A perfect year?
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|Mon, 01-14-2013 - 1:15pm|
Okay so things haven't gone as smoothly as I'd like, and I've caved (because I've been afraid) and I've talked to him. Friday there was a very "crumb-y" moment where we'd been talking and he made a comment along the lines of "its too bad you have your morals all tied up - we've always had great chemistry" and it was like lightning hit my brain. In that moment I realized that by trying to have some kind of low-key friendship (even tho I didn't initiate), I was allowing the road to be paved....to fall right back into the infamous hole. I realized the truth in someones words about realizing that I was being offered crumbs....not the full course meal. Something snapped in me then. I've not responded since then. And I've put filters back in place to help me ignore his constant pleas. Even tho I can block him from texting me, and filter his emails, I can't block him entirely from my phone (which sucks) so I've renamed him in my phone so I know not to answer and delete his voicemails without listening.
I'm feeling better and different today - I'm sad, don't get me wrong - and I've been mulling things over all weekend. I guess there is a part of me that realizes that the timing of things is perfect for me to commit strongly to really holding myself more accountable to get things in order with myself this year - a whole year. I did look into some IC, and my work may be able to help me with goign to a few sessions. I went to a consultation with one therapist that I really like and she mentioned that maybe I should consider taking a year off from dating in order to get my brain (and heart) to a honest, happy place. I like the idea of working on me - so I'm going forward with that throught process. I realized today that I could be perfect in this, this year. So I've restarted my NC clock (to this past Friday 1-11-13).