Perfect group for me right now

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Perfect group for me right now
4
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:33pm
I can't believe I found this site. This is gonna be my support I desperatly need.
I was in affair with MM for six months. Ended last Nov. We have had to have some minimal contact in seeing each other due to some (long story) court dates, when it ended I got "no contact orders" on him.
I see/think of him, and still long for him. It was an unusual getting together. I was divorcing, and got into a 'no strings attached' group, (another long story), and it was just mutual great sex till emotions did come into both of us. He was seperated, but still living with W, till the house sold, and she was aware of the affair. The book titled "Is he really into you", was great, as it showed each other that YES, we were in love seriously. We had plans on even getting married this summer. It ended terribly, and I so regret and miss him that I know if it wasn't court ordered, I would see him probably and be back into all the mess, as I loved him so much.
Ok, now to this group here, I read what others are feeling, and can be right in their emotions also, and then I read about what if's, or think outside the box, the pain that he did cause me, and then I get strong and glad its over. (needing to remind myself that very often). I started to date a single divorced for many years male, this winter, and I really do love this new man in my life, yet, I really am still stuck on the affair. This new man in my life, really wants to move in together, and start a new life with each other. I am not letting that happen yet, as I really need the space to be alone. I was married for 26 yrs. when I divorced last year, leaving me at age 45 wanting lots of love, and got it from the MM. or who ever would give it to me, thru lust. ( I know thats bad)
I thank all of you, who are or have been where I am right now. I remind myself to take care of me, and get on with my life, take the time to morn over the affair. I am glad the new man does know what happened, and I do believe the affair is forever over, and want to go on again and love. ( I will now, with support, and counseling). But want to continue my new relationship, as I do love him, and know that it is for the best to move on. But gee, I know if the MM was to contact me, would I have the strength to stay away, and tell him so. Here I start again thinking "what if MM wanted me again???" but I am being realistic after reading about all of you here, and do plan to keep my support line (YOU). Of course we all have long stories, but we do have to start to think about ourselves once again, as life does go on! Thanks for reading. I feel like I can actually talk to someone, that has been in same shoes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 7:03pm

Sun

Welcome to the board.

Dumb question for you but are you ans XMM bith single at this point in time ?

Way did you get a court order preventing him from contacting you, there must have be a pretty serious reason for this ?

You ended this for a good reason what was that reason ?

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 6:59pm
No the XMM is still only seperated, and living in the same home w wife. Seperate rooms for the past three yrs.
The reason for the court order was the last day he was at my home, living with me for about 5 weeks at that time, He had been heavily drinking, (he is an alcoholic), and had 15 beers, while at my home. We started to argue about his drinking, and that I didn't want to be with someone that can drink that much, and seems perfectly sober. He did all his drinking out of my home, (while driving, or other places. DUMB!), so I never would see all that he would drink. I did talk to his actual wife about his drinking,before as she was concerned about being with his son, while drinking.
There was an abusive situation, fighting, physically, and also during that time, there was alot of hugging, and holding, while both of us were crying. Long story short, I saw my neighbor come home, and asked him to call 911 as he insisted to drive away. He got arrested as he got tempered with the officer, and the police saw alot of commotion in my home. Chairs overturned, glass broken. Charges were filed by the city, not me. I immediately felt bad afterwards, was so dumb and confused, I felt sorry for all that happened. (Dumb Again!)
There is no reason that I should want to get back with him, except we truly were in love, and he also wanted to reconcile. In court he has even said he wanted to see me again. My family talked me into the no contact order, and at the time, with all my bruises, injuries, I agreed. So you hear of females that get abused, and still let their male partner back into their lives, well I was one of those, low self esteem and felt bad.
So I know that I need to get some confidence, to know I can be happy not being in a relationship, which I have never been alone ever, Got married at 18.
So that sort of gives you more info. But you know, I still love that man and it hurts. It was a bad ending, and I do think about why did I do this/that, instead of thinking of all he did to me that day. He still being taken away, was saying he loved me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 8:35pm

Sun

Is it love or co-dependence, sorry but this whole relationship sounds dysfunctional.

Do you feel a need to rescue him from himself ?

Have your read the artical linked below

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14258.1

Seperated for three years and living in the same house, something not right there !!!!

The Long and the short of it is that you need to exit stage left and have nothing more to do with this man in time you will meet a nice healthy single man that you can have a real chance of making a life with if that is what you want but this guy ain't it.

Don't let a fear of being alone cause you to get involved with the wrong type of person.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:44pm
Been gone for awhile, computer problems. Well, I did the stupid thing, and meant to run iinto him in his work area, parking lot. We talked for a long time, he broke down, started to cry, how so sorry he was, and that I am the love of his life. I fell right for it, and we have meet just for lunch in a public place once. I being the honest person I am, even told the man I am dating about it, and for good reason, he felt hurt and betrayed. I almost lost this new man in my life for seeing my exmm, who like I said is still with W, and I told him if he ever gets divorced to let me know. (he won't get divorced, i feel). With telling about seeing him again, I came to realize just how manipulative he is, and that it is time for me to move on. I wont have another broken heart by this man anymore. He did alot of sorrys, and I love yous, but it felt good to hear all this, I think I am able to put a more closure to this affair now.
I haven't had time to read the article you suggested, but will. Do I feel like I have to be with a man to be happy? Yes, I do, I am very weak when it comes to my own self esteem, in counseling, and I will overcome this. You know it feels sort of good to say NO to him this time, and letting him feel some hurt and disbelief, that I didn't just jump back into the relationship again. I am so happy to be with the man I love right now, he has shown alot of trust, and talked alot of sense into me, about what this previous affair I had, done to my life, and others.
You know, I feel free now, (at least today) LOL!