The Perils of Breaking NC

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
The Perils of Breaking NC
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 12:57pm
It was only five days of contact, five days of e-mail contact and I told him I wasn't going to do it anymore, but what a loss I feel! This morning I have been checking e-mail every minute. I can't stay away. I am craving his words. I don't feel the same pain I did when it first ended, but I feel like I'm starting from the beginning all over again.

When I initiated NC, back in February, I used to count the days. After 30 days I counted the weeks. I would have been at 12 weeks on Tuesday, but now I have to start all over again. And the fact that it didn't get any further than e-mail is a small consolation.

I understand exactly what Crystal and Blue are going through because I'm going through the same thing. I just don't understand the man can be as crazy in love with me as he claims to be and still be unable to leave his wife. (He did say several times he is going to leave; he's looking for an apartment; he's saving up for a divorce; we will be together; but I've heard this all before. At the end of the day he still goes home to her.) I just don't get it. I guess I just have to accept that somethings we will never understand.

So let me just say to all of you who are contemplating breaking NC, don't do it. It's not worth it. You may have the enjoyment of talking to the person for a few days but after that's over, you'll feel worse. Ugh. I feel totally awful. All my progress shot in five days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:05pm
IAD-NOT all of your progress shot..............

Look at how you are responding now versus the first time you started NC. BIG BIG Difference.

We all see it.

So, Dear, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and

Get Back on the Horse of NC


Keep riding FORWARD.

You're doing great!!!!!


Edited 5/2/2003 1:06:20 PM ET by cl-noregretsever

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:28pm
IAD ~ you know we know how hard it is. And I have some good news for you. In my opinion, you are really only one step away from getting there. You made a decision, it lasted for a good period of time and you took a baby step back. Okay, let that be it. Now, here's what you need to do. I am only suggesting this based on what I read in your post as to what the MM shared with you. It is time to have some faith. Faith in the fact that you know your life is going to go on and new doors will open when it is the right time for that to happen. The problem is we want to try to force fate to happen in our time frame and end up making mistakes...even little ones. So here's the deal. Let's paint a picture.

Let's say you get back on the saddle of no contact with your backbone straight and narrow, knowing exactly what you deserve in a wonderful relationship with a man who deserves all of you and is willing to give you the same (without a wife!!)....and he comes along. Think about the butterflies of someone new. Think about the fact that you won't have to hide a thing! Think about the fact that you will finally be free and not alone anymore.

Now - think about this too. What happens if no new doors open and one day as you are going about your life and loving it because you have truly accepted being on your own and really enjoying it, getting to know yourself and love yourself completely just the way you are and all of a sudden you get an email or the phone rings and the MM is an XMM and has gotten his life together...a dream? maybe. But none of us knows what the future holds.

So the best thing to do is to have faith that whatever road you find yourself walking in the future, it is going to be with your best interest in mind because you are doing the right thing for you regardless of the sacrifice to get there! Either the MM follows suit or he doesn't. It is really as simple as that and you deserve no less. So the way I see it IAD, you are in a WIN/WIN situation because either way, this pain is going to be history and you will have the life that you not only deserve, but also the one that is best for you. Put it in God's hands. Life is good. Smell the coffee and remember, you are so much further along than you once were.

Hugs to you and keep your head held high. Work through the pain and let it flow. By doing so, you will not want to open that door again ever, until the time is just right.


Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 2:39pm
I can totally relate to what you're saying. It feels pretty aweful when the contact ends - I guess we've got contact hangovers!!

I thought GT wrote you a wonderful post. I read something similar that would apply to your situation. Sometimes you need to think of NC as actually 'working on your relationship'. If you go back toMM now, he'll get comfortable and not do a thing - you've seen that already. If you stay away then the relationship may one day have a chance. He may realize he needs to make the changes necessary to be able to be with you. Not that I'm suggesting waiting around for him, just that your best chance to ever be with him is to walk away.

You've been so strong, its amazing. These feelings will go away in a flash, just give them a few days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:21pm

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now. But I do NOT see this as starting over from scratch. You are already looking at it with a lot more perspective and knowledge and hard-fought strength and determination than you did the first time NC started. You will bounce back MUCH more quickly, and you've learned that even when you feel almost better, a slip can still hurt. So you have LEARNED even more...

Good for you - you are going to be fine. I can "hear" that in your voice, and I know it even when you don't...



Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:38pm
Thanks, Glinda. I hope you're right about it not being as hard this time. After I sent that post I did e-mail him yet again and wound up just having a terrible fit tonight. I called him at work and left him some very angry voice mails and basically said I wouldn't want you if were divorced 20 times. Pretty childish, right? But I think it will get the point across. All this time I have been deceiving myself into thinking that I could wait for him and that if he would just divorce his wife we could be together. But who am I kidding? He left his wife to be with me but couldn't bring himself to divorce her because he cares too much about her. That's my interpretation. I'll never know the truth because I don't think he knows it. He will never divorce her and will probably blame me for it for the rest of his life. He'll think something like, "If only she had waited ... " Because basically the guy can't take responsibility for his life. According to him he went back to his wife because she invited him. HAH! And it would've been impolite to refuse? Oh goodness ...

So thank you again for letting me know that it won't be as hard this time. I hope you are right, Glinda. Because I don't want to live through the pain of the first 8 weeks ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:11pm
I've got a confession, myself. Last night, I broke the NC rule I had, as well. I know exactly what you're feeling right now! I've been doing so well. I even thought about venturing out into the world once again since the bags under my eyes have vanished. I feel like all the progress I made over the last couple of months have all been flushed into the toilet because I couldn't keep my temper in check. He's been trying to get me to talk to him again, leaving messages, sending notes and letters and cards. I keep asking myself the same things: How can someone profess this eternal love to me and keep going home to sleep next to the person he claims to have grown to hate? It's almost a weekly ritual when he tells me how much he's saved up to move out, and how he's saving up just a little bit more for a lawyer. But, like you said, when its all said and done, who does he go home to?

I feel like crap by breaking my own personal goal just so I could text him a message riddled with four letter words and phrases that would have made my mother grab the soap and head for my mouth! Ok, I didn't exactly let myself get swept away with empty promises again, but isn't giving him a reaction exactly what he wanted in the first place? Doesn't it hurt someone more to just ignore them rather than sit there, turning red with rage while profanity is spilling out of the same mouth that used to kiss him?

I'm feeling mighty dissapoited in myself, as well. But, remember, that we're just human. And it feels nice to have back a little bit of happiness that was lost when things ended. I agree with you. If anyone is thinking of breaking NC, even if it is to curse the "heck" out of the miserable bum who probably deserves it, please don't do it. It gives them the satisfaction of hearing you get riled up over them again, and it gives you an empty feeling of dissapointment.

Don't feel so bad. Look at it this way, even people on a diet end up snacking on a candy bar at one point or another. Just run it off. =) Start over again, and when you get to the magic 30 mark once more, you can feel proud of yourself for having done so...again! =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:26pm
Kat and Delight, Delight Sorry to be late with this but, Kat gave you an excellent example here!!! It's like a diet! If you were on one and lost 1000 lbs. of weight and then cheated on your diet for 5 days would you have gained it all back? No! Maybe a couple pounds but, you sure wouldn't be starting all over again! You deserve more credit then you give yourself! Kat, although cussing at someone isn't something I would recommend, I think it can be VERY HEALING! If we're all honest here, there is a huge amount of anger when these affairs end! We're mad at them at ourselves, if we're married we're mad at our spouses and on and on! That anger needs to be dealt with! Appropriately of course! Dealt with though! I personally can have a mouth that needs to be washed out with liquid dish soap on occasion and find the use of certain words very cleansing! Albeit, not too classy! I do know how to behave when needed though!LOL! You will both be fine! I know powerful women when I see them!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 3:41pm
>> Doesn't it hurt someone more to just ignore them rather than sit there, turning red with rage while profanity is spilling out of the same mouth that used to kiss him? <<

YES it hurts them much more to be ignored, and more importantly, it hurt you to let yourself respond to him... I'm so sorry you slipped. But it was a SLIP - not a fall, not a complete 100% turnaround relapse.

I wouldn't even really count days... to me having to start over at "1" seems cruel when you have come so far. You are hardly the sad scared person you were at the original day 1 of NC. Maybe you could just redo day 30 again...

And don't kick yourself too much. Forgive yourself... that's even harder than beating yourself up, right? Pick yourself up, dust yourself up, patch up the scraped knee and be glad it wasn't a broken leg, right? You're going to be just fine...