Patience, please give me patience

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Patience, please give me patience
8
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:31pm
I spend months agonizing over the decision to end my A. I told myself I didn't need all the drama in my life. I said, that I would rather be alone than put up with all the lies. Basically I spent months convincing myself to make myself miserable. I've told myself a thousand times maybe even more, that all the stress and drama that this A was bring into my life was making me age fast. I convinced myself that if I ever wanted to be truly happy again without looking over my shoulder, without having x-MM's W call and ruin our plans, without lies, WITH unconditional love, that I had to get OUT ouf this A as soon as possible.

OK.....I'm out. If I just had something to fill my time. You guys just don't know, what a horrible shape my life is in right now. I HAVE NO CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. My job SUCKS. I spend 9 hours a day doing NOTHING. I'm so BORED with my job. I get no type of mental stimulation, I'm brain dead. I've been at my place of employment for 22 years. I don't have any type of social stimulation. I'm like a freak'n robot. To work, home, back to work, and back home. I have got to break out of this cycle......it is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm about to crack up......literally. I feel like I want to just bury my head in the sand, or just curl up and die. NOTHING is satisfying any more. I know time is what is going to ease the pain. I want it to be over like now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:10pm
It sounds to me like you have a void you need to fill. Most people approach this kind of emptiness from "outside" of themselves - looking for material things, other people, etc. to fill the void. They find that it doesn't work. The void can only be filled from within. One thing I know from personal experience, the void hurts like heck and we want to fill it as soon as possible.

I know from your past posts that you're feeling pretty down about yourself. Why not try to fill the void by doing good things for yourself? I am a huge proponent of Yoga. It not only transforms your body, it transforms your mind. It can help you develop a spiritual view of life in which you'll no longer look at lack of friends or poor body image as a reason to be sad. I can't explain Yoga's incredible healing power, but I urge you to give it a try. You don't even need to go to a studio - you can buy a tape or DVD and do it in the privacy of your own home.

There are so many things you can do to take care of "you." Having this time alone is a gift - its a great to get to know who you really are and what you really want from your life!

I'm sure this sounds so cliche - you're probably waiting for me to suggest taking a class at the local community college or learning how to knit, right? LOL. All joking aside, you need to take active steps to energize yourself. The cycle you seem to be in right now isn't good. Its painful and may lead you to feel worse and worse about yourself and your life. Take a positive step NOW! to pull yourself up and out of this depression (I dont know whether you suffer from depression but I see red flags in your message). Keep posting here and be introspective. Get to know yourself! This time alone may turn out to be exactly what you needed. Love and hugs, Maureen

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:15pm


secretluver, I'm not completely familiar with your situation, nor do I even have a firm hold on my situation, but I'll just share with you what my thoughts have been lately. Today I've experienced what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity"... I've taken a real look at what the past 14 months of my life has been like. I realized that I have been living a "double life" for half of my own son's life (he is almost 2 years old). When I think of that, it absolutely pains me. Last summer, my mom and husband took him to get his summer portraits done. I don't remember what my lie was to them for being away, but guess where I was? Cooped up in a hotel room with MM. Ouch.

I spent the better part of my morning on amazon.com just browsing through all kinds of books that I'd like to read someday. And some of the subjects are things that I may want to get my hands into sooner or later- black & white photography, rock climbing, etc.

I realized that for the past 14 months, I was trying to please MM. It's time to work on myself. I want to go back to school, finish my degree, challenge myself physically, get involved in projects that will give me a sense of accomplishment- something to be proud of. Something that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.

I realize that all this time, I have been mistreating myself. I wouldn't wish this pain on another human being, so why am I doing it to myself??

WE are in control of OUR own lives. We have the power to make ourselves happy or miserable, it's all up to us.

I hope that this somehow helps you get on the path of being truly happy- and able to give yourself credit for being truly happy.

Tomorrow I might be feeling absolutely the opposite, but I'm just thankful for the good days like today.


Hugs,

Comp

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:11pm
secret~

I'm so sorry that your life seems so bleak right now...but I believe that we all go through these trials before something wonderful happens. Read, and re-read, what maureen (momesq1991) and itscomplicated wrote....they were RIGHT ON! Yoga is indeed very, very healing (I, for one, can't believe some of the stuff that I have pent up until I get myself into a pose then all these emotions unleash...its a trip). Like complicated said, read something that you always wanted to do and maybe take a class. I also recommend meditation....either or class or an audiotape.....there is much healing in that as well.

Also, I want to relate a Buddhist parable to you...and I might not get it exactly right, but close enough.

