A perfect year?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2012
A perfect year?
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 1:15pm

Okay so things haven't gone as smoothly as I'd like, and I've caved (because I've been afraid) and I've talked to him.  Friday there was a very "crumb-y" moment where we'd been talking and he made a comment along the lines of "its too bad you have your morals all tied up - we've always had great chemistry" and it was like lightning hit my brain.  In that moment I realized that by trying to have some kind of low-key friendship (even tho I didn't initiate), I was allowing the road to be paved....to fall right back into the infamous hole.  I realized the truth in someones words about realizing that I was being offered crumbs....not the full course meal.  Something snapped in me then.  I've not responded since then.  And I've put filters back in place to help me ignore his constant pleas.  Even tho I can block him from texting me, and filter his emails, I can't block him entirely from my phone (which sucks) so I've renamed him in my phone so I know not to answer and delete his voicemails without listening. 

I'm feeling better and different today - I'm sad, don't get me wrong - and I've been mulling things over all weekend.  I guess there is a part of me that realizes that the timing of things is perfect for me to commit strongly to really holding myself more accountable to get things in order with myself this year - a whole year.  I did look into some IC, and my work may be able to help me with goign to a few sessions.  I went to a consultation with one therapist that I really like and she mentioned that maybe I should consider taking a year off from dating in order to get my brain (and heart) to a honest, happy place.  I like the idea of working on me - so I'm going forward with that throught process.  I realized today that I could be perfect in this, this year.  So I've restarted my NC clock (to this past Friday 1-11-13). 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 8:10pm


Yes, offered crumbs....not the full course meal.  With very few exceptions, this is the sad, disturbing course that most A's follow. It's like the siren's song, calling us, sucking us in... and it's good in the moment, but those moments are fleeting and are outweighed by the sad, depressing feelings that follow.  It is no way to live.

I think you'll find that I am a big advocate of extreme self-care; that we need to channel our energy away from crying our eyes out at home and toward positive activities that will help us heal, such as:

Going to the gym early in the day and working out - great way to set the tone for the day

Spending more time with friends & family; scheduling coffee breaks and meals with them

Taking a course at a local school or college on a topic of interest (and studying later to get our mind off the A)

Going out to listen to a band at a local venue

Cooking meals for the week while listening to your favorite music

...just a few things we can all be doing, no matter where we may be in life.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Tue, 01-15-2013 - 9:16am
Crumbs are always attractive offerings by rodents, and really they think they are giving you a gift because they have not learned any better. And for a teensy second you might be convinced it is enough but it isn't. You cannot support a healthy ego/emo tank on dollops of lust. I'm glad to hear you are moving to a better mindset and committing to be more vigilant of your self. You have to know that even tho you didn't initiate you have been going along still in contact. Some time back I wrote about about trying to get back to vanilla and compared the process of revertng to "friendship" kind of like making a chocolate brownie milkshake - you start with vanilla and add in the chocolate sauce, brownie bits and mix it up really well. You can strain the brownie bits back out of the shake, but there will always be residual parts left that you absolutely cannot get rid of. It is the most unsettling part of ending things - that realization that the only real fix is throwing the whole mess away and beginning again in your life. I wish you all the best!