that's for sure but don't fight the pain and anger, let it happen. It's all part of the grieving process and actually helps you to heal faster. We are here for you to listen and support you.
Hang in there, YOU CAN DO IT!

Have a wonderful, peaceful weekend.

CGU

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 9:03pm

Thank you~

The hardest part will be facing him, which I know will happen, and I am ready for it, no tears, no remorse, no looking back. Ok it all sounded good didn't it, but regardless I am prepared, email is blocked, his beeper no. taken out of my phone, and no I will not answer it if it rings....I am hoping it will be easier than the laat few times but every time I try to step away, it does get easier for me and harder on him~or so he says, I don't know why it just does, and our daily contact has been cut down drastically in the last few month because of his job. I know in his mind he has been waiting for me to find a comfortable place in this affair, and it is not possible for me I knew if I were to ever become comfortable with it I would not be able to walk away....

Your support has helped and most definitely improved my mood, I feel empowered, and ready to face the world once again, I hope this feeling lasts. I have just reread your old posts and yes I have read them before ,they are insitefull and they have helped me find my way were I am right now.....I have been reading everything this board has to offer for the last 6 months.

Thank you again

Imagine

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