A woman tragically lost her young son to a horrible accident. The woman was distraught with loss and grief over her only son. She had heard that the Buddha could possibly help her and she sought him out. When she found the Buddha, she laid herself done prostrate on the ground before him and said "Master, I have lost my son and cannot bear to go on...please, bring him back to me". The Buddha, filled with the utmost sympathy and compassion for the woman said in return "Woman, I will return your son to you on one condition" and the woman agreed to do whatever it took. The Buddha said "Take this bowl. In this bowl I want placed a mustard seed from a family that has not be touched by grief or tragedy due to death. When you return the bowl to me, I will give you back your son". The woman happily agreed and went on her way.

The woman went to every home and every village she could find. What she found was that every home had been touched by death and by grief. As she talked to mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers, she realized that she was not alone in her pain nor her journey. She returned to the Buddha and told the Buddha what she had found...at that moment she was enlightened and realized that none of us is exempted from pain and suffering.

I don't know if this helps at all...it sort of helps me during very difficult times. I hope the Buddhist reference doesn't offend...I think the story could be changed to Jesus, Allah, Tara, or whatever it is you believe.

We all have these experiences for a reason...it is not the teaching that is painful, but rather the resistance to the lesson.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:24pm
Maureen, you are so right on target. I acknowledge there is a VOID a huge one in my life. It's goes back as far as I can remember. Growing up, I thought "it" would be filled when I became a wife and mother. Well, I've had 2 failed marriage. Basically, because I wanted the VOID to be filled so badly, that I choose someone that didn't love me or respect me. Then I thought, having a child, someone that would love me unconditionally......I have a beautiful 10 year old daughter, the VOID is still there. For a while the VOID was filled........yes, ex-MM did "it" for me.

I remember like it was yesterday. It was February 1999, I got the idea that ex-MM and I would travel to New Orleans to spend our first weekend together. We did in June of 1999. From February to August of 1999, I was the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life. On that trip ex-MM told me.....he was leaving his W, he wanted to marry me, and would live a life that was so happy every couple in the world would envy us. I was so happy that I glowed. I lost sooo much weight. I exercised twice a day. My skin was beautiful, my hair looked great. I wanted my days and nights to last forever, I never got tired. I had the confidence of a lion. I could do anything, and I did. I was a new person......words could never explain how happy I was.

Then, it happened. Ex-MM started lying like crazy. It was plain as the nose on my face, he didn't, he couldn't bring himself to leave his W and daughter. I asked if this is what he wanted he said yes. He left the first time, stayed gone 2 days then went back. His reason was his daughter has an asthma attack due to stress, which was a lie told by his W. Six months go by and he moves out again. This time involving my mother. He moved into one of her rental properties. He never paid rent on time, and was out and back home in 2 months. Next time 3 months go by, he moves into an apartment of his own, stays gone 6 months and was back home with his W and daughter. That's the short version.

Back to the VOID in my life. I know it's there. I know it needs to be filled from within. My question is "how". I'm 40 years old. I don't want to look up 40 years from now and realize I still have this VOID in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:27pm


wow, dharma! the Buddha analogy was awesome... I myself find comfort and encouragement in the Tao Te Ching.

I've also been thinking about going back to yoga- I remember the feeling I used to have after a session... the feeling of walking on clouds. (smile)


Comp

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:38pm
dharma, the story was wonderful. Thanks for such positive and encouraging vibes.

I need to not be afraid to try new things. I must make time for myself. It's very hard. I'm a member of the "sandwich generation". Meaning I'm raising my daughter, and taking care of my mother. Between the both my time is never my own. My daughter has been wanting a puppy, well last Monday the day I ended my A, we found a puppy. So, I have even less time. BUT!!! I do need to take care of self.

Yoga.....do you have a suggestion on what tape or DVD I should start with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:39pm
Dharma,

That was a WONDERFUL post. It really helped me a lot. I won't go into my story but I did have the strength to let go at the climax of my EMA (no pun intended). But I've been out the EMA long enough to where I SHOULD not be dwelling on the relationship, and XMM, the way I still do. I told him my "conditions" on further association with him, he has told me I'm asking for too much, I have acted on my ultimatum--so what's left to dwell on? The last phrase of your post clicked with me, it's the lesson that I am having a hard time digesting. I'm not even sure the lesson is because I have moved on in a lot of ways, and done different things with my life. I have very strong spiritual beliefs, so maybe that's what I should change. Start thinking and being more practical and ritualistic and conformist. I don't know, but today was very bad. I was almost on the verge of tears over the pain (maybe it's emptiness?) I feel. But it does pass, and I'm not as bad as I was earlier today. You're message was really cool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:39pm
Dharma,

That was beautiful. I mean, seriously, my religous leader told me that if we are to be used by who we believe to be GOD, he will take us through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for us, but rather meant to teach us so that when others go through similar things, we may be more understanding and compassionate. We all suffer. In one way or another. Those of us who are wise, share what we learn with others, as well as take advice from those who have been there before. Thank you so much.

JLT