Patience is the key but.....can u help?
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| Thu, 04-22-2010 - 1:44pm |
I think Im just having a tough day and Im not sure why. Last weekend I felt like my old pre A self for the 1st time in a looong time. Then the for the last 2 days, Ive just felt really down and wanted to come here where all of you understand the ups and downs that come with the territory.
It seems like I have really dug myself out of this huge hole over the last few weeks and done a great job of letting go of XMM while at the same time, re engaging in my real life. But it just seems like no matter how much I try to let thoughts of XMM go, that somewhere there is a trigger and those stupid thoughts creep in. Almost like I dug myself out of the hole, looked down into it and then jumped back in, just not nearly as deep. I find that I am thinking more about him, his W, their marriage, their spoiled kids and its driving me crazy. Its not like theyre all rosy thoughts either, Im not looking back with fond memories believe me!!!
Why cant I permanetly shake this? Why cant I move on and not look back. I feel like I AM moving forward but I want to not have to look back. I want to feel like my pre A self more and my post A shell LESS. KWIM???? When will that happen? I know time is the key but JEEESH!!!!
Guess Im just the annoying kid standing in the Tweener Wings store whining and wondering when it will be my turn. Got any up lifting thoughts or ideas to hold me over while I wait???
Thanks ladies, without you this would be twice as hard!
GMLB

((GMLB)) I will tell you up until the end of March I had been having up and down days
Hey GMLB,
You’ve made progress but I know how hard it is to see that when you are just wanting it to be over. The truth is it will be totally and completely over when you have gone through all that you need to move on. The time is different for everyone. Go back and read some of your old posts and you will see some changes now compared to a month or so ago.
The A is part of our past and we cannot erase it. I know many of us wish it was as easy as clearing a white board but there is a reason it is not. One main reason is because we need to learn and grow from the experience. Cannot do that if we have an onset of amnesia.
Also other issues slow down the process for some. The most important thing to keep in mind is that you are making progress. It might not be at the pace you want but this is not a race. It is a journey. It’s not about simply getting to the end. It’s about what you gain and learn from it all. I use to be so very impatient when I was young and would cringe when my parents took us on road trips. I just wanted to know, “Are we there yet?” Looking back, we had a lot of fun in the car on those trips and saw many sites that I would not have otherwise seen. Also, my sister and I have a story from one of the trips that mirrors a scene from National Lampoon’s Vacation. We wouldn’t have had that embarrassing but hilarious story to share with other family and friends if my parents were only focused on the destination and not the journey.
As far as Tweener wings, I could understand coveting the symbol of soaring. I came to EAS too far out of my A so I never earned my wings! And look at me, I didn’t turn out so bad! Plus it keeps me grounded and allows me to blow a lot of hot air around to help
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you both so very much. I lurk on here so much and read, read, read. Ill post when I feel like I need a better perspective on something and Im so glad that I did. When you have gone through pain, you just want the day to come where it will be in the past, permanently.
New, you have a great memory! Thank you so much for asking about my son. I do think that is part of my wanting to move on and rush through this healing. XMM continues to live his high and mighty life while H and I are focused on our son. DS needs lots of physical therapy and to see your 9 year old face a disability is so tough. It is made more difficult when I start to think about how XMM just bought his already spoiled daughter a new car while H and I are struggling to pay medical bills. He will continue to go on vacations while I set aside $$ just so we can take the kids away just for a weekend.
Ill soon get tired of the "poor me" and shake it off, suck it up...the same things I tell my kids. Till then, thanks for pushing me in the right direction. And E1, you are right, I have made progress and its easy to forget about that. Instead of looking back in the direction of XMM, I need to look back and realize how far I have come.
Thanks ladies!!
GMLB
E1 is so right, we don't give ourselves enough credit for