People do change.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
People do change.
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:22am
You know I just had some thoughts this morning which I wanted to share.

Probably the BEST FORM OF REALITY for me personally going through my A as an OW was coming to the understanding that my presence in the MM's life was in fact making it easier for him to stay in his marriage. I knew that there had been years of sadness and indecision for the MM until I entered back into his life. For the first time in years, he felt he did have a way out. He did have someone else in his life who he knew beyond a shadow of doubt truly loved him. There was additional security for him over and above the security he had inside his marriage. So by taking that away from him, he was forced to do one of two things; either face his marriage or go back out and attempt to find another woman to soothe the ails of his marriage. I do believe he has changed over the course of our time in the A. I believe our love made him take a good look at what he does/doesn't have at home. It made him see what he is choosing to sacrifice by staying in the marriage and it made him see the sacrifices if he had left. I am not certain to this day what the outcome will be for him. But as I move on with my life, it is easier knowing that by being in his life again, he was forced to look realistically at issues he was most likely avoiding for a very long time. I see this very thing happen with many of the MP who post here on a regular basis.

So the point of my post is to let everyone know that we all have choices as we move on with our lives as to how we are going to look at what just happened to us. We can stay in what I call a "victim mentality" or we can look to what good came from our association with our affair partner. I posted this because I know from reading so many posts here how terribly an A can have an effect on a person's self esteem. In no way do I want to glorify anyone having an A, but to truly think about what is best for us as we go on with our lives. We have a choice there too. We can choose to let ourselves rely on the anger and hatred that the pain has caused or we can look at a wrong situation being made right and two people coming away from it being changed and in many cases, for the better. I am a firm believer that with every bad thing that happens in our lives, something good follows or comes to us as a result. We learn. We grow. And our lives are better for the experience, even though it was a hurtful one.

My wish for everyone who posts here is that you will take just a minute and think about what it is you have learned by being in the A and what your A partner may have also been given the opportunity to learn, whether they actually did or not. I try to focus on these things because I do believe it is a healthier approach to the A ending and it also allows us to keep the self esteem we all know we do have inside us. Also for myself, I refuse to believe that someone who has been so significant in my life would purposely hurt me just because he is a selfish man and doesn't really care for me. I know better than that. Hopefully most of you do as well. So to me, a big part of accepting reality is also accepting that none of us are infallible. Once we do, we CAN AND WILL find a place of forgiveness, both for ourselves and the one we allowed ourselves to love.

Hugs to all and hope you have a great day.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 6:04pm
Good post GT. I just believe however that some of these men hurt the OW because they are selfish and they really only care about themselves. I think a handful of them do care and maybe do want to be with the OW but won't do what it takes to get there for their own various reasons and all in all do feel sad that they hurt the OW. Every case is different. Some men are so damn confused they end up hurting everyone, including themselves and then continue in their misery and never "find" themselves or happiness in their indecision. But in all hopes everyone should learn a bit, grow a bit and take something positive from it, even though it can hurt so much.

People can act funny in certain situations even if they thought they knew what they wanted. Some people just aren't as strong as others. This is how I see my xmm. He is not a very strong person and not a very happy one. But he enables his W's behavior towards him by allowing it and staying there. His choice, not my problem. I think the man feels sad for hurting me and misses me but truly can not leave his situation because of his own shortcomings as a person. I feel sad but can not let it hold me back from moving forward and continuing to make my life happy. I am sorry his life is worse now then it was before the A but it truly is still his choice. I am glad I did not decide to help him out of his marriage months ago when he was saying he did not know how to do it, I told him it was something he had to do himself. I do not want a man that can not stand up for himself or his own feelings or be there for me. I do not need his problems.

Thanks for listening anyway - got a lot out today.